Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 1/30/09

This Week in Nerdery

IamRob is Liveblogging my Liveblog of Battlestar Galactica

Monday:

The site crashed, and I lost all my images. When this happened I stared off into the sunset and a single tear rolled down my silhouetted face.*

I spent the entire day with ancient vellum scrolls translating the words of the ancients to help me face the current crisis. Finally, a young scholar who I and all the library elders had previously dismissed as a fool found the one piece of information I needed to save the world.

Then myself and IamRob of Freak Safari began a mythical quest into a forgotten land where we faced the Dragon Raxnox, devourer of the Internet. And once we placed the three stones from Indiana Jones part II in the dragon’s eyes and mouth he imploded upon himself before exploding into a bafflingly two dimensional shock wave that also bafflingly passed right through us without effect.

After that we sat around for a really long time waiting for the server to reboot, as there was nothing much else we could do about the problem and we had killed Raxnox more or less  out of fun as we all know there’s no way a dragon could devour the internet. I mean the internet is made of information. You can’t physically eat information. How ridiculous.

Also, I had a dream I played mahjong with a blue turtle made entirely out of legos.

Tuesday:

I found a new song I really love called Palladio. Not only do I enjoy the song itself, but I enjoy the performance. If you have a old-timey Prussian style walrus mustache and/or are a beautiful woman who walks around with a harp strapped to her chest please leave a comment as I would very much like to be your new best friend.

Seriously, if there are any harpists (or harpies as you like to be called) reading this, I would like to hear from you.

Wednesday:

I had a super long conversation with ViolentAcres about Battlestar Galactica, in which she not only professed that she completely took Gaeta’s side in the upcoming mutiny, but also that she had a very graphic sex dream about Gaeta where the two “fucked like animals” in one of the rooms of the Galactica.

It also came to light that she has a very slender vagina that can only accommodate the thinnest of penises. She further requested that I write a humorous piece of erotica for the live-blog in which she and Gaeta copulated with one another. I asked if he could try to put his nub in her vagina. She feigned outrage. However, as we’re both horrible people with a multitude of disorders, I knew she was not actually offended.

Then I tried to talk about how much we hated it when poor stupid people have kids because we could not agree with one another more on that subject. Then she wanted to talk to me about what she feels is wrong with me, because that’s what she does every time we talk for more than forty minutes. Again, because we’re both horrible people with a multitude of disorders.

Friday:

I really wanted to interview someone about falconry, but I guess they didn’t want to do it. I guess I will have to interview myself about the subject of falconry and all the awesome things falcons can do for people. I also intend to create new falcon terms.

Prepare thyself for awesomeness!

BEGIN LIVE BLOG

Pre-Show Deep Thought

I think Kara is a humanoid Cylon. Now, hear me out!

I think when the Cylons on Earth created their tins cans their tin cans created skin jobs that were human and could resurrect. So I think Starbuck is part of a third faction that is trying to unite the humans and Cylons together. Remember, we haven’t yet met the faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar.

~8:00pm

Man oh man this is going to be good. I just watched some horrible vampire drama before this episode. It’s kind of like when a drug or sex addict goes sober for a whole month and then does drugs again to make the high that much more intense. BSG is going to be so sweet tonight after that shit fest.

Previews on. Reviewing that the Cylons need to upgrade all the Fleet engines. Going back over all the tensions in the Quorum. Gaeta is getting poised for his rebellion. God DAMN this show is good. It’s like sipping a cup of coffee, doing a rail of coke, and nailing a pornstar all at the same time.

Show started. Man Galactica has seen better days. There was some text on the screen I missed because I am live-blogging this. There are three more ships bitching about having Cylons upgrade their engines. Tigh is freaked out because he just saw Roslin in Adama’s quarters. It would have been better if she looked freshly boned.

~8:02

Tigh has suggested he not take point on arresting all the rebellious captains, as he is a Cylon. I thing that was a wise decision. Gaeta is helping Zarak escape prison and rubbing his nub. This is going to be one hell of an ugly fire fight.  Gaeta is ordering the Quorum to be sequestered while the coup takes place. They have some plans for Lee I don’t understand.

