Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 2/13/09 “No Exit”

This Week in Nerdery

On this Friday the 13th, many great and portentous events are going to reach their ultimate conclusions.

Today, we are going to at long last see what happened to Ellen Tigh after she resurrected. Is she on a strange kind of Base Star we have never seen before? Is she chumming it up with Cavil? The answers are imminent!

And MOST IMPORTANTLY of all JOHN HODGMAN will have an on-screen cameo as a DOCTOR. Presumably a doctor of MEDICINE.* Consider my nerd world completely and totally rocked. You may remember that I felt a creepy creepy urge to include repeated references to John Hodgman at the beginning of the BSG liveblog many moons ago, so the fact that he is now making a cameo on the show seems like an act of synchronicity and once more affirms my belief that God is a nerd..

Reading Recommendations

Umm…. well I’ve been broke for the last while so I actually haven’t read any books lately, because I don’t want to go to the library and read books that have been touched by the dirty poo-stained fingers of peasants. So I’ll go ahead and recommend some short stories I read on-line and truly enjoyed.

The first short story I would like to recommend is called Errata by Jeff Vandermeer. It’s a story about… well… it’s a total mind fuck to be honest, and I don’t want to ruin your experience with it by giving a description. I loved it and I don’t doubt you will too.

Also, a while ago I stumbled** across an author named Mary Robinette Kowal, who has written many short stories freely availabe on the internet, an archive of which you can find here. She also recently signed a two book deal, so that should be good.

So go forth and enjoy these things!

Now prepare for a nerdgasm more awkward, sweaty, and ungainly than a 35 year old virgin losing his virginity to a prostitute while still wearing his tv show themed t-shirts and ankle socks!***

BEGIN LIVEBLOG

Pre-Show Deep Thought

Consider if you will, a line of sexual lubricants called Condom’ents. Also, I think the fact that Ellen has resurrected officially pegs her as the fifth Cylon and points even more strongly that Starbuck, Head Six, and Head Baltar are all representative of a third faction we have not yet encountered.

~8:00pm

Here we go folks, BSG is starting. For those who are curious, yes I did win that bet as of this very moment. No, I can’t talk anymore about it until later. Wait a tick. We’re seeing a whole new intro thing. Old tin cans and everything. Sometimes I wish like all hell I didn’t get myself into this stupid liveblogging business so I could take in more of these episodes.

We’ve got a replay of the awesome scene in which Saul Tigh kills his wife. Christ this scene ripped out my heart. I almost cried, and I NEVER cry. WE just saw Ellen die. now we’re travelling through what looks like electronic blood. And now we’re seeing Ellen wake up in a vat of goo. A new style tin can is looking at her while she cries.

~8:04pm

Sorry about that my browser crashed. Ellen got out of some goo, and seemed to realize who she was. Anders has his head shaved and Kottle is drilling in the back of his skull. I think Hodgman is the brain guy they’re going to bring over to operate on Anders. Now we’re back with Ellen in the past. Cavil just brought up a chair to stare at her naked body. She called Cavil: John. She named Cavil after her father in whose image he was made. So she gave her father head? That’s nice.

Did she know who she was all along? Is she with someone else? A different model of Cavil? Like a Cavil Prime? Cavil says he’s made vast improvements. It seems like Ellen made him as a child. Cavil says Ellen is delusional and schizophrenic.

~8:07pm

Cavil says he and Ellen shall talk later. Ellen wants some clothes and her father/son/Cavil says he’s seen her naked before.

Now we’re with Adama and the Chief by the FTL engines. Adama wants Galin to fix the ugly ass crack in the middle of the FTL because the mutiny sucks ass. Galin says he’s a Cylon and Adama is like “At this point: fuck it” and they shook hands. Now we’re seeing people in the hallways of the Galactica waiting for medical treatment. Anders is talking to Starbuck saying he’s seen everything. Anders says it’s okay because he remembers everything and she has to get the others. Anders says there are too many layers and he knows why they’re all there.

~8:09

First commercial.

