Battlestar Galactica Live-Blog 1/23/09

Last week, for like a day I was number one on google if you typed in “Battlestar Galactica Liveblog,” right above io9′s liveblog of the same event. In terms of life accomplishments this is definitely above the time I caught a glass midair as it was falling off a table, but way under the time I got one of my e-mails read on the Bugle. So thank you all for that.

Also, I found out that in less than an hour of BSG, I am able to produce over 3000 words of text. I rank that as pathetic. Not because it’s easy to do… but because I did it. So now, for this week in Nerdery.

Tuesday:

I was watching the inauguration, and in between misting up about America getting its first black president* I kept muttering “Oh please don’t let anyone try to kill Obama with a falcon.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about falconry lately for some reason, and I was worried about it because well… I don’t think anyone would see that kind of attack coming. Oh sure, we’ve got counter snipers all over the place waiting for someone to use a gun, but what happens when a falcon comes diving out of the sky right at Obama’s face while he’s taking the oath and rips his carotid artery with its beak? So I kept my fingers crossed for our new president, and he made it through alive.

But seriously Secret Service, if you see a falcon coming at my new president you go ahead and shoot that fucking thing. Even if it has a cool pharmaceutical name like Zyrtec or Propecia. Our president is worth more than a fucking falcon sponsored by a drug company.

Thursday:

Then I heard about Joe Biden’s wife making a huge gaffe on Oprah, and had a vivid fantasy about Thanksgiving at the Biden house where everyone just sat around and said really grossly inappropriate things that no one should ever say aloud, but which all the Biden’s mutter without any kind of shame. Seriously, I bet that family has some awkward conversations about genitals while carving the turkey and no one thinks anything of it.

Recommendation:

Also, in a completely healthy act of transition I would like to state that I have recently finished a book entitled “The Essential Ellison.” This book is a compendium of many of the most pivotal works of author Harlan Ellison, and I cannot possibly recommend it enough. I was going to do one of my overblown/creepy author reviews about it, but I was afraid of what would happen if someone forwarded it to the author.** Probably I would get sued because they’re so bizarre they read as offensive and Harlan Ellison hates the internet.

So I’ll recommend it here, because you should read it and because I like to introduce people to good writing.

Pre-Show Deep Thought:

If you’re going to pick up falconry as a hobby get a leather glove that has several braids dangling from it covered with shiny acrylic beads. But not too many. Less is more and too many acrylic beads would be tacky.

BEGIN LIVE-BLOG

~8:00pm

Are we going to get some closure on Tori killing Callie? Because they’re showing her getting killed again. We might also get some closure on Tigh frakkin’ the Six they had in captivity. Let’s cross our fingers. And again, Tigh should still have a black eye-patch. Also, if I find out Michael Hogan in real life is sensitive and loves shirtless poterry I will be crushed. I want him to be a cursing angry old man who swears at children.

Adama slept in late, now he’s brushing his teeth and taking his pills. Looks like we don’t get to see him get naked in the shower. Although I think we can all agree that would have been very hot. Now he’s signing things at his wooden desk. Reading his cornerless book. Reading poetry it seems. Angry poetry.

~8:02pm

He’s reading goth poetry. This might not be good.

Now Tigh is looking at his unborn Cylon love child. He can’t see it, so Kottle told him to use his good eye instead of his gaping hole. Tigh insists that he “will be damned.” Now he needs a drink so Kottle gave him a cigarette instead. Six is now insisting that their child is the future of the entire Cylon race as no Cylon Cylon pairing has ever produced a child.

I wonder if on some cosmic level Cylons couldn’t have children because they could resurrect. We’ll find out eventually I imagine. Also, I think this nurse woman wants to kill their unborn Cylon baby.

~8:04pm

Gaeta is angry about his nub. He’s bitching, and jealous of the Cylons. He wants his end cap for his fake leg re-fitted. Shouldn’t eveyone be freaking out about how all these people are Cylons that they’ve worked with for so long? Wow, Gaeta is really bitching out. No wait. I shouldn’t say bitching out because he’s gay.

Adama is now refusing to sell out Tigh.

~8:06pm

Zareck is drooling about grabbing power. Except I’m going to have to suffer through his justifications. Ugh. You’re an asshole Zareck. That’s what you do. Asshole things. As in asshole is a verb meaning to make life shitty for everyone.

Now everyone wants to know how Lee knows the fifth Cylon was a woman. Also, I think everyone thinks that Adama is holding Roslin hostage. Zareck is justifiably confused about the chain of command, but I don’t think any of us are confused about him being an asshole.

