The Day my Fourth Grade Teacher Dropped Dead… and No One Cared
When my fourth grade teacher dropped dead in the middle of class, my parents did the appropriate thing and asked my older sister if she required therapy to get over the horror of what I had just seen.
A vacation to a water park leads to a permanent hatred of feeling weightless and the rectums of obese women.
My mom married a karaoke loving islander named Mike from “Ponape” which he recalls as being “The Mos’ Freakin’ primo island ever, dude” due to his inability to pronounce “st” or “ect” sounds. To date we are still unable to convince him to go back there.
My Mother Will Always be a Mother
My mother tells me to go pet a fawn in our front yard. It turns out not all fawns are as nice as Bambi.
I discover that no one in my family knows how to put on a tie, and despite all the people we know… there’s only one person who does.
Seasonal head colds become the perfect defensive weapon for a fat, socially awkward youth.
Kick Your Sister’s Ass and I’ll Make You an Omelet
This is the greatest day of my entire life. Ever. I rank all other days in fractional portions of the sheer majesty of this one.
Several sadly unsuccessful attempts to kill the most evil person on Earth. No, not Hitler. Worse.
The Most Embarrassing of All Possible Funerals
Never invite my family to a funeral. This speaks for itself.
The Polynesian Sailors and the Great White Dick
I get some cultural diversity on an outing with my step-father. My friend Warren actually came with us on this outing, although I wrote him out because I found that it just sounded too bizarre with a friend of mine looking onward as a bunch of dirty sailors speculated about the size of my penis. Warren, if you ever read this, I want my fucking buck knife back. I gave it to you to sharpen that night, and I never fucking got it back. Asshole.
The Dark Stirrings of a Jungle Man’s Soul
My step-father, drunk at Christmas bemoaning the fates who cursed him with disproportionately short arms and legs.
My even more socially awkward brother is offered a tangerine and flips the fuck out.
The story of my birth, which strangely enough I had a direct first hand experience with as a near adult.
My friend “Dude” and I conspire to hang out at my house when his mom tries to lay down the law on us.
The Greatest Generation’s Greatest Grandpa
A story about my Grandfather setting some kids straight. He was a Master Chief in the Navy, and probably the toughest bastard who ever lived.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part I
I attempt to take my best friend, who is quadriplegic, to the prom. To do this…I have to compromise my morals and enlist the aid of a dark ally.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part II
Yup, I get screwed over.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part III
God, why haven’t you killed her yet?
The Wheel of Time Turns… and my Parents Still Aren’t Watching Me
My most painful experience with a sword to date.
The Squadron Commander vs. The Salmon Women
My even more socially awkward brother outwits my sister and her stupid friends.
My father blames me for everything. This includes but is not limited to: The War in Iraq, Polio, Cancer, and AIDS. I only wish I was joking.
Tales of Ponape: The Wisdom of Uncle Esa
My step-father attempts to show me the wisdom of his ancestors, but we soon realize that America is the greatest nation on Earth.
Tales of Ponape: Love, Rheum, and Flatulence
There is no word on Ponape for Love. There are however several words for the shit you get in your eyes upon first waking. When I attempt to explain to Mike how this makes his culture inferior he farts in my face.
Tales of Ponape: The Most Freaking Primo Thing Ever
Mike’s proudest moment… and the worst day in the lives of approximately thirty hobos.
A touching story about the birth of my younger half-sister.
My younger half-brother asks me about the birds and the bees.
Several occurrences of vomiting, gagging, and two crying children.
I get the lead in a school play in the second grade.
My aunt is convinced she has magic powers that can heal my dying Grandfather. Reality thinks otherwise.
Dogs that Shit Fast Don’t Shit Long
My dad attempts to use a tarp as a fishing net, and becomes distraught when he, my brother, and myself are unable to pull against several hundred thousand pounds of water.
My dad blames me for his girlfriend’s car accident.
My mom breaks up with Mike when he tries to kill her, then goes back to him. As they have loud and sloppy sex in the next room for hours, I’m left alone with Mike’s schizophrenic room mate.
The time Mike tried to kill my mom, and I almost had the chance to blast his stupid ass back to hell.
I win a scholarship named after a Nobel Laureate. When the Noble Laureate in questions attempts to call me and ask me about my life plans guess what evil bitch answers the phone and hangs up on him? You guessed it.
Monkey See, Monkey Do, Monkey Snap
I get tired of the endless cycle of my mother’s relationship with Mike, and proceed to do an angry parody of them both while they’re arguing with each other.
My father causes several hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to the local electrical grid, with one thrust of a shovel.
