Battlestar Galactica Liveblog 2/27/09 “Someone to Watch Over Me”

A girl named Emily asked me to “write something” for her. Then, like Mephistopheles, I asked “Something?”

She said, “Yeah, something.”

Therefore, this week’s BSG Liveblog is dedicated to Emily, who must learn to be more specific about her wishes.

This Week in Nerdery

Monday:

I had a long series of thoughts on how to properly rear a child to respond to violent situations. Obviously, no one wants a kid that just goes around and punches other people in the face for no reason. But you also don’t want your kid to urinate himself or herself when he or she has a confrontation on the playground. You need to find a way to inject experiences into their life during their developmental years that will show them the value of courage. So here’s what I decided:

Hire a character actor.

Dress the actor up in an eye patch, give him a hand claw, and evil henchman clothes. Then pay this character actor to attack you somewhere you are with your child. The villain should also say generally evil things like “I’ll teach you to be a productive member of society and have a stable monogamous relationship!”

Have a long choreographed fight in front of your still developing child in which you are observed to totally kick the ass of the character actor while saying things like “I bet you didn’t have perfect attendance in school, did you? And really? You only tried marijuana ONE time?” Then have the character actor run away crying.

Your kid will look at you and be like “WOW MOM/DAD! I want to have the appropriate emotional responses now when I am attacked! I also for some reason want to do well in school, never try drugs, and be in a committed relationship!” Do this a couple more times in the course of their life and you’ll raise another Sully Sullenberger.

I should so totally start this a business.

Wednesday:

The dryer started making a bunch of weird noises to a rhythm, then I was like “Jesus Christ! This is just like stomp!” Then I wanted to go around the house and turn a bunch of appliances on and off to see if I could get a percussive song going. I lost motivation as soon as I considered standing.

Friday:

It’s been an eventful day. First, everyone got mad at me because they couldn’t follow my math about twincest being the same as masturbation in the case of mirror twins. Which, to me,  seems perfectly obvious so long as the twincestuous twins have similar haircuts. If you’re having a threesome with mirror twins with radically different haircuts that’s just wrong.

Then I started to fix the dryer, which was broken. I took it all apart and guess what? I found TEN DOLLARS IN CHANGE! That was all I found, and when I put the dryer back together…. BAM! It worked. So that’s what I’ve been doing for about the past four hours and why I’m getting a late start on this liveblog.

I’m also cleaning the house because my aunt Debbie is coming to visit and I am ashamed of my shower/entire bathroom area. I also forgot to mention the walk I went on today when I started to ponder the mathematics of twincest. Sure, call me mad NOW… but one day I’m going to be remembered as a pioneer in the field of twincestual functions.

Recommendation:

I’ve mentioned the author Patrick Rothfuss here before, but I thought I would do so again because he recently made some cartoons of himself that look very much like Ronald D. Moore. Given that this is the BSG liveblog, I think that’s enough reason to tell you hesitating honchos that THE NAME OF THE WIND is one of the best books I have ever read. Read it, or I will find you where your sleep… no… no I wont. Let’s be honest, I’ll probably just watch tv and take a nap if you don’t buy it, because I have low motivation.

Still, you’re only hurting yourself if you don’t.

BEGIN LIVEBLOG:

PreShow Thoughts:

I’m hoping we lose some of the exposition and return to more action oriented scenes in these last few episodes. I want to see some dog fights and some marines shooting some shit up. I also want to figure out what the hell the third faction is and what its motives are. I really really hope they don’t just say “GOD DID IT!” and I have to fall down on my knees and cry.

We need to know how Kara resurrected.

~8:00pm

Going through the flashbacks. More Galactica Osteoporosis. More Adama being sad. More Elen being a Drama Queen. Starbuck finds her dead body again. Leobon is creeped out again. Starbuck is like, buck yeah, I am mysterious. Okay, we’re back to the real show now.

Someone is playing the piano. Lights on the Galactica are flickering. I wonder if they have infinite light bulbs yet. And how the hell do people on the Galactica jack off? There would never be any privacy. At this point are they just like “Hey guys, I’m just going to whack off during dinner while everyone eats we know each other really well at this point and I can’t hold it any longer.”