Now he’s making threats. Are you threatening Bill Mother Fucking Adama? Don’t worry, now Adama is threatening him. Which Zareck deserves, by virtue of being an asshole. I would love to kill that man with a falcon. KAW!

~8:08pm

First commercial. I want you all to listen to the BSG music. The part that sounds Gaelic. Listen and see if you can hear a woman say the word “Radio.” I swear on the One True God of the Cylons that it is there.

Does anyone else really want to see Liam Neeson’s new movie, “Taken?” I do.

Now, here’s what I’d do if someone kidnapped my baby sister or brother. I would tie off one of their hands with surgical tubing. Then chop it off. Then threaten to leave them limbless if they didn’t give me some fucking answers. Oddly enough, I was thinking about this long before Perrin did it in the Wheel of Time. Why? Because I’m a pretty sick fucking bastard, that’s why. Also, it was the inspiration for the short story that precedes this post.

More snoring commercials. Again, I admire them not using any really attractive people in their ads, because as we all know if attractive people snored then snoring really couldn’t be that bad. They should have George Costanza in these ads. Just a hapless hopeless and helpless fat bald little fool who snores.

~8:12pm

Tyrol is using “we” to include himself with the Cylons.  He wants to upgrade all the fleet FTL’s with Cylon technology. Now they’re arguing whether or not they can get the fleet to go along with it. Looks like they’re going to have to use teams of Cylons and nobody is going to go along with it. Tigh is angry about Tyrol identifying himself as a Cylon.

Triple jump capacity? Really? I don’t even know what that means. Why not just do it on the Raptors so they can scout for habitable planets?

~8:14pm

Tyrol wants to be a citizen in the Fleet. He thinks the Admiral will protect the Cylons to honor his oath to protect the Fleet. Gaeta is having a TOTAL bitch fit. He even forgot to say “sir.” You know what Gaeta? Shut the fuck up. You don’t have a fucking planet to support your civilization. Your entire species if facing exctinction. It’s time to get shit done.

Tyrol’s kid’s penis has a broken cock. They may need to take one of his kidneys out. The nurse lady wants to kill Tyrol’s kid still. Hold on, there’s some secret about this kid. Is the kid not Tyrol’s? Oh shit. BSG you just fucked my mind in half.

~8:16pm

Kottle is about to lay it down straight. He even brought up Doctor Patient Confidentiality. This is going to be so fucked up. Who is the baby daddy? Oh fuck. Tyrol doesn’t have any kids.

Who does it belong to? Tyrol is fucking furious. He’s going to smack the shit out of someone. Please let it be John Hodgman. I know he has a cameo. Please tell me John Hodgman fucked the shit out of Callie and made Tyrol raise his cuckolded human baby. I would be happy forever if that is the case.

~8:18pm

Adama and Lee are talking. They’re trying to figure out a way for Roslin not to be as worthless as tits on a bull. Not that she’s actually that worthless. It’s just that I’ve been wanting to use that phrase for a while now. Now, I know you’re thinking “But Andrew, bulls need tits for milk!”

Oh really?

Cows needs tits for milk. Bulls are male.

Now you should feel foolish.

Roslin is walking around showing some sweet cleavage looking at a bunch of pills. Adama needs to penis her back to life. She’s already wiped the table clean. How she just needs Adama to come in and give her a good cocking. I’ve wanted this since they first got together, so let’s go.

~8:20pm

Second Commercial

I made up a new word today. Or I made it up a while ago and just remembered.

Scrawjify: To do something unspeakably sexual to someone, but in a way that may invoke no offense.

For example, if you said “Hey Sheila, I want to fuck your brains out” at work, you would be guilty of sexual harassment.

But if you said “Hey Sheila, I want to scrawjify you” there can be no offense, given the definition of the word “Scrawjify” prohibits any offense being taken. I know, pure genius right?

Wrong.

That whole joke was stupid and horrible and you should be ashamed for reading it. Although if you tell someone you want to Scrawjify them, and tell your story in a comment I will probably laugh horribly because, I, as you have gathered, am not a very good person and am more than a little bit crazy.

How many words do you think I’ve typed so far? I look at other liveblogs. I must be doing this wrong. Because they’re like 30o words tops.

~8:23pm

Adama is trying to talk Roslin into agreeing with the citizenship thing. She’s looking pretty ragged. But she’s doing aerobics which is hot. I like her gypsy head scarf. Adama wants Roslin to address the Fleet and talk everyone into a long term alliance with the Cylons. Now Roslin is doing the Warrior Stance, which I know from the Wii Fit. Now she’s kicking Adama out of her room. I think she’s going to cry as soon as he’s gone.