Okay, so I’m wondering if Ellen sees herself as a human being and Cavil doesn’t. This is beginning to confuse me. Maybe that was what caused the split between the Cylons into the Significant Seven and the Fleet Five? Some of them believed they were humans and others believed they were machines and should embrace all that comes with that. Of course for the fact that if you really want to think about it human beings are just a particular kind of machine that produces consciousness. So… I wonder where they’ll go with that whole issue.

Now we also have to think about the fact that the ruins of Earth were 2000 years old. Which means that the skin jobs HAVE to be older than we know. There’s no way they were made by the tin heads. In fact, I bet the “Earth Cylons” were killed by their tin heads. Also, did you notice that Ellen said she made John in the image of her father? Which would suggest that she was born of a mating couple.

And again, she sucked off her dad. Or a robot that looked like her dad, which is gross.

AND there was another commercial for Pure Sleep. How much money can they possibly be making off of that?

~8:14pm

John says that Ellen has not changed a bit since something or other. John says Ellen wrote a sleep sub routine into the skinjob software, but that he could delete it. They also programmed the Cylons with the idea of a one true God. John says he wanted to kill the humans because he does believe in justice even if he believes in nothing else. Boomer came to give Ellen some food. Apparently Ellen is the person who programmed and made all the Cylons. She is their “mother.”

Ellen told Boomer that Cavil’s real name is John. Boomer says John is teaching her to be a better machine and how to give awesome blow jobs. Ellen must be one smart cookie to have programmed all these Cylons.  They’re going to eat some fruit and cheese.

~8:16pm

Ellen says John likes someone to nod when he talks about justice. Ellen says Boomer should make up her own mind.

Anders said that all the Final Five worked together in the same research facility. Tori and Galin used to fuck. The Final Five invented resurrection. Or they reinvented resurrection. It was invented on Kobol I guess. Ellen is the one who made the leap that brought resurrection back on-line. Tigh wants to know the plan. Kottle is clue blocking us. Hodgman better pull this bullet out of his head with minimal damage.

~8:18pm

Lee and Roslin are talking. God… at any other time I would care about this. Roslin says she wants a different picture of Jacob who was a member of the Quroum. Apparently his picture was terrible. He should have known to sweet talk Zarak at least a little bit. Now she’s putting human faces on the members of the Quorum. Gods! This is killing me.

Lee says they need to restructure the Quorum to reflect the ships of the Fleet. Roslins says that is an excellent suggestion. Lee is now being charged with rebuilding the Quroum. Roslin says she’s ready to fall over and die. At least Lee isn’t HORRIBLE like Gaeta or Zarak.

~8:20pm

Roslin told Lee that he is the right one and that he has always been the right one. Roslin told Lee that he is sometimes so hell bent on doing the right thing that he doesn’t do the smart thing. Then she coughed. Poor Roslin, dying and what not.

Galin is letting his crew now that the break in the Galactica looks bad. Galactica is 50 years old, has been nuked, slammed down into an atmosphere. Bolts are shearing off. The people who built the Galactica cut corners. Tyrol says he can fix the Galactica as long as she doesn’t jump for a while. Adama says he wants the repair crew to be all human.

~8:22pm

Back with Tigh and Anders. Final Five wanted to warn the twelve tribes about creating intelligent life. They were told to treat it well. They didn’t have jump drives so they travelled at sub light speeds. Final Five made a deal with the Centurions to create 8 human models. Eight not seven. That could mean Kara. Apparently the centurions had been unable to make functioning skin jobs on their own, only hybrids.

~824pm

Second commercial.

Okay, here’s what I’m having trouble with. What caused the visions in the Temple of Athena. Who caused Head Six and Head Baltar? Is that just God and we’re not supposed to know?

So we know on Kobol that resurrection technology had been created. So what caused the catastrophe on Kobol that sent the skin jobs and the other twelve tribes off into space? Was there a war between them? The skin jobs and the humans of Kobol? Was Kobol nuked tens of thousands of years ago? We must know the answers!

~8:26pm

Back with Ellen and John. She’s talking about the Temple of Hopes which was built 3,000 years ago. Ellen timed the super nova? Ellen says Deanna cannot be boxed forever. Cavil has apparently known the Final Five all along. Ellen says that the One True God must have orchestrated these events. Cavil/John says he watched a Supernova with the ridiculous gelatinous orbs in his skull.

