Here you will find a brief description of everything I have ever written on-line. These are mostly stories about my life (with some pretty over the top stuff about sci-fi/fantasy stuff thrown in to keep things spicy) and reflections on childhood. I hope you enjoy these stories, and if anything really resonates you please feel free to leave a comment or send an e-mail.
The Day my Fourth Grade Teacher Dropped Dead… and No One Cared
When my fourth grade teacher drops dead in the middle of class, my parents do the appropriate thing and ask my older sister if she requires therapy to get over the horror of what I have just seen.
A vacation to a water park leads to a permanent hatred of feeling weightless and the rectums of obese women.
My mom marries a deranged karaoke loving islander named Mike from “Ponape” which he recalls as being “The Mos’ Freakin’ primo island ever, dude” due to his inability to pronounce “st” or “ect” sounds. To date we are still unable to convince him to go back there.
My Mother Will Always be a Mother
My mother tells me to go pet a fawn in our front yard. It turns out not all fawns are as nice as Bambi.
I discover that no one in my family knows how to put on a tie, and despite all the people we know… there’s only one person who does.
Seasonal head colds become the perfect defensive weapon for a fat, socially awkward youth.
Kick Your Sister’s Ass and I’ll Make You an Omelet
This is the greatest day of my entire life. Ever. I rank all other days in fractional portions of the sheer majesty of this one shining moment.
Several sadly unsuccessful attempts to kill the most evil person in the history of Earth. No, not Hitler. Worse.
The Most Embarrassing of All Possible Funerals
Never invite my family to a funeral. This speaks for itself.
The Polynesian Sailors and the Great White Dick
I get some cultural diversity on an outing with my step-father to a boat filled with drunk Polynesian sailors.
My friend Warren actually came with us on this outing, although I wrote him out because I found that it just sounded too bizarre with a friend of mine looking onward as a bunch of dirty sailors speculated about the size of my penis. Warren, if you ever read this, I want my buck knife back. I gave it to you to sharpen that night, and I never fucking got it back.
Oh, I know you claim you gave it back to me. You claim it every time we see each other, but you know what Warren? Where is it? Where is this buck knife you returned to me, because I sure as hell don’t have it?
Asshole.
The Dark Stirrings of a Jungle Man’s Soul
My step-father gets drunk on Christmas Eve, bemoans the fates who cursed him with disproportionately short arms and legs, and somehow manages to buy a gun in the middle of the night.
My even more socially awkward brother is offered a tangerine and loses his emotional shit.
The story of my birth, which strangely enough I had a direct first hand experience with as a young adult.
My friend “Dude” and I conspire to hang out at my house when his mom tries to lay down the law.
The Greatest Generation’s Greatest Grandpa
A story about my grandfather setting some kids straight. He was a Master Chief in the Navy, and probably the toughest bastard who ever lived. He was more like a machine that generated fear than a man.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part I
I attempt to take my best friend, who is quadriplegic, to the prom. To do this…I have to compromise my morals and enlist the aid of a dark ally.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part II
Yup, I get screwed over.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part III
God, why haven’t you killed her yet?
The Wheel of Time Turns… and my Parents Still Aren’t Watching Me
The Wheel of Time turns leaving ages that become myth, myth fades to legend, and even legend is long gone when the age that gave it birth comes back again…. Feeling overwhelmingly amazing after reading my favorite series of books, I decide that I am a blademaster.
My most painful experience with a sword to date.
The Squadron Commander vs. The Salmon Women
My even more socially awkward brother outwits my sister and her stupid friends.
My father blames me for everything. This includes but is not limited to: The War in Iraq, Polio, Cancer, and AIDS.
I only wish I was joking.
Tales of Ponape: The Wisdom of Uncle Esa
My step-father attempts to show me the wisdom of his ancestors, but we soon realize that America is the greatest nation on Earth.
This may seem slightly racist, but it’s only because my step-father is such an asshole.
Tales of Ponape: Love, Rheum, and Flatulence
There is no word on Ponape for Love. There are however several words for the varieties of shit you get in your eyes upon first waking. When I attempt to explain to Mike how this makes his culture inferior he farts in my face.
Tales of Ponape: The Most Freaking Primo Thing Ever
Mike’s proudest moment… and the worst day in the lives of approximately thirty hobos.
A touching story about the birth of my younger half-sister.
My younger half-brother asks me about the birds and the bees.
Several occurrences of vomiting, gagging, and two crying children. In short, the events leading up to what was simultaneously my greatest bout of illness and weight loss.
I get the lead in a school play in the second grade.
My aunt is convinced she has magic powers that can heal my dying Grandfather. Reality thinks otherwise.
Dogs that Shit Fast Don’t Shit Long
My dad attempts to use a tarp as a fishing net, and becomes distraught when he, my brother, and myself are unable to pull against several hundred thousand pounds of water. My “defeatist attitude” is then blamed for the immutability of physical law.
My dad blames me for his girlfriend’s car accident because I was driving a different car in another part of town at a different time than her accident. Also, she was drunk. And there was another man in the car who was not me.