Starbuck showered and is talkign to some pilots. Lots of Sixes are in the briefing room.

~8:02pm

Missions is constantly the same. Starbuck is having a whole montage of preparation. She has the last tube of toothpaste in the universe. This is a very depressing montage. The mutiny has thined the ranks so no one will have backseaters. She said don’t wank too much! Conserve 02. Galactica repairs are causing power outages. Good hunting and such.

Tyrol says that Galactica only has a few more jumps left. Impossible to say how many though.

~8:04pm

Yeah, I see Galactica being the dying leader. Six wants to try Boomer for treason. She’s now the representative of the Base Ship in the New Fleet Quorum. Tyrol is upset that Six wants to kill Boomer. And now we cut to the bumper.

~8:05pm

I swear to Jesus effing Christ if someone doesn’t confirm that there is a definite use of the word “radio” in this song, I am going to go effing nuts. Effing eff holes of eff. Listen to it. Right after the survivor count it says “raaadio.” Anyone? Anyone at all?

Where are they going to find a new planet? The Cylon home colony? But we’ll have to kill Cavil before we can do that? Is that the sad ending we’ve been promised? They get to the Cylon home colony but getting there destroys the entire Fleet and they have to start with literally nothing? AND WHO ARE THE HEAD PEOPLE AND WHO DO THEY REPRESENT AND WHERE IN THE EFFING EFF HOLES OF EFF DID STARBUCK COME FROM?

Also, my hands are bleeding because I cut them while my hands were inside the dryer. Sheet metal is sharp and my hands are large. I suppose it was inevitable but it still stings.

Also, the picture at the top is a reference to a short story called “The Monkey’s Paw” which is about a paw that grants wishes but they all go horribly wrong. I thought it was appropriate.

PURE SLEEP? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW MANY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ARE YOU SPENDING ON MOVING YOUR TEN EFFING DOLLARS WORTH OF MERCHANDISE? NO ONE NEEDS THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU’RE MARKETING IT AT EVERYONE! DIE IN A FIRE YOU ASSHOLES, AND NOT OF SMOKE INHALATION! I WANT TO SEE YOU BURN! BURN PURE SLEEP! BURN!

~8:09pm

People are in the bathroom. Galactica is shaking. People are shaving. Cottle is biting a pen. People in the hangar deck are looking sad. Hoshi wants some man meat. There was a reference to John Hodgman’s character. Anders is having weird brain patterns. Ellen said some crap. Cottle says it doesn’t mean anything that Anders eyes have opened up. Cottle says Kara should go fuck someone but not so explicity. He said “move on with your life” but I think he was angling for a BJ.

Piano music, crying Starbuck, wing tatoos yada yada. Kara wants him to play a different song. He’s been composing a song. Kara wants him to stop since there’s no point. I wonder if this is Daniel’s ghost or something?

~8:11pm

Starbuck wants to know if he was playing when the Cylons attacked the colonies. I wonder if this is her father. The bar on the Galactica closes? I would never stop getting drunk if I was one of the last humans in the Universe.

Now paino player guy is playing a song I don’t really like. But then again, I don’t like jazz either, or whatever the fuck this is. Starbuck looks like she recognizes the song he’s playing.

Tyrol is using a grind wheel and is staring at the 8′s. He’s goign to lose his fingers. Now he’s flirting with the Boomer. they’re frakking. He’s going to lose his fingers. These sporadic flashbacks are freakign me out. I don’t think he’s frakking at all. He’s staring at an 8 again. YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE A FINGER! I KNOW GUYS WHO HAVE LOST HANDS ON THOSE THINGS! PAY ATTENTION IT IS NOT COOL!

This is bothering me to no end. Tyrol told everyone they can’t draw their power from the same bus.

~8:14pm

Baby Hera has very strange hair. Helo wants Starbuck to see something that will cheer her up. Hera is drawing the stars. I bet they guide the way to Earth. I bet you a million dollars. Helo has a box of Starbuck’s stuff. WHy is he just now giving it back? He’s got a casette tape of somebody with the last name of Thrace. Hera gave Starbuck a drawing that I bet is important.  Starbuck says “have the rest of my shit.” Helo is like “my face is bleeding and I need a band-aid.”

