Here you shall find all the essays that I have composed for this site when I was too lazy to write something with a narrative.
One of my favorite authors from childhood passes away. I wrote this tribute within about an hour of finding out. If it seems rushed that’s why.
I explain politics to my more socially awkward brother, and explain that whoever wins we lose.
The Moment I Stopped Understanding Racism
An old man who drops the N bomb several times in my presence decides to lecture me on politics with very surprising results.
Today is International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day
Want to know how I learned to write? It involves several occurrences of mystical nature, a mountain shooting a beam of light, and a lot of paper thrown in garbage cans.
The Voice of Inexperience: Romance Edition
Some advice on how to make a woman fall desperately, hopelessly in love with you. Which I have (cough) certainly never (cough) ever (cough) done. Now, if only I could like myself enough as a human being to enter into a romantic relationship without feeling horribly out of place.
Don’t worry though folks, I’m sure I’ll be quirky enough to provide entertainment for many years to come. What’s my mental well being compared to writing? On the internet?
The Voice of Inexperience: The Mathematics of Threesomes
In my further efforts to branch out my writing style, I present this advice column in which I examine the mathematical repercussions of polyamorous activities. It’s a theoretical discussion of how the odds of contracting venereal disease increase with your number of sexual partners. If you’re reading this, odds are the closest you will ever come to having multiple sexual partners is theory anyhow.
The math is pretty basic, and once you figure it out you can tell your friends about it. Maybe start a support group for people who aren’t getting laid. Cry a bit. But not too much. We’ve got to be strong.
The Voice of Inexperience: Death Stars, Electron Orbitals, and Bad Roommates
So the idea I had for this was that I would answer things I had no experience with. Then people asked me scientific questions and while I wanted to answer these comically, my inner scientist would not let me. Why? Because I am a scientist no matter how funny I try to be. Ugh, why can’t I just laugh about electron orbitals? Why? Because they are so FUCKING misunderstood by New Age assholes that I just can’t not inform people about them.
I am sorry to everyone who legitimately did not want to know the mass of the Death Star.
Why George Bush Makes me Proud to be an American
A satirical piece, I wrote not because I hate George Bush on a daily basis, but because sometimes you just look up and say “God… he’s still fucking horrible!”
The Voice of Inexperience: Blogs, FTL, more Death Stars
Shazam! I answer questions about both writing and science. Also, Zounds! Because every time I see “Shazam!” I want to say “Zounds!” No reason for it really.
For some reason it seemed terribly important to tell people my thoughts on religion. Probably not a good idea.
The Value of Maintaining Homeostatis: A Rant Against Over-Sensitivity
I ironically lose my cool while yelling about how I hate people who lose their cool at the drop of a hat.
The Definitive Falconry Interview
I employ the help of a friend from high school to give people the low down on falconry.
I examine the mathematics and reach amazing conclusions.
How to Sell Me on the Moral Argument Against Gay Marriage
Basically, people from the future would have to travel back in time to explain to me in logical terms why exactly it is that gay marriage has caused the collapse of civilization.
I write a self-indulgent narcissistic post about it being my birthday.
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