At the age of 13… I find out my parents have been hiding a secret life from me.
Turns out that the secret life was even more fucked up than I had thought.
I go on patrol with my uncle Doug, and we catch a large troll like woman who barely fits into the patrol car.
My brother graduates from the local alternative high school, and every girl in his class is pregnant.
My father volunteers us to raise money for charity. After we work for several days and put in hundreds of hours, we get paid approximately half the wage of a pre-pubescent migrant field worker.
A distant uncle goes insane after smoking pot four times, and becomes adamantly convinced he’s a sheriff meant to clean the streets of crime.
My filthy, disgusting, horrifying love of older women leads me to embarrass and horribly injure myself on a playground.
Full credit to John Hodgman for the term, and if you haven’t bought his book “The Area of my Expertise” you are really missing out.
Sword-Cursed Part I: The Hidden Treasure of Mr. Zumba
My earliest experiences with swords, and an explanation of their terrible curse upon me.
Sword-Cursed Part II: The Dwarves of Umbleburg
I go to a Renaissance’ish fair, where I end up coming to the defense of a guy who thinks he’s a dwarf and proceed to get my ass kicked by a guy who believes himself to be a seventeenth century French Nobleman.
A live blogging of my older sister’s marriage.
Catastrophuck 2007! A Parable in Pictures
Pictures from the wedding with funny captions over the faces.
One of my favorite authors from childhood passes away. I wrote this tribute thing within about an hour of finding out.
Listen to my voice, on this podcast.
My sister buys a child from her husband’s ex and proceeds not to take care of her.
Go See Evanescence Live with my Brother!
Probably a little dated, but there are pictures from my childhood on here.
I explain politics to my more socially awkward brother.
I kick a kid’s ass in the eighth grade, leading me to become 15/32 as happy as I was when I beat the shit out of my older sister.
Two stories for the price of one, because you see: as I was finishing a story about how my hometown is cursed, a storm system kicked up out of nowhere causing five trees to fall on my house and knock out the power-lines. Ironic yes, but as you’ll see my hometown is cursed.
Guess who got pregnant? Guess who is the only person smart enough to be depressed about it?
A speculation about five reasons Brandon Sanderson is uniquely qualified to finish the Wheel of Time series. I have a little bit of fun at his expense, but it’s just a gentle ribbing of someone I respect professionally. I can tell this guy is about as decent and solid as they come. Also, he’s a pretty damn good writer. Check out his books.
Warm Holiday Wishes from DunceUponATime
This is not worth reading in any way shape or form. It’s just a quick hello, and a reminder that I have myspace blogs people can read if they want to. Again, not worth reading.
Things to chew on for a while…
I BC Woods (and by BC Woods, I mean Andrew Peterson) being of sound mind and body, do hereby whole-heartedly recommend based upon their constitutional excellence and craftsmanship the following comedic products for your consumption:
The Bugle: from comedians Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver this is a podcast freely available to anyone with the proper sense to listen to it.
Answer Me This Podcast: An extremely funny podcast featuring Helen Zaltzman and Olly Mann. I recommend it to anyone who is not a dumbass.
The Area of My Expertise: A book by John Hodgman. Again. I recommend this to everyone. If I knew any people in my personal life who could read, I doubt this book would ever be on my bookshelf.
For the first three days of the first grade I am retarded, and play marbles with the glass eye of another boy.
A Canticle for Carolla: Hawking the Hammer
A number of anecdotes from my life where radio host Adam Carolla has exerted enormous influence.
My habitual liar cousin is disliked by my no-nonsense, world war two winning, Master Chief Grandfather. Why Vince? Why wouldn’t you just play Monopoly?
Live-Blogging of BSG Season 4 Premiere
A geekgasm, just as its title implies.
Oh, It’s On… Again (Live-Blogging BSG)
A live-blogging of an episode of BSG? Could there be a greater cop out in terms of an update? Click to find out!
The Moment I Stopped Understanding Racism
An old man who drops the N bomb several times in my presence decides to lecture me on politics with very surprising results.
Today is International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day
Want to know how I learned to write? It involves several occurrences of mystical nature, a mountain shooting a beam of light, and a lot of paper thrown in garbage cans.
Live-Blogging Sci-Fi Fridays with BC Woods
An utter shit fest. Who the fuck has the patience to sit down and live blog not only BSG… but DOCTOR WHO AS WELL? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, BC! GET OFF YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS AND WRITE A GODDAMN STORY! YOU KNOW? THE THINGS PEOPLE READ!