Now we’re with Boomer. She has terrific 80′s bangs. Tyrol is standing next to her cage. Totally wants to wig out his cock and stick it between the wiring. I know. Wait, there’s glass too. Now they’re talking over the phone. He has the shaky face man look.

~8:16pm

Boomer is sad about the things Tyrol said to her when she shot Adama. You know what I want to name Boomer? Flip-Flopper. She is the most Flip Floppingest Cylon in the entire world. She says she thought about him every day since she died in his arms. Tyrol says he thought about her every day. Poor Callie. The Galactica is having lots of power outages. Boomer wants Tyrol to know it’s okay, because they both know who they are now. We’ve got hands on glass people! Hands on glass! Wait, Tyrol won’t put his hands on the glass. Nope. He just did it. Now he’s having a weird vision.

~8:18pm

Tyrol looks like he’s in Baltar’s house. He wants to know what the hell it is. A house on Picon? Are they projecting? We haven’t seen the Five do this yet. That was intense. I wish I had more mind powers. All I can do is twincest math.

~8:19pm

Commercial.

As soon as I get done with this I have to rush and put all my books away because they’re scattered on the floor. I have to change my sheets. And then I have to scrub out the shower, and I have about an hour to do that. This day has sucked. Tomorrow I’m sitting out on the deck and doing nothing but working on Gray Bolt and/or Ironwood.

Also, I’m starting to worry about how this show could possibly end. It doesn’t seem like anyone is anywhere close to where they need to be and I don’t think they’re going to be able to get there in any kind of way that doesn’t involve Deus Ex Machina. Anders is like “I have a piece of the puzzle!” Hera is like “I have the other piece!” And then Starbuck is like “I have this piece from a song my father wrote!”

Really? I’m hoping it doesn’t end that way. I really hope so. And I want a big container of popcorn chicken for some reason. Popcorn chicken has the perfect meat to batter ratio. I could eat that shit all day.

~8:22pm

Back in the bar. Piano player is there. Is he blind? For some reason I like it when my piano players can’t see. Starbuck is clapping for the piano player. He called Starbuck a critic. Now they’re having banter about his song sucks. Starbuck called him an over-sensitive jackass. Starbuck has such mannish mannerisms.  Very good acting. Starbuck has this very vivid recollection of a car pulling away and chasing it. She’s looking at the piano player like he’s her dad.

~8:24pm

Tyrol wants the Final Five to stick up for Boomer. Ellen wants to allow the trial. Tyrol is like “Damn you all! I want to fuck that bitch!” Tigh is like, I want to get drunk because I lost my child. Torrie is  like “I am a bitch. I am the biggest bitch that ever was.”

Tyrol wants to know how often Boomer has been going to their pretend house on Picon. They had the house planned down to every last detail. This reminds me of my plans to be a hermit. I know exactly what my hermit house looks like.  Boomer is laughing. Really, she does have fantastic bangs. I wish more women had Boomer Bangs.

Tyrol is like “Project me to my house, woman!” This is a whole new take on the hands in glass prison motif.

~8:26pm

now Tyrol and Boomer are hanging out in their house together smelling a fresh breeze. Tyrol is walking through the house, found a bunch of glasses. That’s a lot of crystal. Apparently they have a fake child. Okay, now this is creepy. I do not want someone to have a fake child with me that I am not involved in making up. Do you hear that stalkers? NO FAKE CHILDREN WITHOUT MY CONSENT!

Now Tyrol is in his little girl’s room. And he’s crying in real life. They must look so crazy to the prison guard.  Now they’re laughing in real life.

Starbuck is sitting with the piano player. She’s got this flirty posture toward him. I do not like considering he could be her dead father.

~8:28pm

She’s confronting him about ripping someone off. Starbuck really knows her music if that wasn’t something her father wrote. Her dad used to play the piano. Now they’re having banter about bad dads forcing kids to learn music. Is Starbuck going to get some jazz hands going on and play those keys like it’s no ones business? I hope so. She’s having lots of flashbacks. Please let her get in a viper all of the suddenn.

~8:29pm

Commercial.

By the way, I feel so creeped out by the fact that they’re selling costumes from BSG. Can you imagine how dirty Tricia Helfer must feel? Some morbidly obese guy with male pattern baldness and a pony tail probably bought her dress for $10k and masturbates into it every night. Oh Christ. I would never EVER stop vomiting.

