Here is the meat and potatoes of my writing career thus far: stories about my bizarre and sometimes morbid upbringing. Please enjoy… at your own risk.
The Day my Fourth Grade Teacher Dropped Dead… and No One Cared
When my fourth grade teacher drops dead in the middle of class, my parents do the appropriate thing and ask my older sister if she requires therapy to get over the horror of what I have just seen.
A vacation to a water park leads to a permanent hatred of feeling weightless and the rectums of obese women.
My mom marries a deranged karaoke loving islander named Mike from “Ponape” which he recalls as being “The Mos’ Freakin’ primo island ever, dude” due to his inability to pronounce “st” or “ect” sounds. To date we are still unable to convince him to go back there.
My Mother Will Always be a Mother
My mother tells me to go pet a fawn in our front yard. It turns out not all fawns are as nice as Bambi.
I discover that no one in my family knows how to put on a tie, and despite all the people we know… there’s only one person who does.
Seasonal head colds become the perfect defensive weapon for a fat, socially awkward youth.
Kick Your Sister’s Ass and I’ll Make You an Omelet
This is the greatest day of my entire life. Ever. I rank all other days in fractional portions of the sheer majesty of this one shining moment.
Several sadly unsuccessful attempts to kill the most evil person in the history of Earth. No, not Hitler. Worse.
The Most Embarrassing of All Possible Funerals
Never invite my family to a funeral. This speaks for itself.
The Polynesian Sailors and the Great White Dick
I get some cultural diversity on an outing with my step-father to a boat filled with drunk Polynesian sailors.
My friend Warren actually came with us on this outing, although I wrote him out because I found that it just sounded too bizarre with a friend of mine looking onward as a bunch of dirty sailors speculated about the size of my penis. Warren, if you ever read this, I want my buck knife back. I gave it to you to sharpen that night, and I never fucking got it back.
Oh, I know you claim you gave it back to me. You claim it every time we see each other, but you know what Warren? Where is it? Where is this buck knife you returned to me, because I sure as hell don’t have it?
Asshole.
The Dark Stirrings of a Jungle Man’s Soul
My step-father gets drunk on Christmas Eve, bemoans the fates who cursed him with disproportionately short arms and legs, and somehow manages to buy a gun in the middle of the night.
My even more socially awkward brother is offered a tangerine and loses his emotional shit.
The story of my birth, which strangely enough I had a direct first hand experience with as a young adult.
My friend “Dude” and I conspire to hang out at my house when his mom tries to lay down the law.
The Greatest Generation’s Greatest Grandpa
A story about my grandfather setting some kids straight. He was a Master Chief in the Navy, and probably the toughest bastard who ever lived. He was more like a machine that generated fear than a man.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part I
I attempt to take my best friend, who is quadriplegic, to the prom. To do this…I have to compromise my morals and enlist the aid of a dark ally.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part II
Yup, I get screwed over.
Asking the Devil for Favors Part III
God, why haven’t you killed her yet?
The Wheel of Time Turns… and my Parents Still Aren’t Watching Me
The Wheel of Time turns leaving ages that become myth, myth fades to legend, and even legend is long gone when the age that gave it birth comes back again…. Feeling overwhelmingly amazing after reading my favorite series of books, I decide that I am a blademaster.
My most painful experience with a sword to date.
The Squadron Commander vs. The Salmon Women
My even more socially awkward brother outwits my sister and her stupid friends.
My father blames me for everything. This includes but is not limited to: The War in Iraq, Polio, Cancer, and AIDS.
I only wish I was joking.
Tales of Ponape: The Wisdom of Uncle Esa
My step-father attempts to show me the wisdom of his ancestors, but we soon realize that America is the greatest nation on Earth.
This may seem slightly racist, but it’s only because my step-father is such an asshole.
Tales of Ponape: Love, Rheum, and Flatulence
There is no word on Ponape for Love. There are however several words for the varieties of shit you get in your eyes upon first waking. When I attempt to explain to Mike how this makes his culture inferior he farts in my face.
Tales of Ponape: The Most Freaking Primo Thing Ever
Mike’s proudest moment… and the worst day in the lives of approximately thirty hobos.
A touching story about the birth of my younger half-sister.
My younger half-brother asks me about the birds and the bees.
Several occurrences of vomiting, gagging, and two crying children. In short, the events leading up to what was simultaneously my greatest bout of illness and weight loss.
I get the lead in a school play in the second grade.
My aunt is convinced she has magic powers that can heal my dying Grandfather. Reality thinks otherwise.
Dogs that Shit Fast Don’t Shit Long
My dad attempts to use a tarp as a fishing net, and becomes distraught when he, my brother, and myself are unable to pull against several hundred thousand pounds of water. My “defeatist attitude” is then blamed for the immutability of physical law.
My dad blames me for his girlfriend’s car accident because I was driving a different car in another part of town at a different time than her accident. Also, she was drunk. And there was another man in the car who was not me.
I fucked this one up pretty bad obviously.
My mom breaks up with Mike when he tries to kill her, then goes back to him. As they have loud and sloppy sex in the next room for hours, I am left alone with Mike’s schizophrenic room mate who clues me in on a vast conspiracy that will rock you to your core.