I fucked this one up pretty bad obviously.
My mom breaks up with Mike when he tries to kill her, then goes back to him. As they have loud and sloppy sex in the next room for hours, I am left alone with Mike’s schizophrenic room mate who clues me in on a vast conspiracy that will rock you to your core.
The time Mike tried to kill my mom, and the horrible truth I had to face about myself. This is a bummer story.
I win a scholarship named after a Nobel Laureate. When the Noble Laureate in questions attempts to call me and ask me about my life plans guess what evil slut answers the phone and hangs up on him?
You guessed it.
Monkey See, Monkey Do, Monkey Snap
I get tired of the endless cycle of my mother’s relationship with Mike, and proceed to do an angry parody of them both while they’re arguing with each other.
My father causes several hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to the local electrical grid, with one thrust of a shovel.
At the age of 13… I find out my parents have been hiding a secret life from me.
Turns out that the secret life was even more fucked up than I had thought.
I go on patrol with my uncle Doug, and we catch a large troll-like woman who barely fits into the patrol car. You know when you meet a poor person, and you think “Well at least they have class.” Or when you meet a classless rich person and think “Well at least they’re pretty.” Or when you meet a poor ugly person and think “Well at least they have dignity.” Imagine someone with no redeeming features. That’s who we picked up.
My brother graduates from the local alternative high school, and every girl in his class is pregnant.
My father volunteers us to raise money for charity. After we work for several days and put in hundreds of hours, we get paid approximately half the wage of a pre-pubescent migrant field worker.
A distant uncle goes insane after smoking pot four times, and becomes adamantly convinced he’s a sheriff meant to clean the streets of crime.
My filthy, disgusting, horrifying love of older women leads me to embarrass and horribly injure myself on a playground.
Full credit to John Hodgman for the term, and if you haven’t bought his book “The Area of my Expertise” you are really missing out.
Sword-Cursed Part I: The Hidden Treasure of Mr. Zumba
My earliest experiences with swords, and an explanation of their terrible curse upon me.
Sword-Cursed Part II: The Dwarves of Umbleburg
I go to a Renaissance’ish fair, where I end up coming to the defense of a guy who thinks he’s a dwarf and proceed to get my ass kicked by a guy who thinks he’s a seventeenth century French Nobleman.
A live blogging of my older sister’s marriage.
Catastrophuck 2007! A Parable in Pictures
Pictures from the wedding with funny captions over the faces.
One of my favorite authors from childhood passes away. I wrote this tribute within about an hour of finding out. If it seems rushed that’s why.
Listen to my voice, on this podcast. (Update: The podcast is no longer on-line)
My sister buys a child from her husband’s ex and proceeds not to take care of her. This is a bummer story.
Go See Evanescence Live with my Brother!
Probably a little dated, but there are pictures from my childhood on here.
I explain politics to my more socially awkward brother, and explain that whoever wins we lose.
I kick a kid’s ass in the eighth grade, leading me to become 15/32 as happy as I was when I beat the shit out of my older sister.
Two stories for the price of one, because you see: as I was finishing a story about how my hometown is cursed, a storm system kicked up out of nowhere causing five trees to fall on my house and knock out the power-lines. Ironic yes, but as you’ll see my hometown is cursed.
Guess who got pregnant? Guess who is the only person smart enough to be depressed about it?
A speculation about five reasons Brandon Sanderson is uniquely qualified to finish the Wheel of Time series. I have a little bit of fun at his expense, but it’s just a gentle ribbing of someone I respect professionally. I can tell this guy is about as decent and solid as they come. Also, he’s a pretty damn good writer. Check out his books.
Update: I just re-read that. Jesus Christ am I a dick. I ought to take it down, but will leave it up so my shame will burn brightly throughout the ages.
Warm Holiday Wishes from DunceUponATime
This is not worth reading in any way shape or form. It’s just a quick hello, and a reminder that I have myspace blogs people can read if they want to. Again, not worth reading.
Things to chew on for a while…
I BC Woods (and by BC Woods, I mean Andrew Peterson) being of sound mind and body, do hereby whole-heartedly recommend based upon their constitutional excellence and craftsmanship the following comedic products for your consumption:
The Bugle: from comedians Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver this is a podcast freely available to anyone with the proper sense to listen to it.
Answer Me This Podcast: An extremely funny podcast featuring Helen Zaltzman and Olly Mann. I recommend it to anyone who is not a dumbass.
The Area of My Expertise: A book by John Hodgman. Again. I recommend this to everyone. If I knew any people in my personal life who could read, I doubt this book would ever be on my bookshelf.
For the first three days of the first grade I am retarded, and play marbles with the glass eye of another boy.
A Canticle for Carolla: Hawking the Hammer
A number of anecdotes from my life where radio host Adam Carolla has exerted enormous influence.
My habitual liar cousin is disliked by my no-nonsense, world war two winning, Master Chief Grandfather. Why Vince? Why wouldn’t you just play Monopoly?
Live-Blogging of BSG Season 4 Premiere
A geekgasm, just as its title implies.