Okay okay! God! You don’t have to get so pissed off about it. All right, here. A story! Jeez. Maybe if you read it you’ll understand why I don’t like talking about my childhood. No! I don’t want your apologies. Just… just go away (sniffle) I need some alone time.
The Voice of Inexperience: Romance Edition
Some advice on how to make a woman fall desperately, hopelessly in love with you. Which I have (cough) certainly never (cough) ever (cough) done. Now, if only I could like myself enough as a human being to enter into a romantic relationship without feeling horribly out of place.
Don’t worry though folks, I’m sure I’ll be quirky enough to provide entertainment for many years to come. What’s my mental well being compared to writing? On the internet?
I really have no idea why people read these. They stopped being fun to write after the first one. I hate them. Honestly, I do. I write them solely as a form of self-punishment. Maybe that’s why people enjoy them? Anyhow, they’re a comedic exercise, because in real time, I have to think of jokes for something I have never seen before. It is so fucking exhausting. Ugh, Lord.
A story about my best friend growing up. His name was Mr. Gloworm, and he was fantastic. I miss him a little bit every time I see a child with one of their toys. Also, this story involves BLOOD and GUTS and a girl with imaginary BREASTS! Believe it or not, the villain in this story and I actually laughed about this event years later. But me? I still cried a little inside even while I laughed.
BC’s Recommendations: Croy Doctorow’s Little Brother
I’m a big fan of Boing Boing (at which Cory Doctorow is an editor), because I sometimes like to indulge in the illusion that I am a “with it” cyber chic individual with eclectic and fancy tastes. Ironically, I tend to do this most while wearing a plaid shirt, eating beef jerky and cleaning my ear out with a key. I know… I really should have the courage of my convictions.
Anyhow, Cory Doctorow is an extremely bright man. In fact, I don’t know why anyone reads stuff I write when there are people like him on the internet. He’s also pretty accessible which is rare. This is a good example of his work, which you can read for FREE on the INTERNET. Listen folks, I don’t get involved in circle jerk link dumps to try to get traffic. I only link to stuff that I personally enjoy. Trust me, this book is good. You should read it for no other reason than that it is good and it will make you think. THINK, motherfuckers!
Also, Xeni Jardin, I love you. Sexually. Even if I cannot really pronounce your name. There. I said it. Wow. Strange to see it out there in the open like that.
Ugh, I really shouldn’t update the archives at 2am. I am so fucking unprofessional.
The Voice of Inexperience: The Mathematics of Threesomes
In my further efforts to branch out my writing style, I present this advice column in which I examine the mathematical repercussions of polyamorous activities. It’s a theoretical discussion of how the odds of contracting venereal disease increase with your number of sexual partners. If you’re reading this, odds are the closest you will ever come to having multiple sexual partners is theory anyhow.
The math is pretty basic, and once you figure it out you can tell your friends about it. Maybe start a support group for people who aren’t getting laid. Cry a bit. But not too much. We’ve got to be strong.
I really hate myself. Want proof? Read the BSG live-blog, which I write solely because people enjoy it. I started to discuss scientific philosophy in this one. Do you know how comically fucking bankrupt I have to get before I start pondering the nature of the Prime Mover? Very much.
God, even writing a summary of it is like being punched in the face.
My Sister is Having her Baby Today.. and I will STILL Live-Blog BSG
My sister had her baby on this day. I was pretty depressed. I needed something to pick me up. So you know what I did? I live-blogged BSG afterward (see below) because I guess I can never bleed enough. Seriously though, let’s pray for the little guy. He’s my blood after all.
I hope you all fucking choke. I PURPOSEFULLY MAKE THESE HARD TO READ AND YOU STILL READ THEM? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP! JUST STOP RAPING ME!
Mr. Irresistible Part I (Because I Suck Monkey Balls)
I enter a male beauty pageant at my local high school, because I am a nut job.
Guess what happened on this day? There was NO BSG! If only someone had told me and stopped me from going through with this. Anyhow, it’s a spoiler rich review of the new Indiana Jones picture. I had to write something.
Mr. Irresistible the Conclusion
The night of the male beauty pageant, in which I dance in a sexually graphic manner while solving a math problem. And yes, it was recorded, and yes I am trying to track down the video. I asked the guy who taped it, and he no longer has a copy so I wrote the science department and they are going to look into it, because they had a copy. Trust me, I want it up more than any of you. I might as well make a few pearls from the awful embarrassment of that act.