~8:04pm

Roslin is talking about how nobody likes Cylons or Lee. I agree Laura. I don’t like Lee either. At least the Cylons have hot women. Now Laura is going on about how she doesn’t have to be the president if she doesn’t want to. Okay, listen Laura. You made yoruself president. You did that. Nobody elected you. Ever. So now that you have made yourself president why don’t we pull out the ol’ “shove ‘em in the airlock” attitude and help out? Thank you.

Adama is going to take care of ship business as everyone stands around looking super nervous. Someone is pretending they have a fuel leak so that the deck will be cleared. Gaeta is limping onto the deck now. I wonder if they’re going to take all the vipers. Some random guy in an orange suit came out and is pitching a fit. Some girl is witnessing all this. I have an idea that orange suit is going to get killed.

~8:06pm

Zarak just hit orange suit in the head with a wrench. See what kind of people you’re dealing with Gaeta? Do you see? Zarak has assured him that it wasn’t going to be the last person he killed. Oh God Zarak, you are so full of fucking bullshit. Listen to him pontificate about how good he is at revolution. Uh, if you’re the same Tom Zarak as before we met you on a prison ship ya asshole.

~8:07pm

First commercial break. I still swear I can hear the word “radio” in the main BSG bumper. Also, if you didn’t see it at the top of the liveblog IamRob is liveblogging me liveblogging Battlestar Galactica. I don’t know why he’s doing this, but it’s just meta enough that I find if funny. If someone who is reading this has a blog could you please liveblog Rob liveblogging me and tell me about it? And maybe, just maybe can you organize yourselves so that everyone with a blog is liveblogging someone else who is liveblogging me? I think that could be tremendously nuts and hilarious.

So far, I have not seen a single snore commercial. I wonder what Rob is saying about me. Probably making fun of manginity. I swear to Christ my father would have preferred I be born gay instead of a nerd. Even as a little kid I always wanted to play with spaceships. Being a nerd is definitely genetic.

I don’t know why I don’t have nerd friends though. All my friends are assholes. Like Rob. I guess you seek out what you grew up with.

FUCK. Another snoring commercial. I am so fucking tired of this bullshit. OH IT HOLDS MY JAW FORWARD ALL MY PROBLEMS IN LIFE ARE SOLVED. How the fuck are they selling enough of these to justify this ad campaign? They’re $30 a piece and not everyone snores. This is bullcrap.

~8:12pm

0704 hours on Galactica. Relevant to what I don’t know. Dradis shows no enemy contact. Fleet is jacked up on anti-Cylon bull though. Everyone is talking about how the Quorum is full of losers. Gaeta’s gay lover is getting suspicious about something. I bet Gaeta is going to have to kill him before the end of this episode.

Adama is counselling against killing all the people. Gaeta is trying to cover up Zarak’s ship escaping on Dradis. Lee is telling eveyrone in the Quorum to come to order. He’s saying that Zarak’s arrest was lawful and is letting everyone know that the Cylon drives are essential.

~8:14pm

Zarak came back to the Quorum. Lee is surprised. God I hate the Quroum. Even more than I hate Lee. They’re the worst governing body of all time. That really really hot red head chick I’m in love with is watching Anders throw a ball. They’re talking about live back on the colonies. How it’s all like a dream. God what is her name? She used to be a grease monkey and then she became a fighter pilot. I hope she doesn’t kill him. Or that he doesn’t kill her.

Now she’s talking about whether or not there is something between them. Was it her? No. It was a Cylon thing. Programming. Now someone has put a black bag over Ander’s head and they’re all beating the crap out of him. That chick is still hot though.

~8:16pm

Back on the CIC. We’ve got a fire warning near the main antenna array. Gaeta is warning that they could lose communication across the Fleet. Gaeta is manipulating the position of all the troops on the Galactica. Hot Dog is proud of his baby and Starbuck is making fun of him.

Ha ha ha, Starbuck. Your womb is barren. Let’s all laugh about it. Oh yeah Hot Dog? I came back from the dead. Starbuck is responding to the fire warning now. Someone told Starbuck nobody knows she she is anymore. Starbuck can tell something is up and I’m guesing she’s going to kill some motherfuckers.