~8:25pm

Adama is walking around picking shit up off the ground. I bet the “Frak Earth” graffiti is gone. Gaeta wants to sit around and talk shit abou the Cylons. Starbuck is being rude to him at a lunch table. Now Starbuck needs to shut the fuck up because she took his leg indirectly.

50 billion people are dead, and I don’t care because I lost a bunch of text. Gaeta is threatening starbuck which is not a good idea, because she has both her legs and said she will hit a cripple if it comes to it. Gaeta. Gaeta. Gaeta. You are being such a little tart.

~8:27pm

Now Gaeta is organizing a revolt or something. Because he has penis envy.

Zareck is telling everyone about how he was in prison on New Caprica. And maybe the other time in prison. All I’m trying to say is maybe he should be in prison again. I’m just saying he’s got a lot of experience in being held prisoner. He ought to be put back there.

Now Zareck is ranting against Roslin and finding Earth. Well you know what, Zareck? It was the only fucking hope you had. So shut your fucking mouth. Do you have a habitable planet shoved up your ass? Again, you have like 35 thousand people in your fleet. You don’t have time for this unless you want humans to be extinct.

~8:30pm

The Quorum is such a bitch. This is what you get when you only have to be better than roughly 3 thousand people to be a leader.

~8:31pm

Third Commercial.

What is the absolute worst thing you could ever imagine happening to you in a torture situation? I know a lot of people immediately go to the genitals, but I go to the neck. My step dad punched me in the neck once and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I could feel my brain getting choked off because the blood supply had been interrupted. I couldn’t breath for a while, and when I could it hurt. All that connective tissue running up to your brain, and it doesn’t have bones or ribs or anything around it. It’s all just there to be torn apart.

So yeah, I don’t want people cutting up or generally frakking around with my neck in a torture situation. Now, shins or forearms, I think I could handle any of that. Yeah, here’s my heirarchy.

Shins/Forearms

Thighs/Biceps

Hands/Feet

Chest/Stomach

Penis/Asshole

Head/Face

Neck

~8:34pm

Someone is walking in a very direct manner to Adama’s office, while Adama is sleeping. Could it be Roslin? Adama’s phone is ringing now. It looks like Roslin is taking a jog. Adama is just generally angry about having to get up so early. He’s taking his pills again. Roslin is still running. Wow, all that time out in space and Adama still hasn’t turned the little blue part in the middle of his toothbrush white yet.

Now Adama is just giving an agry stare to the mirror, as he appears to have rabies spit and/or toothpaste stuff in his mouth. Roslin is having a freaky exercise thing. She’s giving up on treatment.

~8:36pm

She’s given up on treatment. She’s experiencing a moment of euphoria apparently. Adama needs Roslin to get with the program. She’s in no position to help. But she can’t remember the time Adama wanted to break apart and he came back. It’s time for you to come back too, Roslin. Adama wants to cry big man tears now.

Doom and gloom. We’re all going to die. Just take her Bill. Take her right there in the hallway.

~8:38pm

Roslin wants to live before she dies. God damn it. No she hasn’t earned it! No one has earned letting humanity end. I don’t care who you are, protecting the species is number one.

Baltar is doing his radio talk show again. Is he drinking a cognac? I really dislike when children are at these shindigs. If only BSG had a CPS. Oh CPS… come on and get these kids out of this cult. Baltar is much more interesting when he has Head Six’s tongue in his ear. A couple of Cylons are at his angry beatnick rants. Is Baltar an atheist now? Hold on.

Why hasn’t Adama outlawed playing this on Galactica? It again appears that Baltar is angry at God. He wants God to beg for the forgiveness of humans. Tyrol seems affronted by this idea. Tyrol thinks he sees his baby’s real dad. It’s that other kid that looks like a farmer. They’re heading toward each other now.

Yup, it’s him. Tyrol is pissed off and just punched him. We have a head butt. Baltar looks ready to get some fellatio. Man the fleet is really falling apart since that Earth thing fell through.

~8:42pm

Tigh is angry about ships refusing jump drive upgrades. Gaeta is questioning Adama in the CIC. Adama is ready to punch his face in. The crew on the Tyllium ship has mutinied, killed the Cylons and two marines.  The Tyllium ship is going to jump away from the Fleet. If that ship goes then the Fleet is over. Let’s go kill some motherfuckers.