Which now makes me think about wardrobe on other movies and other sets. I bet that there’s some dirty grip on every set who is like “Oh really? This is Rosario Dawson’s bikin armor from Sin City?” YUCK!

Sometimes I do not enjoy the way my mind works and the conclusions it draws. Like one time I was in Mexico and some kids offered me some chiclets, so I bought them then I thought “where did they get those chiclets?” Then I realized that their supplier probably took all their money and left them with a pittance then I felt sad. Why must I be able to deduce chiclet pimps? Other people just hand money over to kids and think they’re doing good. But I know that these kids are being preyed upon and then I just get depressed.

~8:33pm

We’re in the Viper Bay.. I think? Starbuck is there in uniform and she hears piano music. A little girl is playing it. Very surreal. You know what bothers me about Starbuck’s mannish mannerisms? They’re like my sisters. She turned the kid around and she had Starbuck’s dead face. Now Starbuck woke up and is creeping out. Now Starbuck is talkign tot he piano player about finding her dead body. I would be so freaked out if some person asked me that and I was just a piano player. There is something special about this guy.  Why is she opening to him like this?

She said she felt so clear when she was leading the Fleet to Earth. The piano player says sometimes people need to feel lost, and that just because they dont’ know their direction doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

~8:35pm

Tyrol doesn’t want the president to sign the order turning the Boomer over to the Cylons. She’s signing the order. Tyrol wants to leave her in the brig. He’s crying. This is bumming me out. Adama is looking bummed out. Roslin is an ice queen. Tyrol just looks sad. Lots of pauses. Tyrol has been dismissed. All he has is nothing, and now they’re taking the nothing away from him? BS! BS! He’s going to go start some shit.

He’s down belowdecks in the Galactica. He just pickd up a wrench and let some gas out of something. Is he going to rape a Boomer?

~8:37pm

Starbuck told the piano player to get laid. Piano player says he left his wife not the other way around. She wanted him to quit playing the piano. They had a kid. She wanted more so he left. Is this her father? Please don’t let her have sex with him. Please. I see now. Tyrol put another 8 in Boomer’s place.  Well that’s way less creepy than a raping. But if Cylons can recognize one another, how is this going to work? Deanna could recognize.

~8:39pm

Piano player is trying to get Starbuck to play. Starbuck doesn’t remember it and won’t play because her father never came back or wrote. She quit playing to punish him. Piano player is trying to get her to play a song. I bet we find out he wasn’t really there at all later one. Someone will be like “What piano player?” And then my mind will turn in half.

Starbuck is having flashbacks as her hands go on the piano. She’s remembering. Music building. This has got to be her father. She’s crying. Come on come on.  She won’t play. Damn it.

Boomer just got recognized by another 8. I think it was Athena.

~8:41pm

Commercial.

So the most flip flopping of all flip floppers just punched out Athena probably to try and fuck Helo and get to Hera. I know this is like part of her character, all this flip flopping but IT IS RELALY STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES! In the words of Stephen Colbert “We’re at war, pick a side!” You should be called On again Off again Valeri.

Also, please don’t let Starbuck have sex with her father figure. I really have had my fill of incest related material for the day, what with my speculation about what is going on with twincestuous mirror twins.

OH! I know what I can talk about, for those of you who didn’t want to download the glossary or appendix rtf file I attached a while back I added those as pages under fiction. So if you just hover over fiction, a menu will drop down and you can click on those at your leisure. The formatting still isn’t what I’d like, but oh well.  We can’t have it all.

AND THERE’S ANOTHER PURE SLEEP COMMERCIAL, BECAUSE THIS ECONOMY MAY BE SHIT BUT PURE SLEEP SURE IS DOING WELL. I BET THEY COULD BUY THE NATIONAL FUCKING DEBT THEY’RE MAKING SO MUCH MONEY WITH THEIR FUCKING ANIT-SNORE MOUTH GUARD.