~8:18pm

The mutineers are emptying the weapons lockers. Starbuck saw and now she’s getting her own shit together. Gaeta is refusing to patch Starbuck through to the Admiral. I think she now realizes that Gaeta is part of the conspiracy. Lee has called Gaeta. Gaeta is cock blocking another call. Gaeta doesn’t know why Zarak has been released, or so he says. Gaeta, you sly dog. I could almost admire how smooth you are if you weren’t ENDING HUMANITY.

Zarak is going to give Lee a long talk about how awesome Tom Zarak is. Now he’s talking about the duality of Lee again. Zarak you are such a crapstain. My fucking God. If this man was on a sinking ship he would just keep on fucking talk and talking as he died.

~8:20pm

Lee is leaving for Galactica. Communciations and secondaries are all down. The fire is escalating. Or at least Gaeta says so. I think he’s trying to clear the CIC. Lee has just landed on Galactic with a raptor and now has been taken hostage. That guy who lost his son in a temple raid is going to beat the crap otu of Lee.

Where are your precious Cylons now. Starbuck just shot him. Now she just shot another guy! Oh fuck yes. Smoke ‘em all, Starbuck! Smoke ‘em all! Some motherfuckers need to get shot. Don’t let them live! Don’t let them!

~8:22pm

Athena is feeding baby Hera. I can’t wait to see where this horrible mess is going. Helo is buttoning his uniform. The mutineers barged in. They have a gun on Helo. A guy from Pegasus wants to beat up Helo for killing that guy who was going to rape his wife. Now he has been knocked unconscious. Helo is my favorite actor on this show.

~8:23pm

I think we’re going to leave this show with a divided Fleet. I wonder if Adama isn’t going to vent all the mutineers into space somehow. I wouldn’t be surprised.  This show zigs whenever I think it’s going to zag and there are still a lot of episodes left in this season.

Also, how fucking cunning is Gaeta? He’s one of the best written characters I’ve seen for some time. I think he’s absolutely dead wrong in his position but I’ve got to admire the way he’s pulling this thing off. I just want to know what happens when Adama and Tigh start to tag team him to death. Pun intended.

See, Rob? I’m dropping things for you to make fun of. Pun intended? Who says that? Me. That’s who.

KFC commercial on again. I bet the snore commercial is on next. Whoops show is back on.

~8:26pm

Lee and Starbuck have locked themselves in a room. All the communications are down. Basically they’re all frakked if they can’t organize a resistance, so Starbuck wants to fuck kind of. Starbuck is happy because she’s so excited she doesn’t have to worry about being a humanoid Cylon. Lee and Starbuck now have a bunch of guns like two buddy cops. None of the trace gas readings make any sense because the THERE IS NO FIRE.

Adama is sending a runner down to the fire. Gaeta is still trying to find a way to clear the CIC.

Helo has just been dropped inthe brig with Athena. The asshole guy was just like “Hey! Rape is awesome!” Then he shut the door.

~8:28pm

The pregnant Six and Hera and all the captured Cylons are all in the same room. They want them all the Cylons for bargaining chips against the rebel Cylons. Anders admitted he was just really handsome and has no powers.

Lee and Starbuck are trying to make their way to the CIC. I think they found a friend. I think that their friend just got shot.

Back in the CIC with Adama it’s now like 0922 hrs. The runner came back and admitted there was no fire. Geata called int eh sergeant of arms. Adama is PISSED. FUCK THEY OPENED FIRE! Geata is trying to get them to hold off. Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

~8:30pm

Adama is ordering a stand down. Tigh called Gaeta a son of a bitch. Gaeta is removing Adama on charge of treason. Gaeta is accusing Adama of breaking his oath.  You’re not the leader you were when we started. Blah blah blah. Adama wants them all to understand he’s not going to forgive them or grant amnesty. Oh you stupid fuckers. You just pissed off the wrong old man. Gaeta, you will die with nothing. Adama is ready to knock someone out.