Oh, It’s On… Again (Live-Blogging BSG)
A live-blogging of an episode of BSG? Could there be a greater cop out in terms of an update? Click to find out!
The Moment I Stopped Understanding Racism
An old man who drops the N bomb several times in my presence decides to lecture me on politics with very surprising results.
Today is International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day
Want to know how I learned to write? It involves several occurrences of mystical nature, a mountain shooting a beam of light, and a lot of paper thrown in garbage cans.
Live-Blogging Sci-Fi Fridays with BC Woods
An utter shit fest. Who the fuck has the patience to sit down and live blog not only BSG… but DOCTOR WHO AS WELL? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, BC! GET OFF YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS AND WRITE A GODDAMN STORY! YOU KNOW? THE THINGS PEOPLE READ!
Okay okay! God! You don’t have to get so pissed off about it. All right, here. A story! Jeez. Maybe if you read it you’ll understand why I don’t like talking about my childhood. No! I don’t want your apologies. Just… just go away (sniffle) I need some alone time.
The Voice of Inexperience: Romance Edition
Some advice on how to make a woman fall desperately, hopelessly in love with you. Which I have (cough) certainly never (cough) ever (cough) done. Now, if only I could like myself enough as a human being to enter into a romantic relationship without feeling horribly out of place.
Don’t worry though folks, I’m sure I’ll be quirky enough to provide entertainment for many years to come. What’s my mental well being compared to writing? On the internet?
I really have no idea why people read these. They stopped being fun to write after the first one. I hate them. Honestly, I do. I write them solely as a form of self-punishment. Maybe that’s why people enjoy them? Anyhow, they’re a comedic exercise, because in real time, I have to think of jokes for something I have never seen before. It is so fucking exhausting. Ugh, Lord.
A story about my best friend growing up. His name was Mr. Gloworm, and he was fantastic. I miss him a little bit every time I see a child with one of their toys. Also, this story involves BLOOD and GUTS and a girl with imaginary BREASTS!
Believe it or not, the villain in this story and I actually laughed about this event years later. But me? I still cried a little inside.
This is a semi-bummer story.
BC’s Recommendations: Cory Doctorow’s Little Brother
I’m a big fan of Boing Boing (at which Cory Doctorow is an editor), because I sometimes like to indulge in the illusion that I am a “with it” cyber chic individual with eclectic and fancy tastes. Ironically, I tend to do this most while wearing a plaid shirt, eating beef jerky and cleaning my ear out with a key. I know… I really should have the courage of my convictions.
Anyhow, Cory Doctorow is an extremely bright man. In fact, I don’t know why anyone reads stuff I write when there are people like him on the internet. He’s also pretty accessible which is rare. This is a good example of his work, which you can read for FREE on the INTERNET. Listen folks, I only link to stuff that I personally enjoy. Trust me, this book is good. You should read it for no other reason than that it is good and it will make you think. THINK, motherfuckers!
Also, Xeni Jardin, I love you. And interestingly enough, I can do a passable imitation of Yoda, Golem, and Chewbacca, yet I cannot get anywhere near pronouncing your first name.
Ugh, I really shouldn’t update the archives at 2am. I am so unprofessional.
The Voice of Inexperience: The Mathematics of Threesomes
In my further efforts to branch out my writing style, I present this advice column in which I examine the mathematical repercussions of polyamorous activities. It’s a theoretical discussion of how the odds of contracting venereal disease increase with your number of sexual partners. If you’re reading this, odds are the closest you will ever come to having multiple sexual partners is theory anyhow.
The math is pretty basic, and once you figure it out you can tell your friends about it. Maybe start a support group for people who aren’t getting laid. Cry a bit. But not too much. We’ve got to be strong.
I really hate myself. Want proof? Read the BSG live-blog, which I write solely because people enjoy it. I started to discuss scientific philosophy in this one. Do you know how comically bankrupt I have to get before I start pondering the nature of the Prime Mover? Very much.
God, even writing a summary of it is like being punched in the face.
My Sister is Having her Baby Today.. and I will STILL Live-Blog BSG
My sister had her baby on this day. I was pretty depressed. I needed something to pick me up. So you know what I did? I live-blogged BSG afterward (see below) because I guess I can never bleed enough. Seriously though, let’s pray for the little guy. He’s my blood after all.
I hope you all fucking choke. I PURPOSEFULLY MAKE THESE HARD TO READ AND YOU STILL READ THEM? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP! JUST STOP RAPING ME!
Mr. Irresistible Part I (Because I Suck Monkey Balls)
I enter a male beauty pageant at my local high school, because I am a nut job.
Guess what happened on this day? There was NO BSG! If only someone had told me and stopped me from going through with this. Anyhow, it’s a spoiler rich review of the new Indiana Jones picture. I had to write something.
Mr. Irresistible the Conclusion
The night of the male beauty pageant, in which I dance in a sexually graphic manner while solving a math problem. And yes, it was recorded, and yes I am trying to track down the video. I asked the guy who taped it, and he no longer has a copy so I wrote the science department and they are going to look into it, because they had a copy. Trust me, I want it up more than any of you. I might as well make a few pearls from the awful embarrassment of that act.