~8:44pm

Boomer is washing her hands. Helo is getting frisky with her as she prepares to go on her deep space mission.  Is that how she was planning to escape? Helo wants to frak her? She doesn’t want to freak him. Now they’re making out. He’s getting her undressed. If I were Helo I would freak out about all the women that look like my wife. Tigh is talking about his dead baby and it’s depressing. now we’re back to the sex. Athena pushed Helo really hard so he’s undressing. his wife is all bloody in a closet. I hope she doesn’t wake up. I hope even more that she’s not dead. Don’t be dead Athena! You’re one of the good ones!

~8:46pm

Boomer is totally fucking Helo while Athena watches. Now, if Athena and Boomer were mirror twins of each other, as we know, there would be nothing wrong with this. But as it stands, this is deeply deeply wrong.

Starbuck can’t play the song right for some reason.  The piano player is helping her. He’s humming the song her father used to play. Hahahaha! Hera wrote out the song fo rher. I so fucking knew that picture was going to be important. I knew it! I KNEW IT!

If you have a retarded person, a child, a crazy person, or an animal do something weird IT IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT.

Now the song is coming in right. Hera is looking cute. Boomer just picked her up. Oh Boomer, I hate you. You child stealing fucking bitch. Oh I hate you.

~8:48pm

Starbuck is playing a frakking song while Boomer is running off with Hera. Is Tyrol running away with her? I think so. Now at what fucking point did stealing someone’s kid become okay? And where are they going exactly?

Starbuck is playing a song that is making the Cylons remember. It is all along the Watchtower. Tigh is acting with his squinty eyes again. I bet you the piano player isn’t even there. I bet you. I bet you I bet you I bet you.

He’s smiling at Kara now. Tigh just turned her around and the piano player is not there. Oh fun times.

~8:50pm

Boomer is trying to talk Tyrol into leaving with her. She says she can’t do it without him. He says they’ll meet again. Boomer wants the chief to remember that she’s a duplicitous whore. But sometimes she has feelings so that’s okay. LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! PANTS ON FIRE! SOMETHING SOMETHING TELEPHONE WIRE!

Now Helo is doing a run down of some kind of fight scenario. Athena is crawling out of the bathroom looking like hell. She told Helo that it was Boomer in the locking room. Boomer is loose and she has Hera everyone has been alerted. Oh my God I hate you Boomer. I have not words for all the hate in my heart.

~8:52pm

There has been a delay with Boomer’s flight clearance. Don’t let her leave! Don’t let her leave! I hate you forever Boomer! I hate you forever! Adama is on with Boomer.  I think he actually called her Boomer. Now Boomer is taking off. Hera is inside the box. Raptor has been engaged to fight with Boomer. She’s using Hera as a human shield. Now Roslin is depressed. They’re retracting the flight bods.  She’s trying to jump inside the ship. Adama says retract the flight pods anyway.

She’s goign for it. I think we’re going to have a narrow escape. And how powerful are the pistons that workt he Galactica flight pods? Baby Hera is in a broken ship now. Boomer just jumped near Galactica and apparently broke outer space. Galactica is all frakked up. Parts are flying off into space. Roslin is sad as shit.

~8:54pm

Did Roslin die or collapse? Tigh and Adama look sad now. We’re got a med team converging on Roslin. Tyrol is giving orders. Now the chief found out that Hera was stolen. he’s feeling bad now. Good. I hope you die now chief. I hope you die in a fire. Hera is plugged into the third faction. Kara is playing her father’s music for Anders and laying next to him.

~8:56pm

So its’ pretty definitive Starbuck is half-cylon, right? Tyrol is in the fake house again? And he’s pissed. Pissed as hell. Is he going to kill his fake kid? No, his fake kid is gone.

~8:57pm

And that’s the show folks.

So now I’m guessing the Galactica is going to go after Hera, that’s how they get near the Colony of the Cylons, that’s how the Fleets are wiped out and that’s how they both land on Earth and interbreed and start off human civilization. Then we find out that all the people on the Galactica are really us and it’s very sad.

I’m telling you folks, if you hear a child/retard/crazy/animal say something in a fantasy world you DROP WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING AND FOCUS IN BECAUSE THAT MUMBLING WILL SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

Previews for Next Week

Adama wants Helo to let go of Hera. It looks like Tyrol is getting flushed out into space. Something is going on with Starbuck and they’re halting repairs on Galactica.

Okay, everyone have fun till next week.