Another BSG Live-Blog? WTF?

A month ago an evil man swiveled around in a high back leather chair, staring down a long metal table in a dimly lit room. He laughed in triumph, striking a gauntleted fist on his arm rest, startling a cat. “What’s the one thing I could write which no one would ever choose to read?” he asked the room. His demonic laughter was the only response.

That man was me. And my evil idea was to live-blog the Battlestar Galactica premiere. My reasons were so evil and pernicious I knew nothing could thwart my dark plan.

1. Live-Blogging combines the story-ruining spoilers that make reviews worth reading, while simultaneously requiring that you have actually watched the program in order to understand the jokes. What could possibly be more pointless?

2. Almost no one who reads my other stories is a fan of science fiction.

3. It gave me very creepy opportunities to make repeated references to John Hodgman, apropos of nothing.

4. It allowed me to reference many of the very odd things I do, as if they were jokes and not very disturbing thoughts I actually have (i.e. every time I eat a granola bar I pretend I’m in a post-apocalyptic world and it is the last food ration left in my supply. I eat it grimly, knowing that I will soon have to face the elements in search of other food stores. A wild world full of men turned savage, fighting over scarce resources. Then I reflect on how lucky I was that Johnson killed himself or the food would have given out sooner -in my mind, Johnson couldn’t take the pressure anymore because he missed his family.)

As you can see, these were all very good reasons. Sometimes I like to make jokes only I will get that are just for me, and sometimes I like to ramble on like a crazy person at a bus station. There’s only one problem with all of this.

You assholes keep fucking reading them. I hope you all get fucking Force Choked by Sith Lords.

Ugh… prepare to be blasted full on with the world of Battlestar Galactica like a Klingon Cruiser begin vaporized by photon torpedoes. If you must. Jesus H. Christ.

PRE-SHOW DEEP THOUGHT:

FACT: Rob Riggle is the only person in the known Universe strong enough to break a light-saber over his knee. This is possibly the reason no Jedi populate our current Universe, instead choosing to be separated from Rob Riggle by both large units of space and time.

Time 8:00PM~

It’s on again. Going through the previews, all the promises that everything will make sense and that the final Cylon will be revealed. What is this program and what has it done with my precious Battlestar Galactica? A little half-cylon kid that has psychic mind powers? Really? That’s supposed to be original? If she grows unnaturally fast within the next few episodes and ends up as a hot adult woman who has sex with someone, I am going to be furious.

Time 8:01PM~

Shot Cylon Six is being taken to sick bay. The Quorum of Twelve is bitching about Roslin disappearing. Tigh and Adama are trying to figure out what to do with the fleet because of some command structure problems.

Time 8:02PM~

Zareck is talking to the Quorum, and they’re all panicking. Have these people ever done anything useful? Ever? Also, the dying model six is having visions of forests.

Time 8:03PM~

Zareck has taken over as president of the colonies and I think people are clapping. The dying model six is having visions and holding Doc Kottel’s hands. She just died so I don’t know what the point of all that was.

Time 8:04PM~

Adama is refusing to recognize the presidency of Tom Zareck. Lee is trying to talk him into recognizing him but Adama will have none of it. Now Adama is yelling at Athena for shooting the model six. She’s revealed that the Six was going to take her child.

Athena is telling Adama about her vision of Six and Baltar taking away her daughter. Now I understand that he’s pissed solely because his poon tang has been taken away as a result, although not really. Now Adama has gone with the whole “you have betrayed my trust” line which really only works if you’re a decent human being who doesn’t really deserve punishment.

Time 8:06PM~

Zareck has confessed that Adama will not give power over to him. More panic on behalf of the Quorum. Also, I predict that before the end of this season, someone will have a vision, grab the hand of someone not having a vision, and share their vision with that person. Normally, I would think BSG is above that but these last few episodes have not been up to spec.

Time 8:08PM~

Commercial.

Did you know I have seen every episode of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report ever made, and am able, without study materials, to cite specific bits and interviews?

It’s strange that I admire such high class, brilliant comedy when I myself am only able to produce sensationalist crap.

Time 8:11PM~

Tigh is doing the whole curmudgeon “this is how fucked we are” spiel about the Base Star jumping away. Kara is now in charge of fleet defense again. I’m not sure how that happened.