Update: I asked Mrs. Paris of Aberdeen High School if she knew where the tape was, and if she could possibly send it to me. She does not know where it is, although she promised to keep her eye out. Although she also once hung my desk from the ceiling rafters in the Philip’s building, so she may not be trustworthy.
The Voice of Inexperience: Death Stars, Electron Orbitals, and Bad Roommates
So the idea I had for this was that I would answer things I had no experience with. Then people asked me scientific questions and while I wanted to answer these comically, my inner scientist would not let me. Why? Because I am a scientist no matter how funny I try to be. Ugh, why can’t I just laugh about electron orbitals? Why? Because they are so FUCKING misunderstood by New Age assholes that I just can’t not inform people about them.
I am sorry to everyone who legitimately did not want to know the mass of the Death Star.
WTF, indeed.
A story about how being physically developed at the age of thirteen temporarily gave me super powers when compared to other students in my class.
BSG Live-Blog 6/6/08 “The Hub”
If you really need to, click the link.
Why George Bush Makes me Proud to be an American
A satirical piece, I wrote not because I hate George Bush on a daily basis, but because sometimes you just look up and say “God… he’s still fucking horrible!”
BSG Live-Blog 6/13/08 “Revelations”
No comment.
Another botched attempt to rid the world of it’s greatest evil: my older sister.
My favorite angry lady, who yells at me whenever she has the opportunity (all the time) ordered me to write this. I obliged.
What the Hell is Gray Bolt Ascending?
I’m writing a YA novel, serializing it on this site, and you’re probably horribly disinterested.
Prom, Vikings, Baby-Sitting, and Llamas
Pictures of me that relate to stories I have written.
A girl I have a crush on sees a certain part of my anatomy I would rather have kept hidden from her.
FAQ: Will you ever run out of stories?
I answer with a Venn Diagram.
Have you Taken your Medication Today, Scott?
No one ever believes me when I say something. That principle is carried to it’s logical conclusions in this story about mistaken identities, projectile vomit, and medication.
I reach something of a stupid conclusion when I see a video on TED.com
A conversation with my step-father about all the things I’ve forgotten.
If you thought my obsession with Brandon Sanderson was creepy… just wait. Oh God… just wait.
Sometimes people see me smiling to myself, and ask “What are you thinking about, BC?”
“Oh nothing,” I reply.
I tell this lie to save them from the horrible, horrible truth. For in this story, you shall read what I am actually thinking about at such times.
Thou Shalt Suffer a Witch to Live
After watching the Sixth Sense, I begin to make fun of psychics. My bad-ass, stoic, doesn’t even believe in hypnosis grandfather breaks down and makes a confession… about a darker age when magic ruled the land, and the shocking truth of our bloodline.
If you can complete every task set forth on this list, then not only are you too good for me, you are way too good for me.
Blah blah blah, internet drama, OMG? Rlly? WTF? Taht is teh suxor.
On the one year anniversary of my last post on DaddyDontHitMe, I let people know why I left Rudius. Shockingly, this is nowhere near as interesting as people may have hoped.
Walking to school one morning, I come across a typical Aberdeen family… except, as ever, there’s nothing typical about Aberdeen.
How I Developed an Imagination
I illustrate, in this three part cartoon.
When I am locked in the bathroom for six hours, with no idea how to masturbate, as well as having no towels or clothes… I begin to go slowly insane. A story about what happens to our minds when they are no longer stimulated, and also about how the majesty of song can make any situation bearable.
“Brother, I want a pie.” Only Bryan doesn’t want to eat it. What he wants to do is much more unconventional.
The Voice of Inexperience: Blogs, FTL, more Death Stars
Shazam! I answer questions about both writing and science. Also, Zounds! Because every time I see “Shazam!” I want to say “Zounds!” No reason for it really.
I’m busy. This bull crap update illustrates exactly how busy by telling you briefly why it is that I cannot write a better update.
As always, when I am pressed for time I go straight to creepy, creepy stuff as short hand for humor.
Terry Pratchett and his Secret War with Shag Carpeting
Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld novels takes on Rafnallian death beasts in this fictional piece about shag carpets, carnivorous plants, cane-swords, and haunted rickshaws. Also, how does it feel to know that none of you will be able to get Terry Pratchett to read this? Hahahahaha! Serves you right for tipping off Dr. Osheroff, Brandon Sanderson, and John Scalzi!
The Fall of the House of Woods
My sister drags a married man into the bathroom to molest him. My uncle pulls her out. Then I prevent several murders as everyone tries to kill everyone else.
Actual pictures and stuff confirming some of what I have told you. Kind of. There’s a newspaper article about my fourth grade teacher dropping dead in the middle of class, as well as sworn testimony from the deer that attacked me when I was small. Well… maybe not the last one, but you know. Some of it is pretty fun.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and Abject Humiliation
I take my little sister and her friend to go see… the sequel to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and am humiliated.
I sometimes sound like people from Fargo, and think Sara Benincasa is fantastic.