Gaeta is watching his lover leave. Oh you cold fish. How do you think this is going to end up?

~8:32pm

Third commercial break. I should ask Rob if there’s a way where the words can become visible on Dunce as I type them. I’m going to go ahead and guess that’s not possible because of the incredible amount of bandwidth it would require but it would still be pretty cool. I wish I had time to check what Rob is saying, but I must keep typing. Type type type. Typetty type type type.

I really have a feeling we’re going to see a LOT of people die this episode. Or a really weird ship is going to jump into Dradis range of the Fleet and it will have Helen Tigh at the helm. I could accept that as well. I wonder why no one has tried to seize Roslin yet. She technically hasn’t supported the Cylon drive installation so she could be used to end the conflict. But then again, people are probably still pissed over that whole Earth thing.

WE HAVE ANOTHER SNORING COMMERCIAL. I bet they have spent ten million effing dollars on these commercials. And after ad and production costs, have made three thousand dollars of profit.

~8:36pm

Spent casings all over the floor. Lots of people are dying. Gaeta organized this thing well. Starbuck and Lee are ready to go into the Admiral’s quarters. Roslin opened the door, with her wig on. Roslin just said ohmigods. Zarak is ready to seize the presidency. We need to kill some mother fuckers. Thank god Roslin is back. She has an idea on how to take back the Fleet. There is bullet fire near the Engine Room.  Gaeta is ordering marines to go into where Baltar and his freaks are holed up. Tigh is trying to organize people to resist.

~8:38pm

People are apologizing to Gaius for his cowardice and how they can’t do a better job of protecting him. Goddamn does that guy have it easy. Baltar is pretending he doesn’t want to leave. This man will do anything to save face.

Roslin is walking around belowdeck on the Galactica escorted by about a dozenish marines. She’s going to Baltar’s sex cult. Tyrol has let her into the sex cult. He’s informed Roslin that Adama has been led away from the CIC. They need to get Adama to the secondary storage bay to get him off the ship.

~8:40pm

Adama is talking to the marine who put it on the line when they saved New Caprica. He’s trying to turn the two marines who are walking him down the hall.  Adama is daring people to shoot him. YES! OLD MOTHER FUCKERS ARE WREAKING SOME JUSTICE! SHOOT THAT ASSHOLE! SHOOT HIM DEAD!

Adama has taken the traitorous asshole hostage.

Roslin is confronting Baltar about leaving behind his sex cult. That’s my Roslin! She’s trying to address the Fleet through Baltar’s sex cult’s radio. Baltar is pretending no one has a sex cult radio.

~8:42pm

Baltar is letting Roslin have the sex cult radio. Roslin has a pair of balls now. THE BITCH IS BACK EVERYONE! IT’S TIME FOR SOME PEOPLE TO DIE! Baltar is confronting Roslin about her faith. Now she’s told Baltar that they’re both frauds so he can fuck off.

Adama is holding a gun looking like the ultimate bad ass.  Now Adama wants to go free veryone in the brig.

Now the Fleet wants to know what the fuck is going on with Galactica. Gaeta is ready to address the Fleet. Oh Gaeta… you stepped into the wrong fucking pair of shoes. Zarak wants to Adama to die. Zarak wants to promote Gaeta.

~8:44pm

THIS IS ROSLIN SPEAKING! IT’S LIKE THE END OF ATLAS SHRUGGED EXCEPT NOT BORING AND IT MAKES SENSE!

Roslin is playing with her ring while she speaks. I would not want to be that close to a microphone that Baltar has used. She’s letting everyone know that the only hope the Fleet really has is the Cylons. Now everybody is pissed because it’s actually true.  SEE? DO YOU SEE? Roslin was just cut off by Gaeta. Now the Fleet wants to know what happened to the president. The ballsy president.

Lee and Starbuck are waiting to kick some ass. I love it when Lee is about to kick ass. This is Lee the way I like him.

~8:46pm

FUCK YES! The Adama’s are back together. We’re all going to shoot some mother fuckers. Adama let him run. Starbuck tried to shoot him. She’s let Adama know that his men are now the enemy. Adama is not happy about this.