Lee is telling Zareck to step aside as president of the Colonies. Lee is laying out the “facts on the ground” that Adama will not acknowledge his presidency. Zareck wants to know who he has in mind. Lee has no one in mind, but I see him (Lee) becoming President by the end of this episode.

Time 8:14PM~

The Lawyer guy who wears a blind person’s glasses yet is not blind is giving Lee the cynical view of “the facts on the ground.” All right, I already see this conversation swinging over to Lee becoming President of the Colonies.

The blind yet not blind lawyer is living in a disgusting room with his cat. Very creepy. Yet mitigated by the fact that he is handsome. If I did that you had better believe there would be some people starting weird rumors about me.

Time 8:16PM~

Blind yet not blind lawyer guy is telling Lee to settle for what he has already got. His cat gave a meaningless expression close up.

Time 8:17PM~

Tigh is interrogating Caprica Six. I have no doubt now that Tigh’s wife was a model six, just aged. Tigh confesses this mission means so much to him because he wants to get the president back for Adama.

Tigh is projecting his wife’s face onto Caprica Six again, so Tigh grabbed her by the neck and threw her across the room. That poor poor woman.

Time 8:18PM~

A Raptor that was on the Base Star jumped back. Someone is going outside to look at the Raptor up close. There is no god damn way you could ever convince me to do that.

Okay, we’re looking inside the Raptor, which appears to be empty on the inside. Holy shit, she’s jumping around space with no tether. How the hell can you do that? The captain of the Raptor was someone named Pike and now he’s dead. If I had any idea who he was, I might feel somewhat bad about this.

Time 8:20PM~

Commercial.

One time I was listening to “The Bugle” which is a podcast produced by John Oliver (of the Daily Show) and his friend Andy Zaltzman. While I was listening to it, I had to tackle our families goat and give her an injection of penicillin so that she would survive her retained fetus.

It was a catastrophic contrast of experiences. A contrastrophe if you will.

Time 8:23PM~

Raptor is in the hanger deck. Adama is looking through it. Tigh has shown up to assist. Adama just found the copy of the book he gave Roslin. Everyone needs to go to sector Delta 9. That’s where the Raptor jumped from.

Blind yet not blind lawyer guy is slowly talking Lee into taking the Presidency. Blind yet not blind lawyer guy just watched the Galactica jump away.

Time 8:25PM~

We’re flying through a field of debris in a Raptor. Race Track has found a viper blasted to hell. It looks like the Hub was destroyed by the Base Star. Adama has promised to search every square inch of the debris field to find Roslin. Ironically, all this has happened before, and all of this will happen again as when Kara crash landed on that planet and had to escape inside a Raptor.

Time 8:27PM~

The Quorum has been bypassed. Most useless deliberative body of all time. Lee kicked an empty cat dish. Blind yet not blind lawyer guy seems to be hallucinating. Please don’t tell me he’s the final Cylon. God help us. The final cylon needs to be someone we’ve never seen before.

Kottel is giving Adama the low down on why Roslin needs to get back to the fleet so she can get some more cancer treatments.

Time 8:29PM~

Tigh is talking to Adama, who is drinking a glass of Ambrosia. Adama is confronting Tigh about his interrogation of Caprica Six. Caprica Six is pregnant.

Tigh is refusing to deny that he has been porking her.

Loyalties are being questioned. Judgment and competence are being called into question.

Lots of fraks and frakkins.

Mother frakker. Tigh and Adama are fighting. Adama was getting punched in the face so he kicked Tigh in the stomach. I hope they bond now.

Yup, they’re bonding. Adama’s little ship that he works on when he’s depressed has been broken. In television, can’t two men who fight each other just walk away hating each other? Now Adama is acknowledging Tigh’s relationship as semi-legitimate.

Time 8:32PM~

Commercial.

Whatever happened to Dan Bakkedahl?

He did a segment where he had a break down in his apartment because he was divorced and had no one in his life. This worries me, although I laughed uproariously at the time.

I miss that guy on The Daily Show. He was hilarious.

Time 8:35PM~

Athena is pacing in her cell, humming. If she goes Gaeta I’m going to be pissed.

Kara is pissed that she has to search for Roslin. Kara is now pointing out how crazy Adama’s plan is? What the fuck? So wait… she was a nut job like an episode ago, took a man’s leg off, and was bumping uglies with a Cylon and now what? She’s in charge and taciturn again?