The Ballsiest Moment in Cartoon History
Remember a cartoon from the 80′s and early 90′s called “David the Gnome?” Remember how David the Gnome made you feel loved and taught you to respect the environment? Well guess what. David turned 400 years old, turned into a tree, and fucking died. And a little piece of my innocence died with him.
I suck, my grandfather dies, I have writer’s block, and I spend way too much time thinking about the differences between looking like Jesus and looking like Abraham Lincoln.
Several embarrassingly overwrought works of fiction from my youth. Yes, you may feel free to make fun of me for them.
A huuuge bummer story. Seriously, if you want to feel upbeat do not read this. I’m depressed just providing a synopsis.
The Super Serious Synesthetic Scent
One day I’m lifting weights with the smelliest kid in the entire world, as he sweats above me. Then I have an Isaac Newton style moment in which I realize several things about myself. Only replace the apple with sweat, Isaac Newton’s head with my open mouth, and gravity with the realization that I want rather die than relive this experience.
In A World Where the Daily Show is Only Excellent
Basically, all this piece really does is illustrate that I want Jon Stewart’s dick in my mouth. For a person who regularly gives overly positive reviews, this is still gay. I am ashamed that I love the Daily Show this unreservedly… but you don’t know the Daily Show like I do! And you’ll never keep us apart!
A Thunderous Explosion of Guilt
When a sudden need to break wind in Mrs. Magey’s third grade class occurs during silent reading time, I make an immoral decision to save… my own ass.
Help Me Help You Bankrupt Patrick Rothfuss
If you didn’t read this on the front page, I’m sure it is now out of date. However, it does contain a list of what I feel is the most sacred of all male bonding rituals.
Two Awesome Things I Found on the Internet
<Awesome movie voice> This November, when Andrew Peterson finds a song and a movie he likes on the Internet, he posts them to his blog. One song! One movie! Multiple chances to watch as it is unlikely either will ever be taken down! Coming whenever you’re reading this, to the computer or electronic device on which you are reading it!</Awesome movie voice>
An examination of the nonsense words we say as children, and their deeper meaning. Or it’s just a story about my crazy brother playing with my ears. You decide.
I’m going to be honest. This story kind of sucks. Not from an emotional standpoint. But in that it completely fails to resonate with me as a writer. It’s just “meh.”
A Cornucopia of Country Songs in which a Child is Abused or Dies
As I am sadly disposed to do, I was sitting around one day listening to country music, when I began to notice a very disconcerting pattern emerge. These are the songs I was able to think of immediately that fell into that pattern.
Pleased to Make your E-Quaintance
A story about a twenty four year old girl dying of cancer, who was really a 52 year old woman who just liked attention. Follow the link at the end of this story. This thing is pretty screwed up.
My father tells me an awesome story about kicking ass, taking names, and chewing bubblegum. Were it not for the fact it is mathematically impossible for him to have been involved in any of the incidents he described to me, this would have been pretty awesome.
The Most Famous Man in Aberdeen: The Watchman
Fact: I have no idea who the mayor of Aberdeen is.
Fact: I have no idea who half the people in charge of Aberdeen are.
Fact: No one else does either.
But there is one man who everybody knows. He wanders the town, and although no one knows his real name, we all know him as the Watchman. This is a story about the legends he inspires.
On the Importance of a Concealed Penis
No matter how well you have argued your case. No matter the ethos, pathos, and logos involved in your statements and bearing… if your penis becomes visible for even one second you lose. This is a story about one such incident that happened in my life.
For some reason it seemed terribly important to tell people I hate lizards. Probably not a good idea.
The completely boring story on how I choose my pseudonyms.
For some reason it seemed terribly important to tell people my thoughts on religion. Probably not a good idea.
Aren’t you sad you missed out on this competition and that there’s absolutely no reason it should be linked from the archives?
In the middle of the night, when I should be going home, my co-workers on the oil rig decide that they believe in demons and that if we leave we’ll all be killed and our dead bodies will be possessed.
Reflections on the Love of a Monster
This number two slot contest winner deals with the history of Rachel and her boyfriends. Including the guy who looked like Tom Green and had a comically large Adam’s apple. Also, how funny is it that I used reflection twice in such a short interval?
I link to a fascinating interview with one of the most prolific television writers of all time.
This third place contest winner deals with me dealing out justice to a bunch of arrogant little shits.
In the Puppy Dog Brown Eyes of Bobby
This piece got the fourth highest vote tally and I wrote it because I love to make people cry.
A story about writing, fire, and the burned lips of a fictitious dead woman.
The Battlestar Galactica Liveblog X-treme!
After a long hiatus caused by the writer’s strike (see how I just made it look like I was a professional affected by the strike right there?) the BSG liveblog returns!
A fictional story from the equally fictional universe I created as a child.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 1/23/09
Thoughts about BSG and falconry.
Several announcements about why the site temporarily crashed.
I help my father’s pygmy goat deliver its child… or something. I never did find out what came out of her that was causing all these problems.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 1/30/09
I give my thoughts on BSG and the hotness of women who play harps.
Working for penis… I mean peanuts!