The Voice of Inexperience: Death Stars, Electron Orbitals, and Bad Roommates
So the idea I had for this was that I would answer things I had no experience with. Then people asked me scientific questions and while I wanted to answer these comically, my inner scientist would not let me. Why? Because I am a scientist no matter how funny I try to be. Ugh, why can’t I just laugh about electron orbitals? Why? Because they are so FUCKING misunderstood by New Age assholes that I just can’t not inform people about them.
I am sorry to everyone who legitimately did not want to know the mass of the Death Star.
WTF, indeed.
A story about how being physically developed at the age of thirteen temporarily gave me super powers when compared to other students in my class.
BSG Live-Blog 6/6/08 “The Hub”
If you really need to, click the link.
Why George Bush Makes me Proud to be an American
A satirical piece, I wrote not because I hate George Bush on a daily basis, but because sometimes you just look up and say “God… he’s still fucking horrible!”
BSG Live-Blog 6/13/08 “Revelations”
No comment.
Another botched attempt to rid the world of it’s greatest evil: my older sister.
My favorite angry lady, who yells at me whenever she has the opportunity (all the time) ordered me to write this. I obliged.
What the Hell is Gray Bolt Ascending?
I’m writing a YA novel, serializing it on this site, and you’re probably horribly disinterested.
Prom, Vikings, Baby-Sitting, and Llamas
Pictures of me that relate to stories I have written.
A girl I have a crush on sees a certain part of my anatomy I would rather have kept hidden from her.
FAQ: Will you ever run out of stories?
I answer with a Venn Diagram.
Have you Taken your Medication Today, Scott?
No one ever believes me when I say something. That principle is carried to it’s logical conclusions in this story about mistaken identities, projectile vomit, and medication.
I reach something of a stupid conclusion when I see a video on TED.com
A conversation with my step-father about all the things I’ve forgotten.
If you thought my obsession with Brandon Sanderson was creepy… just wait. Oh God… just wait.
Sometimes people see me smiling to myself, and ask “What are you thinking about, BC?”
“Oh nothing,” I reply.
I tell this lie to save them from the horrible, horrible truth. For in this story, you shall read what I am actually thinking about at such times.
Thou Shalt Suffer a Witch to Live
After watching the Sixth Sense, I begin to make fun of psychics. My bad-ass, stoic, doesn’t even believe in hypnosis grandfather breaks down and makes a confession… about a darker age when magic ruled the land, and the shocking truth of our bloodline.
If you can complete every task set forth on this list, then not only are you too good for me, you are way too good for me.
Blah blah blah, internet drama, OMG? Rlly? WTF? Taht is teh suxor.
On the one year anniversary of my last post on DaddyDontHitMe, I let people know why I left Rudius. Shockingly, this is nowhere near as interesting as people may have hoped.
Walking to school one morning, I come across a typical Aberdeen family… except, as ever, there’s nothing typical about Aberdeen.
How I Developed an Imagination
I illustrate, in this three part cartoon.
When I am locked in the bathroom for six hours, with no idea how to masturbate, as well as having no towels or clothes… I begin to go slowly insane. A story about what happens to our minds when they are no longer stimulated, and also about how the majesty of song can make any situation bearable.
“Brother, I want to a pie.” Only Bryan doesn’t want to eat it. What he wants to do is much more unconventional.
The Voice of Inexperience: Blogs, FTL, more Death Stars
Shazam! I answer questions about both writing and science. Also, Zounds! Because every time I see “Shazam!” I want to say “Zounds!” No reason for it really.
I’m busy. This bull crap update illustrates exactly how busy by telling you briefly why it is that I cannot write a better update.
As always, when I am pressed for time I go straight to creepy, creepy stuff as short hand for humor.
Terry Pratchett and his Secret War with Shag Carpeting
Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld novels takes on Rafnallian death beasts in this fictional piece about shag carpets, carnivorous plants, cane-swords, and haunted rickshaws. Also, how does it feel to know that none of you will be able to get Terry Pratchett to read this? Hahahahaha! Serves you right for tipping off Dr. Osheroff, Brandon Sanderson, and John Scalzi!
The Fall of the House of Woods
My sister drags a married man into the bathroom. My uncle pulls her out. Then I prevent several murders as everyone tries to kill everyone else.
Actual pictures and stuff confirming some of what I have told you. Kind of. There’s a newspaper article about my fourth grade teacher dropping dead in the middle of class, as well as sworn testimony from the deer that attacked me when I was small. Well… maybe not the last one, but you know. Some of it is pretty fun.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and Abject Humiliation
I take my little sister and her friend to go see… the sequel to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and am humiliated.
I sometimes sound like people from Fargo, and think Sara Benincasa is fantastic.
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