~8:47pm

Commercial. There’s no way they’re going to be able to resolve this in a single episode. I don’t know where this could possibly go from here in the next thirteen minutes. Either we need a magical venting of all the traitors into space, we need a magical ship to show up, or we need… maybe Cavil to show up? Or it could just end up leaving me with BSG blue balls.

I’m still waiting for the tin cans on the Base Star to kick up and rebel. That will be a real hell of a time, won’t it? Then nowhere will be safe.

Just from a dramatic standpoint we need some kind of urgency to end this series on the real Earth. That means we need someone chasing somebody else. So who will be chased and who will do the chasing that is the real question.

Also, there is another commercial for PURE SLEEP THE SNORING SOLUTION. How many people snore? I’m running the numbers in my head here and there’s no  way paying for all this advertising can be financially justified. No effing way. Every day all day? For a product that costs $30? No way. It’s not like a vacuum everyone can use. It’s only for people who snore. God this is a piece of shit.

~8:50pm

Roslin is pondering what an asshole Gaeta is being. Baltar is talking about Gaeta’s divided loyalties. Now they’re talking about what it was like to be president.

Adama wants to know how many men Gaeta has. Lee has a problem with Tigh as his people killed the human race. Adama is telling Lee to calm down because at the end of the day a one eyed old man is all you got. Tyrol is walking around looking like a guy so cool his name is Mitch Ruskin.

~8:52pm

Baltar just picked up a phone. Oh you traitorous fuck. Gaeta heard Baltar was on the phone and he was like “BITCH PLEASE!”

Baltar wants him to stop the treason. Wants him to remember he’s a good and honorable man. Gaeta is talking about Baltar’s corrupt administration. They have a secret together. What is sealed in the special little bin? Oh no. Oh no no no. What is going on? If this was in the webisodes I didn’t pick up on it.

There’s a raptor going only God knows where. It’s wound up on the secondary storage bay. Tyrol and everyone are there to move off ship. Is Adama actually goign to leave? It looks like he just might.

~8:54pm

YES! YES THE ADMIRAL AND THE PRESIDENT ARE KISSING! I HAVE WAITED ALL MY FUCKING LIFE FOR THIS SINGLE MOMENT. SLIDE SOME TONGUE… OKAY OR JUST HUG… I’LL ADMIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS BEST.

Roslin told Adama not to worry about her. Adama is getting ready to shoot some fuckers so the president’s raptor can get away safely. Tigh is going to stand with him. Tigh locked the door. Baltar is begging them to come along. Man do they look bad ass. I LOVE this show.

There’s no way they’re going to vent Adama is there? I mean, not really. They couldn’t. Roslin is heading toward the Basestar. Gaeta wants to shoot it down. I think.

~8:56pm

Everyone’s waiting for orders. Do you have the balls Gaeta? Gaeta just ordered the target destroyed.  Adama said he couldn’t have lived running away when there were assholes that still needed to die. Oh please let these assholes die in a blaze of glory.

Adama opened fire. Tigh is about to do the same. Adama just said “It’s been an honor to serve” which is what he does every time he’s abotu to die. The pussies just dropped a grenade.

TO BE CONTINUED? WHAT? MY ASS MY ASS!

~8:58pm

Next week the shift in power is just beginning. The Basestar is ready to fight. Adama is standing in an airlock with a blindfold on his face. Tigh was killed. Shit man. Shit. I can’t believe they’ve changed so many things this late in the game.

Please let there be another preview in the last minute of the given time. I hope Tigh resurrected somewhere. I’d be sorry to see that old guy die. I bet the Final Five still have an intact resurrection ship (or maybe someone lied about him being dead.)

Nope. Looks like there’s no more previews. Anyhow, this is one of the best episodes of BSG next week . Now off to see what Rob said about me. See you all next week.

*This mental image (and all others like it) is brought to you couresty of my friend Violent Acres, who upon reading it will hold it up as proof that I am a narcissist and refuse to talk about anything else for the next two and half hours. She also told me that the BSG liveblog is melodramatic. I was not surprised.