My penis falls out of my pants during high school career day and I have to sit in the middle of a room knowing that for about fifteen minutes.
Magic Wand, Make my Monster Grow!
I ask people to make me a banner in exchange for a story. This offer is always good.
Do you want an avatar when you comment? Read this update!
I have a remarkable right jab… and then someone gets in the way of my mighty swing.
Bow Before the Might of ShawShaw
An awesome person makes me an awesome banner.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 2/6/09
My thoughts on BSG and a recent story about how I felt like a pedophile for offering a child a ride to dance practice.
A story about a doctor’s wife, a car in reverse, and my brother’s head.
Fiction. Nanna’s baby won’t stop smiling and she’ll cross the whole of the known world to find the one thing that will.
Some updates you will read only if you are an insane person and like to read updates about things.
Bus Stop Adventures: Don’t Do Meth
In this story about a crazy man at the bus stop doing Tai Chi poses I remind everyone that if you want to do drugs DO NOT EVER DO METH! NOT EVEN ONCE? OKAY???
A story about applying for a job in the oil fields.
Battlestar Galactica 2/13/09 Liveblog “No Exit”
John Hodgman was in this episode, and I am artistically bankrupt.
Timely ever February 14th
I try to rescue a creature of nature… which would have worked out better had there actually been a creature of nature in need of saving.
Some stuff for those short fiction stories I’ve been pumping out.
Ken liveblogs his reaction to IamRob’s liveblog of me liveblogging Battlestar Galactica
A meta circle jerk of blogging. I assure you, the internet does not get more self indulgent than this.
On a cold and lonely road, I am attacked by some creature which I cannot see except to note it has an enormous wingspan.
My Awesome father and also HER on NPR
Funny story. My dad got laid off a couple of months ago, when the mill he’s worked at for over thirty years was shut down. While he’s down at the Pourhouse, standing next to all his miserable friends a correspondent from NPR swoops in and says “Sir, you are the apotheosis of misery and having no hope. Please, may I run a story on you for NPR?”
My father said yes. This contains a link to the segment on NPR. Also, my sister is involved in this.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 2/20/09 “Deadlock”
I prove once again, there’s no reason anyone should read these fucking things.
Mike, my crazy islander step-father, attempts to build a box and quickly proves himself to be no architect. But remember, we can’t judge his culture for this. Just like we can’t say anything negative when he says “I’d love to stop beating the shit out of your mom, she just needs to stop deserving it!”
I fellate Adam Carolla in this piece, as I feel I owe it to him for making my childhood bearable.
This is a fictional piece I wrote, set in a world where one man has lived so long he has forgotten who he is.
The Value of Maintaining Homeostatis: A Rant Against Over-Sensitivity
I ironically lose my cool while yelling about how I hate people who lose their cool at the drop of a hat.
The Definitive Falconry Interview
I employ the help of a friend from high school to give people the low down on falconry.
I examine the mathematics and reach amazing conclusions.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 2/27/09 “Someone to Watch Over Me”
I make a joke about the short story “The Monkey’s Paw” in this. I’m not sure I added anything else of value.
Added solely for the sake of completeness.
Proposal for a Game: Dirty Talk/Fancy Talk
I explain how saying truly awful things of a sexual nature can be very humorous if done with an erudite sense of speech.
How to Sell Me on the Moral Argument Against Gay Marriage
Basically, people from the future would have to travel back in time to explain to me in logical terms why exactly it is that gay marriage has caused the collapse of civilization.
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 3/4/09 “Islanded in a Stream of Stars”
Blah.
These are the kinds of things I think about while going to the bathroom.
I make a long joke about masturbation that’s as awkward and uncomfortable as the act itself.
An Announcement of Cinematic Proportions
I wrote a movie. How’s about some fancy person from Hollywood reads this and buys it from me? Please? Oh come on! I promise it’s funny! No! My mother hasn’t even seen it!
Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 3/13/09 “Day Break” Part 1
You know what’s funny? How I hate doing this, get no money to do it, and keep doing it anyway.
Fuck You, It’s High School Poetry Time
I embarass myself. Severely.
Vote Once, or I will Eff you in All your Eff Holes
A voting thingamawhatzit, added solely for completeness.
What I Miss Most About Old Timey Thermometers…
And why did I put this as an update instead of a twitter?
While trapped in a human-sized maze near Mount Rushmore the relative morality of my cousin Vincent and I is revealed.
The Final Battlestar Galactica Liveblog of the Final Battlestar Galactica Finale
True fact, I made that title because it sounded tongue-twistery.
Updates, and other Objects of a Conceptual Nature
I talk. About things.
I write a self-indulgent narcissistic post about it being my birthday.
Super reader, Shaw Shaw sends me this new map for my birthday without even being asked. What a peach, I tell ya!
In which I give vague hints about beating the shit out of someone, and the circumstances which must arise before I will beat the shit out of someone.
In short: beat your children elsewhere.
The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done
I see a woman saying unspeakable things to her son in a grocery store. So I grab her by the collar of her shirt and tell her that if she continues I’m going to cut her tits off.