Cavil is pissed because he doesn’t want to be human. He wants to smell dark matter and see gamma rays. He says he can’t even express himself properly because he could be so much greater if he could just jump over the technological singularity. I think he wants Ellen to free him from his body and he’s angry that they put him in a body thinking God wanted it that way.

~8:29pm

Boomer and Ellen are talking now. Boomer wants to know if Ellen feels remorse. Ellen says there is no need for remorse because they gave the Cylons free will, compassion, and love. Love who? Humans? Boomer is pissed off about that now. Tigh and Galin are talking. Tigh feels responsible for the destruction of the colonies. The humans on Kobol invented the skin jobs I guess. There’s a lot of info dumps in this episode.

~8:31pm

Hodgman is taking a picture of Anders bread and explaining everything. Hodgman is saying that the tiniest squirt of blood caused Anders whole thing. Hodgman wants to take out the bullet and repair the blood vessel. Anders wants to know if he’s going to lose his brains. Anders wants to hold off until the circle starts. Hodgman says that Anders has aphasia and that it is not unusual. Anders wants to explain himself. He sounds like a hybrid.

~8:33pm

Sorry if I’m being sparse there’s a lot going on in this episode. Starbuck told the team to prep for sugery. Anders wants a little more time but that would kill him.

We’re with Ellen now at the destruction of the resurrection Hub. John gave Ellen some gin or something. She thought it was a nice wake up call. John is looking pissed off. John is mad that he’s mortal now. He’s angry they’re going to go extinct now. Ellen says good luck with rebuilding resurrection. There’s a Colony somewhere with all the equipment? John is railing against Ellen’s whole spiel.

~8:35pm

John says Ellen is no better than the humans that enslaved them. John says he’s going to cut open Ellen’s head if she doesn’t give them back resurrection. He’s looking super crazy now. Ellen is just sad.

~8:35pm

Third commercial.

There is A LOT of info dumping in this episode. There’s another Cylon out there. I think we’re being led to believe that it’s Starbuck. So why is she special? What did John do to get rid of her?

And the humans on Kobol made the skin jobs? Is that what caused the migration from Kobol to the thirteen colonies?

When the Final Five were on Earth who caused the nuclear explosion that ended their civilization? Was it their tin cans?

And John said something about a colony somewhere where all the resurrection equipment still existed. Is this going to be the new Earth? Did Ellen go ahead and make a new Earth? Why did the Final Five feel they had to warn the other colonies about creating sentient life? How many times has this grand cycle of history repeated?

Is this the final circle Anders keeps trying to follow? Is Galactica the REAL dying leader that’s going to show the humans the way to Earth? Are Head Six and Head Baltar ACTUALLY agents of God?

Will I ever lose my virginity?

I guess we’re just going to have to wait and find out.

We need to figure out what the hell is going on with Starbuck. Why is she the harbinger of death? What the fuck was going on with her and her mother? Did her mother know her kid was a Cylon if in fact her child was a Cylon.

~8:40pm

John was the first built of the Cylons. The Centurions believed in the Cylons. John killed the Final Five and gave them false memories and sent them out into the colonies. They all saw warnings. They kept seeing things. Seven was the Daniel? What does that mean? The miracle and the angels is going to happen? They need to stay with the Fleet? This show just went LOST on my ass. I can’t type shit down as fast as it is happening.

Were all the Final Five seeing versions of Head Six and such?

~8:42pm

Tigh just walked into his room with the hottie Six. Tigh is made Kottle kicked them out. Six looks like she wants to know what is going on. The baby is moving in Six’s belly. Tigh is thinking they should built a crib for the baby. Now he’s smiling because he can feel the baby move. Tigh is taking to fatherhood very well. It’s a boy so I’m guessing the boy will get to bone Hera.

Ellen is drawing pictures of Saul with both of his eyes. John says that Ellen will be impressed with their improvement in memory recall. Ellen says that John is a sadist and that he should have killed them and be done with it.

