A few updates.

1. I am still the most efficient person at my job ever.

2. I am tired and brain-fried as hell because of this.

3. I am writing a story where someone uses a banana as a bookmark, because I did this the other day and it seemed like a good idea for those books that just won’t stay flat when you open them. It will also be about murder and acrobatic shadows. I hope.

Did I mention I have really great stuff now? Really. I do. Great stuff. I just wish I had time to enjoy it. Luckily, I have scheduled time for this at the end of March, where I will no doubt EXPLODE with creative energy.

Now, for a very important vote. I had a beard once. In high school. It was a shitty beard. A very shitty beard, and it made me look like a discontent Russian poet who hated society. Should I regrow this beard over my break? Vote yes or no.

Remember: my beard is in your hands.

Here are some photographs to help you decide what you could be gaining/losing in a blogger/emotional cripple.

Comrade BC Woods, Age 19

Serial Killery Pedophiley Looking BC Woods, Age 24

I will photograph my beard should you choose to vote it into existence. I’m hoping this time around it will make me look like a hale sea captain full of vim and vigor.

BC Woods

As an atheist, a nihilist, and the world’s greatest practitioner of the masturbatory arts… I wanted to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day! While it may be cool to shit all over everything simply because a great number of people* enjoy it, I can’t afford not to have my little self-delusions even if they’re self-aware self-delusions. After all, if you were REALLY that convinced life had no meaning, how could you afford NOT to lie to yourself?

And before we get lost trying to track our reflection in the opposing mirrors of the meta, let us move on….

While I, as everyone seems so keen on reminding me lately, am unattached I
whole-four-chambered-muscle-pumply congratulate all the rest of you who have someone in your lives. Sure, it may not be as good as my masturbating, but I bet when you’re with that special someone, looking deeply into their eyes it’s almost as good as when I crank one out at 2am to try and put myself to sleep. And to those of you who have no one… well… have you considered reading science-fiction or fantasy novels?

Just kidding. You see, people, there is a reason to hope. There is a reason to get up every morning. And what, may you ask, is that reason? If you wanted to be wrong, you could say it’s the love of an infinite god, a partner who understands you, the laughter of children, or kinky animal sex. If you wanted to be correct, however, you would have to admit that it’s a garbage can that looks like R2D2.

That’s right folks. While I may not be rich, I am no longer broke. About a month and a half ago someone at my job made the mistake of showing me the equation that is used to calculate our incentive pay. And using a bit of the ol’ creative spirit, I have managed to become in essence, the most productive person at my job, ever.****

I now make, more or less, about as much as my manager. This is no doubt bound to piss someone off very soon so we’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

I also bought a whole lot of discounted meat today at the grocery store and filled the freezer with it… which is still nowhere near as satisfying as the R2D2 garbage can I ordered. In fact, I don’t know why, but it seems kind of gross to share that information. Oh discounted BBQ Pork Ribs, maybe one day when I’m hungry I will take you out of the freezer and share you with the world… but today is not that day.

Let’s see, other announcements… I scheduled some time off work at the end of March specifically to write. My brains been kind of fried lately with the effort I’m putting in. But it will all be worth it when my “nerd habitat” looks exactly the way I want. As for what I’m going to write, I don’t know. But it will be fine to finally let the pressure off that part of my brain.

Other stuff I should let you know: 1. I got a high backed black leather chair that makes me feel very evil 2. I have a mic stand coming on its way 3. I have a pocket microscope coming on its way 3. I have a flint and steel coming on its way in case I ever accidentally get transported back in time and need to make a fire 4. I have an LED flashlight coming on its way in case I ever need to make light without a lot of heat output 5. I’m using a Wii Fit pretty religiously to lose weight 6. I’m getting a nice printer to do all sorts of printery stuff.

Also, if any of you lovely ladies out there would like your change with yours truly, I will of course refer you to my Girlfriend Application. *****

*A great number of people often referred to as “them.” i.e. You don’t want to be like all of THEM do you?!?**

**It is also desirable that “THEM” should be fools who only behave the way they do because they have been tricked by a malicious entity which you oppose. This allows you to set yourself up as a meta-being while simultaneously degrading all other humans to the station of animals.***

***When one thinks on this too long however, one realizes that the world is very complex, the motives that move us are by no means fixed or in isolation, and that even the “meta-beings” are in service to the evil-entities. This leads one inevitably to feeling like a hypocrite and trying to convince girls to have sex with you based upon your feelings of despair. Because really, at the end of the day, tits are awesome.