When I get home I realize this was a very very poor decision on my part, but not for the reasons you think.
In which my younger brother makes me swear an oath to never grow a beard again, as the beauty of my neck fat is too great to obscure.
Fiction. A man in search of a fortune builds his future home too close to the dreaded Ironwoods. His foolishness will cost him more than mere money.
A happy video of an improv troupe in Germany bringing joy to the lives of several hundred people. I encourage you to watch this video and smile.
After all, if you’re not smiling then what have you really got?
In which I discover that despite my awesome fantasies of intelligent macaws that fight crime, and of parrots having witty banter with pirate captains… parrots are really just assholes.
Seriously, fuck parrots. They’re worse than old racists.
My Family is STILL the Face of the Depression
So remember that NPR reporter that decided my father and sister were the most depressing people on the face of the world? Well, she went back to get some more sad milk out of the despair cow.
Enjoy being bummed out as shit.
Very Glad Link Dump Happiness Joy Bigger Penis?
In which I link to several works of fiction I have read on-line and enjoyed, as well as several other items of interest.
I never ever cry… instead I just bottle every single emotion I have whether it be positive or negative. Except… well damn it. I was watching Willow, okay? And… his children came out to hug him when he returned from rescuing that baby… and… oh fuck… just… I’ve got something in my eyes okay?
In which I come to understand that Teen Wolf is an anti-gay allegory, that it is okay to have many social networking tools, and that my job sucks. Seriously, has anyone seen Teen Wolf? There is anti-gay propoganda all over the place. Especially when he has to give up “being the wolf” to get along with his basketball team, aptly named “The Beavers.”
Voting Time, Time for You to Vote
In which I let people vote on my next series of updates. Why? Because I like you… kind of. Just not in that way. I hope you can understand that and move on with your life. I never meant to hurt you.
In which I make fun of my father for thinking I’m gay because I pronounce caramel correctly. Also, ironically, a read corrects me as to the title of this post. Why? Well mostly because I’m deaf.
My friend Rob twists my arm and forces me to write for him. Why? Because he pays for the hosting of this site, and I owe him a solid. Plus, I get to point out the strange hypocrisy of Orson Scott Card.
Old Timey Miners and Announcements
Using the genius that is so particularly my own, I figure out that the best way to raise money for charity would be to dress up like an old timey miner.
Also, I cut my own hair.
Due to my racial genius (which is different from the genius described above) I notice that black people are very good at looking “askance.” Seriously, why can’t I look at people “askance” like that? I come to the conclusion that it is probably because my features are very round and cartoonish.
Man, let’s get high and think about the size of the universe and how people talk to each other and shit like that…. Or not.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I spend a lot of time alone, so sometimes I have thoughts that are identical to those of people who are high and in college. I just am not high or currently in college.
In which it is discovered that I am broke and a sell out.
A movie pitch, wherein I speculate as to what would happen if I were a hard nosed detective who had to fight crime in the body of a lap top.
Zany hijinks ensue as my sister and I try to stop a deadly virus from being unleashed on an unsuspecting population.
Care Bears: In the Shadow of Care-A-Lot
You know what would make the Care Bears awesome? Samuel L. Jackson.
That’s right, I speculate on a live action version of the Care Bears in which the Care Bears are a para-military organization dedicated to bringing caring to the world at any cost.
And While We’re Talking About Merchandise….
My friend Rob is selling shirts. Several of them are even good.
Dora the Explorer: Terra Incognito
A trailer for a live action version of Dora the Explorer, in which a now bitter Dora is a PI specializing in finding lost children, and Swiper is a criminal maniac that kidnaps and mutilates kids.
In which I discover that I have the same opinion of Denny’s as those people who write for “The Onion.”
In which I announce several things.
Some of which are even interesting.
In which my father completely loses his fucking mind. Again.
It’s been almost half a year since I updated my archives. Party on people.
Also, I thank someone for making me a picture.
Blah blah blah, I want to write stories of the fantastical and macabre. Blah blah blah! Someone gets possessed except just kinda since I have to change words around to make myself feel more creative.
I ask myself this very important question and help foster an intellectual discussion that will last throughout the ages.
The Greatest Public Intellectual of Our Age
I am way too interested in John Hodgman. Still.
I make bad observation about sad music and killing people.
I ask for book recommendations from you, the reader. If you have for some reason read far enough down this page to get to this point and have a book you want to recommend: do it here.
My little brother asks the question “What happens when you die?”
Holy shit.
I delight in the inflated sense of ego shared by those who enjoy the use of large words.
I put up a story vote, mostly because I want people to tell me it’s okay to write about rape.
An Atrocity of Love: My Review of Joe Abercrombie’s First Law Trilogy
Fact: I wrote this mostly because I had been thinking about a society made up of giant talking penises for quite some time. Why? Because I’m a sad pathetic little man who never leaves his house and is probably going to die alone… and who also happens to find that idea hilarious.
Fact: there are now three paragraphs in a row containing colons.
Boring as Shit: Donations Policy
I sell out, but only for a little while.
Donations Button is Now Working
Except is isn’t working anymore.