Seriously. THE FATE OF THE HUMAN RACE COMES BEFORE ALL OTHER CONCERNS YOU SELFISH EFFING MORONS. BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SAD! I FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF SO I AM GOING TO END HUMANITY!

~8:44pm

Zareck has told the crew of the Tyllium ship to rebel. Great the Fleet is fighting itself now. Cavil must be so happy. The Tyllium ship just jumped away. Adama is getting too old for this shit.

~8:45pm

Fourth Commercial.

Okay, again I want to say this for all to hear. If you’re ever in a situation where the survival of the entire human race is solely on your shoulders and you’re feeling like you want to sit down…. STAND THE FUCK UP! BY PURE CHANCE YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE FATE OF EVERYONE, SO YOU REACH DOWN DEEP AND YOU FIND THAT PLACE WHERE WILL MEETS MUSCLE AND YOU PUSH PAST IT AND FIND A WAY TO GET SHIT DONE.

How fucking selfish. “I don’t like Cylons and even though they’re the only way I will be able to survive in this shit hole universe I’m going to refuse their help because I want humanity to end.” Cry me a motherfucking river.

You know what? Yeah your options suck. But as they’re your only fucking options how about you get with the fucking program and try so that the kids on the other ships can grow up instead of starving to death in a bunch of tin cans out in empty space.

Wah wah wah. AND STOP SHOWING SNORING COMMERCIALS!

~8:48pm

Athena has been ordered to find and arrest the acting vice president. Adama told her to shoot Zareck if he resists. Good for him. I’m so fucking tired of Tom Zareck pretending he wants what is best for the Fleet. You know why the only one who talks about power structures is you? Because you’re the only one out there who wants power so much that they think about it. You fucking asshole (to the actor, by the way, you’re doing a great job).

~8:50pm

Tyrol is leaving his illegitimate child alone with Farm Face so he can go get fucked up. I don’t blame him. Who would have thought Callie would do such a thing.

Adama has a bunch of documents pointing out that Tom Zareck is an asshole who wants to sell the presidency. He’s pointed out that being publically humiliated is worse than death for Tom Zareck. Good for you Adama. Good for effing you.

Oh wah wah wah Tom Zareck. “Do you really think the Fleet is going to wait for a trial?” Now Adama is going to wait for Zareck to read his dirty file. Zareck you are such a piece of shit.

Zareck is saying the only difference between he and Adama is that Adama wears a uniform. Oh really? How about that Adama gives a fuck what happens to the human race and is willing to sacrifice himself for its well being? How’s that for a difference you self-serving fuck.

~8:53pm

Adama has some coordinates for the Tyllium ship now. Let’s go shoot some mother-fuckers now. Tigh wants Adama to go see a medic. Tigh has been ordered to find the Tyllium ship. Ha ha ha. Adama just had a bunch of laundry reports. He didn’t have the dirty file at all. He just knew that Tom Zareck was an asshole.

We’re circling the Tyllium ship now. Zareck please kill yourself. Nope, you’re talking to someone. It’s Gaeta. I knew it.  Oh I’ve thought about the consequences. Oh really? Like the end of the human race. You ought to be beat to death with your own peg leg.

~8:55pm

Zareck is pretending he is Barack Obama now.  I am going to flush both these fuckers through an airlock.

Tyllium ship has jumped back. Adama is tired as hell. He’s in bed with Roslin. Oh yes! YES! We have evidence they did it. They boned! Not as good as seeing it happen, but I’ll take it. Nerdy voyeurism satisifed. I wonder if Adama pretended she was a monk.

~8:57pm

Final Commercial Break.

Looks like that was the end of the show. On one hand, I think the rebellion is a group of assholes who are more concerned about being pissed off than they are about surviving. On the other, Adama and Roslin got to get it on. But on the still other hand, John Hodgman is not the father of Tyrol’s baby. So, I’m going to have to rate this episode of BSG as awesome as it made me break my vow to never again mention John Hodgman in a live-blog of BSG***

~8:59pm

Preview for next week

Gaeta is promising to “see it through.” Gaeta tried to get him removed from office, and Starbuck is being ostraciszed. It looks like some seriously horrible shit is happening on Galactica. Is the Fleet going to split?

END SHOW

*My little brother and sister are bi-racial so every time they zoomed in on some white woman holding her black son it was like being sucker punched with emotion

**Which you assholes have done every single time I have ever written anything about anybody, completely robbing me of all the fun I get out of the process. Excepting the cases in which the authors care enough to search out reviews of themselves.

***It was getting too creepy to be funny even for me.