The time Mike tried to kill my mom, and the horrible truth I had to face about myself. This is a bummer story.
I win a scholarship named after a Nobel Laureate. When the Noble Laureate in questions attempts to call me and ask me about my life plans guess what evil slut answers the phone and hangs up on him?
You guessed it.
Monkey See, Monkey Do, Monkey Snap
I get tired of the endless cycle of my mother’s relationship with Mike, and proceed to do an angry parody of them both while they’re arguing with each other.
My father causes several hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to the local electrical grid, with one thrust of a shovel.
At the age of 13… I find out my parents have been hiding a secret life from me.
Turns out that the secret life was even more fucked up than I had thought.
I go on patrol with my uncle Doug, and we catch a large troll-like woman who barely fits into the patrol car. You know when you meet a poor person, and you think “Well at least they have class.” Or when you meet a classless rich person and think “Well at least they’re pretty.” Or when you meet a poor ugly person and think “Well at least they have dignity.” Imagine someone with no redeeming features. That’s who we picked up.
My brother graduates from the local alternative high school, and every girl in his class is pregnant.
My father volunteers us to raise money for charity. After we work for several days and put in hundreds of hours, we get paid approximately half the wage of a pre-pubescent migrant field worker.
A distant uncle goes insane after smoking pot four times, and becomes adamantly convinced he’s a sheriff meant to clean the streets of crime.
My filthy, disgusting, horrifying love of older women leads me to embarrass and horribly injure myself on a playground.
Full credit to John Hodgman for the term, and if you haven’t bought his book “The Area of my Expertise” you are really missing out.
Sword-Cursed Part I: The Hidden Treasure of Mr. Zumba
My earliest experiences with swords, and an explanation of their terrible curse upon me.
Sword-Cursed Part II: The Dwarves of Umbleburg
I go to a Renaissance’ish fair, where I end up coming to the defense of a guy who thinks he’s a dwarf and proceed to get my ass kicked by a guy who thinks he’s a seventeenth century French Nobleman.
A live blogging of my older sister’s marriage.
Catastrophuck 2007! A Parable in Pictures
Pictures from the wedding with funny captions over the faces.
My sister buys a child from her husband’s ex and proceeds not to take care of her. This is a bummer story.
I explain politics to my more socially awkward brother, and explain that whoever wins we lose.
I kick a kid’s ass in the eighth grade, leading me to become 15/32 as happy as I was when I beat the shit out of my older sister.
Two stories for the price of one, because you see: as I was finishing a story about how my hometown is cursed, a storm system kicked up out of nowhere causing five trees to fall on my house and knock out the power-lines. Ironic yes, but as you’ll see my hometown is cursed.
Guess who got pregnant? Guess who is the only person smart enough to be depressed about it?
For the first three days of the first grade I am retarded, and play marbles with the glass eye of another boy.
My habitual liar cousin is disliked by my no-nonsense, world war two winning, Master Chief Grandfather. Why Vince? Why wouldn’t you just play Monopoly?
The Moment I Stopped Understanding Racism
An old man who drops the N bomb several times in my presence decides to lecture me on politics with very surprising results.
Okay okay! God! You don’t have to get so pissed off about it. All right, here. A story! Jeez. Maybe if you read it you’ll understand why I don’t like talking about my childhood. No! I don’t want your apologies. Just… just go away (sniffle) I need some alone time.
A story about my best friend growing up. His name was Mr. Gloworm, and he was fantastic. I miss him a little bit every time I see a child with one of their toys. Also, this story involves BLOOD and GUTS and a girl with imaginary BREASTS!
Believe it or not, the villain in this story and I actually laughed about this event years later. But me? I still cried a little inside.
This is a semi-bummer story.
Mr. Irresistible Part I (Because I Suck Monkey Balls)
I enter a male beauty pageant at my local high school, because I am a nut job.
Mr. Irresistible the Conclusion
The night of the male beauty pageant, in which I dance in a sexually graphic manner while solving a math problem. And yes, it was recorded, and yes I am trying to track down the video. I asked the guy who taped it, and he no longer has a copy so I wrote the science department and they are going to look into it, because they had a copy. Trust me, I want it up more than any of you. I might as well make a few pearls from the awful embarrassment of that act.
Update: I asked Mrs. Paris of Aberdeen High School if she knew where the tape was, and if she could possibly send it to me. She does not know where it is, although she promised to keep her eye out. Although she also once hung my desk from the ceiling rafters in the Philip’s building, so she may not be trustworthy.
A story about how being physically developed at the age of thirteen temporarily gave me super powers when compared to other students in my class.
Another botched attempt to rid the world of it’s greatest evil: my older sister.
A girl I have a crush on sees a certain part of my anatomy I would rather have kept hidden from her.
Have you Taken your Medication Today, Scott?
No one ever believes me when I say something. That principle is carried to it’s logical conclusions in this story about mistaken identities, projectile vomit, and medication.
A conversation with my step-father about all the things I’ve forgotten.