The story of my Nasa Space Grant interview and my father saying slurs against people of Asian descent.
You donated some money and I put up a story vote, because I am a filthy prostitute who will let people do to me whatever they please if I can just have enough money to buy a can of tuna fish.
I write a story about rape, because I am unworthy of being loved. Jesus Christ, someone should toss a live salmon into my lap so that as I watch it flop around to death I can put some perspective on my existential bullshit.
Computer Stuff and Next Story Vote
My computer died and I acted as though it was my dead wife.
Masterbaterrathon II: The Point of No Return
True fact, my sister walked into the room as I was writing the review of this and I felt like shooting myself.
Today’s Story Will Be Up Saturday
Because these kinds of things need their own posts.
In which I pretend that work is called “self-actualize.” Also, that Thor exists.
In which the greatest picture on the planet Earth is drawn for me by a genius that was mind fucked by God himself.
In which an old man is old and immortal, because what the fuck is up with people being old and living forever. Hmmm? And I repeat: Hmmmm?
Recommend some Ess to me and Story Vote
Because you make me wanna la la la… fucking kill myself. This archive is now over 8k words long. I need to split this up somehow.
Masterbaterrathon III: BC and the Vagians (Teaser Trailer)
In which I masturbate very well.
In which I steal, more or less, the entire plot of Rikki Tikki Tavi.
Some people’s grandfathers just molest them. Mine taught me how to be a person.
Masterbaterrathon III: BC and the Vagian (Extended Trailer)
Because proper jack off jokes take thousands of words to tell.
How I found out I had asthma, a mere twenty or so years after this information might have been useful.
In which things are announced.
Fuck Ton>Fuck Load>Shit Ton>Shit Load> Crap Ton> Crap Load
I am such a fucking douchebag that I forgot to include the Metric Fuck Ton in the title of this post.
In which I get another computer… and the updates slow to a trickle. I was doing so well before I started responding to reader mail again. No one ever tells you about all the clerical work involved in being a writer.
In which I write about writing about things and douche about being a douchebag.
Salutations from the Quarantine
In which my brother gets swine flue and I don’t because Anderson Cooper is a fucking liar.
In which things are announced which don’t follow, sometimes because there was just too much work involved, but other times because they were just way too inappropriate.
In which I write about the Wheel of Time and Chocki the man-shark, of whom a picture does not exist on the entire internet.
TGS Recap Prologue through Chapter 12
This actually goes through Chapter 13, but I am too lazy to correct the title.
Three Rules for Having Sex With Mythological Creatures
Because these are the kinds of things I think about when I’m trying to sabotage myself and any chance I may have at future happiness.
TGS Recap Chapter 14 through Chapter 26
In which I discuss things that happen in the Wheel of Time, like a hero made of heroism.
When Consciousness is Transferred: How Young is Too Young?
Because some questions should never ever be asked, until I ask them.
TGS Recap Chapter 27 through Chapter 37
Blah blah blah, my opinion is relevant! Please! Please listen to me!
TGS Recap Chapter 38 through End
Still important! Hey over here! Hey! I’m funny! Please laugh please laugh!
DunceCast: Send me Some Questions
Pay no attention to the man behind the mirror.
BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! And other such nonsense….
I make fun of myself as a defense mechanism against criticism!
The Death of an Imaginary Sentient Sloth
Because I am a loser who can’t relate to actual people.
A mediocre story which is not worthy of having been written. I will just have to try harder next time.
I think about weird pranks of questionable legality.
I like to sleep, and go crazy when I cannot. Like “So crazy, that I know I only feel this crazy because aliens are testing me.”
More pranks of questionable legality.
Swamp Thing DOES have Sex Cucumbers, and he DOES use them to mind-fuck Heather Locklear!
In which I apologize and update with pictures of things.
A Question I Have: Are Any of You Particle Physicists?
Because I like to pretend what I thought up jacking off in the shower had somehow been overlooked by EVERYONE else?!?!
I’m Tired of Pretending I Don’t Love You Anymore
Is an excellent fucking song.
Happy Profitable Neurochemical Reaction Day!
Because I love to love!
A horror story, about people who waste their lives writing and the creatures that are born out of that waste.
My nephew looks like Dakota Fanning. Sometimes I like to carry him around and tell him not to worry about the pressure of being idolized by so many young girls.
I write a love story dedicated to some chick I never met, because just when you think I can’t make anything more awkward, I crank that bitch up to eleven.
ShawShaw paints a picture of a bat, and I stick my foot in my mouth. Again. God I am such a majestic asshole.
Because it hurts to love and hate someone at the same time.
Or not, because I still have yet to use it to get a date with a girl.*
*Or a man.
I think about annoying evil aliens to death, because I am passive aggressive as fuck.
Because I have never had sex, I begin to turn into a unicorn.
The Official Machete of Dunce Upon a Time
Because when you start to think about the horror of ACTUALLY dying alone you start to laugh. Because when there are no chuckles in your throat, it is only natural to fear the abyss. But when you’re laughing so hard that tears come out of your eyes? Then… then the abyss fears you.
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