Frakkin’ Lords of Kobol!

Did the fabric of fucking reality get a flu?

Time 8:37PM~

Lambkin is talking to Adama about giving up hope and holding onto hope. He’s not wearing his blind man glasses anymore. Now he’s laying the shame on like a thick coat of peanut butter on a sandwich.

He’s trying to talk Adama into endorsing Zareck, and Adama totally shut him down.

Time 8:39PM~

Lee is wearing the most guido gay silk red shirt I have ever seen. Adama is relinquishing command now?

The pulse of Battlestar Galactica just flat-lined.

Crazy lawyer guy is talking to his cat, and being an optimist. Ugh… God I loved this show so much. This is almost painful.

Time 8:40PM~

He’s going to write down one name. I bet I know whose it is too. No reveal yet. The cat is smart enough to see that all of this dialogue is bullshit, and feels depressed.

Yup, Lee Adama.

Which writers of BSG were assassinated and replaced with clones?

Time 8:42PM~

Lambkin has now informed Lee that he’s going to be the next President of the Colonies. Lambkin is now telling Lee that he’s (Lee) always wanted to be President. Lambkin just pulled a gun on Lee.

STOP! RUINING! MY! SHOW!

Time 8:43PM~

Commercial.

Remember when the mini-series first aired and we all felt that a sci-fi show had finally been made that we could all love forever? That would adhere to its own rules and not cop out?

That show died the moment Gaius Baltar walked into his sex cult room.

I really hope this season picks up. This isn’t like live-blogging anymore. This is like performing an autopsy and determining pathology.

Time 8:45PM~

Lambkin wants to shoot Lee because Lee represents Hope. Lee wants to know what the hell he’s talking about. I would like to as well.

Lee has just opened up a bag with a dead cat inside of it. What? We’ve been dealing with an imaginary cat all of this time? The cat belonged to Lambkin’s wife.

Okay, apparently Lambkin is crazy because he abandoned his family… but I don’t understand why any of this is being brought up now.

Time 8:48PM~

NONE OF THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT!

STOP! MY SOUL IS BLEEDING!

Ugh… Lee is talking a bunch of philosophical shit about why people have to choose to survive. He just fucking talked Lambkin out of shooting him. How could something so good become this? This show was awesome. Like a documentary in space.

Time 8:49PM~

Great. Lee is being sworn in as President of the Twelve Colonies.

Tigh just said “This is a frakkin’ joke.”

Oh great, it wasn’t an actual joke. Tigh is being left in charge of the Galactica. Have we forgotten what happened last time?

Adama said it isn’t permanent.

Who killed my show? Where is he?

What about all of us needing our family? What?

YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BUILD PHILOSOPHICAL THEMES INTO A SHOW UNTIL YOU’VE MADE A SHOW WITH AN ACTUAL PLOT. DON’T BUILD A FUCKING CASTLE BEFORE YOU’VE LAID DOWN THE FOUNDATION OR YOU JUST END UP WITH A PILE OF FUCKING ROCKS.

Time 8:52PM~

Lee is in office, signing documents. Awesome, imaginary cat man is now in charge of an animal. What happened to the scenes where Lambkin tried to shoot Lee again? Did we just forget those happened?

Adama is getting in a Raptor while the rest of the fleet jumps away.

Adama is talking about his first mission flying solo in a Raptor doing recon in enemy territory.

Time 8:54PM~

Adama cannot live without Roslin. He’s wearing sexy space armor, the crew is saluting him. So is he just not gonna shit for a while? Because Raptor’s don’t have toilets.

How did Starbuck become in charge of vipers again? Can I not get a single transition scene?

Time 8:55PM~

Athena is rocking her baby in her cell, humming a la Gaeta.

You know, Adama really looks like some kind of BDSM guy in his space suit.

Adama is now going to read the end of the book he promised himself he would never finish.

Time 8:56PM~

In short, although a bunch of really significant things happened in this episode, the plot didn’t actually advance. It was all just a magic trick. A pretend show. Next week we can pretend it never happened.

Do you remember when Galactica jumped into Atmo and saved the people on New Caprica? I remember. And I weep for what has been lost.

~Previews for Next Week~

3 is woken up. The Final Person of the Final Five is seemingly revealed, but probably not.