Thou Shalt Suffer a Witch to Live
After watching the Sixth Sense, I begin to make fun of psychics. My bad-ass, stoic, doesn’t even believe in hypnosis grandfather breaks down and makes a confession… about a darker age when magic ruled the land, and the shocking truth of our bloodline.
Walking to school one morning, I come across a typical Aberdeen family… except, as ever, there’s nothing typical about Aberdeen.
When I am locked in the bathroom for six hours, with no idea how to masturbate, as well as having no towels or clothes… I begin to go slowly insane. A story about what happens to our minds when they are no longer stimulated, and also about how the majesty of song can make any situation bearable.
“Brother, I want a pie.” Only Bryan doesn’t want to eat it. What he wants to do is much more unconventional.
The Fall of the House of Woods
My sister drags a married man into the bathroom to molest him. My uncle pulls her out. Then I prevent several murders as everyone tries to kill everyone else.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and Abject Humiliation
I take my little sister and her friend to go see… the sequel to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” and am humiliated.
A huuuge bummer story. Seriously, if you want to feel upbeat do not read this. I’m depressed just providing a synopsis.
The Super Serious Synesthetic Scent
One day I’m lifting weights with the smelliest kid in the entire world, as he sweats above me. Then I have an Isaac Newton style moment in which I realize several things about myself. Only replace the apple with sweat, Isaac Newton’s head with my open mouth, and gravity with the realization that I want rather die than relive this experience.
A Thunderous Explosion of Guilt
When a sudden need to break wind in Mrs. Magey’s third grade class occurs during silent reading time, I make an immoral decision to save… my own ass.
An examination of the nonsense words we say as children, and their deeper meaning. Or it’s just a story about my crazy brother playing with my ears. You decide.
I’m going to be honest. This story kind of sucks. Not from an emotional standpoint. But in that it completely fails to resonate with me as a writer. It’s just “meh.”
Pleased to Make your E-Quaintance
A story about a twenty four year old girl dying of cancer, who was really a 52 year old woman who just liked attention. Follow the link at the end of this story. This thing is pretty screwed up.
My father tells me an awesome story about kicking ass, taking names, and chewing bubblegum. Were it not for the fact it is mathematically impossible for him to have been involved in any of the incidents he described to me, this would have been pretty awesome.
The Most Famous Man in Aberdeen: The Watchman
Fact: I have no idea who the mayor of Aberdeen is.
Fact: I have no idea who half the people in charge of Aberdeen are.
Fact: No one else does either.
But there is one man who everybody knows. He wanders the town, and although no one knows his real name, we all know him as the Watchman. This is a story about the legends he inspires.
On the Importance of a Concealed Penis
No matter how well you have argued your case. No matter the ethos, pathos, and logos involved in your statements and bearing… if your penis becomes visible for even one second you lose. This is a story about one such incident that happened in my life.
The completely boring story on how I choose my pseudonyms.
In the middle of the night, when I should be going home, my co-workers on the oil rig decide that they believe in demons and that if we leave we’ll all be killed and our dead bodies will be possessed.
Reflections on the Love of a Monster
This number two slot contest winner deals with the history of Rachel and her boyfriends. Including the guy who looked like Tom Green and had a comically large Adam’s apple. Also, how funny is it that I used reflection twice in such a short interval?
This third place contest winner deals with me dealing out justice to a bunch of arrogant little shits.
In the Puppy Dog Brown Eyes of Bobby
This piece got the fourth highest vote tally and I wrote it because I love to make people cry.
A story about writing, fire, and the burned lips of a fictitious dead woman.
I help my father’s pygmy goat deliver its kid… or something. I never did find out what came out of her that was causing all those problems.
Working for penis… I mean peanuts!
My penis falls out of my pants during high school career day and I have to sit in the middle of a room knowing that for about fifteen minutes.
I have a remarkable right jab… and then someone gets in the way of my mighty swing.
A story about a doctor’s wife, a car in reverse, and my brother’s head.
Bus Stop Adventures: Don’t Do Meth
In this story about a crazy man at the bus stop doing Tai Chi poses I remind everyone that if you want to do drugs DO NOT EVER DO METH! NOT EVEN ONCE? OKAY???
A story about applying for a job in the oil fields.
I try to rescue a creature of nature… which would have worked out better had there actually been a creature of nature in need of saving.
On a cold and lonely road, I am attacked by some creature which I cannot see except to note it has an enormous wingspan.
My Awesome father and also HER on NPR
Funny story. My dad got laid off a couple of months ago, when the mill he’s worked at for over thirty years was shut down. While he’s down at the Pourhouse, standing next to all his miserable friends a correspondent from NPR swoops in and says “Sir, you are the apotheosis of misery and having no hope. Please, may I run a story on you for NPR?”
My father said yes. This contains a link to the segment on NPR. Also, my sister is involved in this.
Mike, my crazy islander step-father, attempts to build a box and quickly proves himself to be no architect. But remember, we can’t judge his culture for this. Just like we can’t say anything negative when he says “I’d love to stop beating the shit out of your mom, she just needs to stop deserving it!”
While trapped in a human-sized maze near Mount Rushmore the relative morality of my cousin Vincent and I is revealed.
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