John said he sent them to live with the humans so he could show them humans up close and make them suffer. Ellen says he tortured them so when they came back they would admit John was right.

~8:45pm

Ellen told John he is driven by the most petty emotions. Ellen says she knows what John did to Daniel. Ellen was close to Daniel, so John corrupted the genetic formula of the Daniels. John is made because Ellen made him such an asshole. FRAK! There is a lot going on here.

Ellen said John is not a mistake and he needs to accept himself. She told him he has free will and that she loves him and she made him. John is just looking pissed off, I think he’s going to hit her.

~8:47pm

John says he has to scrub for surgery.

~8:47pm

Fourth commercial.

Okay, so I have to do a bunch of recap here as I’m being punched in the face with a truly spectacular amount of information.

John/Cavil corrupted the Daniel model who I assume is the Leobon model unless of course I am way off base about that. Ellen can’t rebuild the resurrection ship because it would take all of the Final Five to do something like that.

And here’s the thing that’s kicking my ass right now.

If Anders is right all the Final Five on Earth saw signals that only they could see warning about the end of the world. Then he started talking about miracles and angels. So what the frak is going on? Why do centurions believe in god. Oh and here’s the other thing WHY CAN HYBRIDS SEE INTO THE FUTURE? Remember in Razor? Remember the Prison Guard from the Shawshank Redemption laying in all his tubey gooey glory? Remmeber he was at peace because he had already seen his death happen?

So that’s all going on. We’ve got secrets buried in secrets here folks and I aim to get to the bottom of it.

~8:51pm

How is this show almost over? This is killing me.

Galin is having everyone patch up the FTL. Galin started thinking about damage they can’t see. He’s telling Adama about this liquid fluorescent stuff he made. There are hairline fractures in all the beams of the Galactica. Tyrol says there is something on the baseship that can help. There’s an organic resin that can help take the load as it matures. Adama says that the organic resin is out of the question. Adama still says no.

Starbuck is apologzing to bald Anders.  John Hodgman needs to operate. Now God, if ever there was a time for my faith in John Hodgman to mean something let it mean something now. Anders must live to share his secrets with the rest of the Final Five. May your hands be true Hodgman.

~8:53pm

Adama is noticing a tear in the structure of his room and listening to a groan. I think he’s starting to get a message about how broken his ship realy is.

Back on the Baseship with Ellen. Ellen looks very much at peace. Boomer is dressed up in some Kung Fu body armor. Ellen says that Saul may not hate her. The Simons are ready for the surgery apparently. Boomer really does look like a Kung Fu Warrior.

Ellen is walking very matter of factly to her execution.

Tigh and company are waiting outside the OR for news on Anders.  They forgot to ask about the song too. Kottle handed Starbuck the bullet and says that Anders is goign to live. Hodgman is surprised that Anders isn’t awake already. I knew Hodgman could do it! I bet he used his compendium of complete world knowledge as a guide!

Boomer and Ellen just escaped. They’re being pursued by Raiders. They just jumped away.

~8:56pm

Starbuck is talking to Anders. Anders is still sleeping. I’m so hoping he doesn’t flat-line right now. The nurse just told Starbuck that Anders has no brain activity. Wait? When did this happen?

Adama is on the phone getting ready to talk to Galin. Adama is drinking and taking some pills. Adama wants to save his girl and he says if they need the resin they should get the resin.

Show is over folks.

PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK

Ellen has shown up on the Galactica next week. The Final Five want to jump away and start a new life. They’re putting it up for a vote apparently. Guns and ammo are all about. Christ this show has completely pulled the carpet out from under me. I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore.

Does Boomer want to get back with Tyrol now?

Fuck it, I’m going to go eat something with bread or sugar in it.

*And if you still haven’t bought his book the AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE or its sequel MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE then no amount of plugging is going to penetrate the caveman like thickness of your skull.

**This means I was procrastinating and reading John Scalzi’s website like a month ago and came across her name and decided I would rather read than be productive for the next three hours.

*** I defy anyone to describe writing 3,000 words in an hour about a science fiction television show as anything other than awkward, sweaty, and ungainly.