****Until they change the equation around, in which case it will take me a while to figure out how to become the most awesomely productive person again.

*****Actually filling this out for any other reason than as a joke will probably disturb me.

BC Woods

This is an idea for a prank show where you make people think they’ve seen something paranormal/supernatural/that could only happen in a movie. Did you notice that this isn’t a story? So did I, and I am sorry.

Scientist Saves the Alien Girl

A man in a white lab coat is holding a pretty girl in a blanket as they wait for their train. Underneath the blanket the girl is wearing a hospital gown and the man in the white lab coat keeps looking around suspiciously.

Suddenly, a van pulls up and a bunch of people in SWAT gear jump out and surround the scientist and the girl, ordering everyone else at the train station to the ground.

HEAD SOLDIER

Give us the girl, doc! Hand her over and we can forget all about this!

SCIENTIST

You don’t understand! They could teach us so much! They sent her here to help us! She could save the world!

HEAD SOLDIER

She’s just inside your head, doc! You’ve got to push her out!

The scientist then places his body in front of the girl as the soldiers open fire. He falls to the ground, dead. The girl then, huddled up against a corner, begins to speak in a strange tongue. She turns her fierce gaze toward the soldiers who all start to bleed from the nose while babbling the same nonsense. Eventually, they fall to the ground.

The girl then holds her hand over the scientist, and there is a great blinding white light from just down an alley somewhere close by. The scientist coughs and wakes up. He looks at the girl confused, and now she helps him up and the two run away toward the source of the blinding light. The two get to the light and some weird sounds follow from the alley.

One of the soldiers rises on shaky legs and follows them to the alley.

SOLDIER

They’ve disappeared! They’ve goddamn disappeared!

The Super Spy is Outed

In a crowded mall plaza a man is walking with is family. He has a cute daughter who is eating an ice cream cone and a super nice looking wife, who you can tell loves him completely. The two are in line somewhere for something when suddenly a very tough, very big who is walking by stops abruptly.

TOUGH DUDE

Diego Descolgado?

The man with the family pretends he doesn’t hear. The very huge man puts his hand on the nice man’s shoulder and turns him around. The nice man’s glasses tumble to the ground.

TOUGH DUDE

“Diego Descolgado? It IS you!”

The wife and small child look very confused. The wife, who you can tell is scared, tries to interject.

WIFE

My husbands name is John Leydecker…. he sells copy machines…. get your hands off him! Security! Security!

The daughter is crying. Meanwhile the nice man with the family just stops and all emotion drains from his face as he stares up at the tough guy.

TOUGH GUY

I heard you died in Afghanistan.

The tough guy crunches his knuckles while the wife refutes that her husband has ever been to Afghanistan.

TOUGH GUY

After today, you’ll wish you had.

Just in time security pulls up. The tough guy has an awesome, choreographed fight with them and just as he pulls out a gun to kill one of them the nice man suddenly whirls into Kung Fu action, and in a fast-paced battle knocks the tough guy cold with such brutal efficiency you know he was in control of the situation the whole time. He turns around to grab his family, his eyes scannig for security cameras.

WIFE

Oh my God! Who are you? Who are you!?!

DAUGHTER

Daddy! Why did you hurt that man daddy!

DIEGO DESCOLGADO

It’s not safe to be here anymore… I… I love you Eleanore. I’ll see you soon. Go… go the place we first met. I’ll meet you there. I’m sorry for what I was… and… I love you!

Diego Descolgado disappears into the crowd like a shadow while his family stands there are cries in confusion.

Evil Twin

This one involves some leg work for a tailored target.

A man in a diner or a restaurant is eating with his friend (who set him up) when suddenly the regular programming is interrupted by a news report (actually just a cut to a pre-taped report) where they put up the face of the mark on screen and say that this man is a suspected terrorist. He is wanted for stealing government secrets and the murder of ten people at some local military base.

The mark sees this and is confused. Suddenly, the doors to the diner are kicked in and a squad of people rush in, put a black bag over the mark’s head and drag him out into a van. He is then taken to an interrogation room nearby where handcuffed to a chair he is shown a bunch of photo-shopped pictures of himself perpetrating crimes.

The INTERROGATOR will then tell him that he knows the mark is a Russian sleeper spy, and that he’s been so brainwashed he won’t remember it without being debugged. A relative of the mark is brought in, and the Mark asks the relative for help when the relative says that the gig is up and when elbowed in the stomach starts to curse in Russian.

The prank ends when the Mark becomes so confused he admits to the possibility his entire life is a lie.

BC Woods