BSG Live Blog 5/9/08

I thought my sister was going to squeeze out my nephew today, so I was iffy on whether or not I was going to have enough moxy to write this. Thankfully, the apocalypse has been delayed for a week, so it might be next Friday’s BSG that gets the axe.

In either case, the end is near. The horsemen have picked up their various devices and are descending upon Armageddon. I suggest you make peace with whomever it is you love. Call up old enemies and reconcile. Perhaps you can huddle around your tv watch Battlestar Galactica, and warm your hands over an old burn barrel because thats something people should do when they despair. I also suggest making clothing out of potato sacks… and it wouldn’t be a bad touch if you could just smear some charcoal across your forehead. Not too much. You don’t want it to look cartoonish. Also put a doll with burn damage in your lawn. There are supposed to be a lot of those in the end times. A rusty broken down bike wouldn’t be bad either.

Oh? Time for the big nerd pronouncement? Okay. Ahem. Hold on here…. I’m trying to think of what work of sci-fi or Fantasy I haven’t referenced, that has nothing to do with Brandon Sanderson or John Hodgman. These things are getting progressively more and more difficult to write. Got it. “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Umm… prepare to be hoodwinked, jinxed, and banished from the firmament like a paint-balling accountant in the path of the Demon Crowley? Yeah, we’ll go with that. Click the colorful little button for more.

 

PRE-SHOW DEEP THOUGHT:

Did you know that renowned Atheist Philosopher Daniel Dennett looks exactly like Santa Claus? Well, I’m not saying it works for me, but if I were a believer in design I just might chalk this up to God having a pretty good sense of humor. Also, the platypus.

 

Time 8:00PM Mountain Time

And so it begins. You know when I started this tradition it felt like such a good idea to ramble on for an hour and just pump out as much text and wit as I possibly could. Now I feel like a chewed up meth junkie who keeps taking what hurts him for no other reason than habit. I brought up Daniel Dennett? Why the fuck did I do that? He has nothing to do with BSG. I have gone artistically bankrupt.

Time 8:01PM

Helo and everyone have refused to jump and Starbuck is pissed. Starbuck has been placed under arrest and accused to being a Cylon. Gaeta tried to jump so Anders shot him in the leg to defend his crazy wife. Everyone is screaming, Gaeta is crying like a woman, Starbuck decided to push her fingers inside of his wound for some reason that doesn’t seem to make any sense and has now injected him. Fantastic. Apparently they have now forgotten about arresting Starbuck.

Time 8:04PM

Starbuck is going to jump to the base ship in the Raptor with Anders and Athena. She’s going to let everyone on Shit Force #1 to go home. Helo has agreed to stand by and wait for Starbuck in Shit Force #1 in case she gets in trouble.

Time 8:05PM

Intro song and a commercial. You know I googled and found other live blogs of BSG? There were like 4 entries. What the fuck is that shit? I start typing when the show starts and I don’t stop till its over. And maybe sometimes it’s hard for me to get a joke in, but you know what? I fucking try. Not like those four entries per show dipshits… who probably have families… or steady jobs to contend with… or close friends….

I bet Daniel Dennett dresses up in a monochromatic jump suit for Christmas, gathers his grandchildren around a bare aluminum pole, and gives them tools for. Then he tells them stories about how the Universe is a cold and horrible place, and that he only loves them because it is an evolutionary imperative. After this, Daniel Dennett scolds the children for crying as it is a waste of nutrients.

Time 8:09PM

Awww no! Roslin is Lex Luthor bald. Completely, cue-ball bald, and now I feel like shit for making fun of her wig earlier. Now she’s crying. Well fuck, just twist the knife BSG writers. Just stick it in my spine and twist.

Time 8:10PM

Leobon is in the raptor with Athena and is talking up a load of shit. I feel he should have saved the shit for the waste treatment vessel. And some random lesbian got on the raptor to join up. Anders is giving his whole jealous vibrator look to Leobon again. If they buzz loudly when they fight that would really really be a pick me up.

Time 8:12PM

Cylon ships blown all to hell. Gaeta is in bed with a shot up leg telling people not to frak with him about his chances. God I have always wanted to lay dying, with a cigarette in my mouth, and tell people not to frak with me. Then I’ll send them on, probably holding a gun or a grenade, and buy them the precious moments they need to make it to safety. And the only acknowledgment I’ll need is someone looking hesitantly over their shoulder for just a second before I scream “go on!” That’s the best way to go.

Time 8:14PM

Kara is having “feelings” about the Cylon wrecking yard being the right place. She wants to go to a base star that looks like a comet she painted on her wall a long time ago. She has such crazy laughter. Also, their raptor was just hit by some debris. I love debris, especially when they fly through it after an explosion and their ship is undamaged. Just because the ship you’ve blown up is on fire, doesn’t mean you can fly through the fire and not wreck your space ship.

Time 8:16PM

Commercial. I would like to apologize to Daniel Dennett for purposefully misstating his positions as an atheist. I needed a joke and I took one from wherever I could find one, and for that I apologize. Mr. Dennett, you do whatever you need to do. *slides gun across a metal table

I won’t make a fuss *turns and faces wall

Just don’t shoot me in the face. Mom will want an open casket funeral.

Time 8:18PM

Kara slammed her head against a console and her skull is cracked open. The raptor has docked in some cylon goo. All the Athena models have come to talk to the real Athena. They want her to lead a mutiny. She’s telling them to stick to their side and get the hell out of her way. I like that Cylon gal, even if she does have a sideways vagina.

Time 8:20PM

President Roslin is giving consolation to a dying woman while Baltar reads Shakespeare over the wireless. The woman has demanded to be left alone now that Roslin has insulted Baltar.

Time 8:21PM

Leobon is arguing with the six about letting Starbuck see the hybrid. Leobon won. Athena is now figuring out how to jump the ship by taking the hybrid off-line. Anders is contemplating putting his hand in the cylon control water pool. He’s going for it. Damn it! He had to pull out. Okay, he’s staying behind so he may get lucky.

Time 8:24PM

Six is talking to the random lesbian about how she once killed her on New Caprica. Anders has come to her defense. Random lesbian is now dead. I knew she was nothing but a stand in red shirt. Anders now wants to blow Six’s head off. Starbuck wants to let it slide because she needs to see the Hybrid. Six is crying about how it really hurt her feelings when the random lesbian killed her. Now one six is going to kill the murdering six because she… YES!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!!!!!!

FUCKING GOD YES! THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN BECAUSE TWO SIXES HAVE JUST KISSED EACH OTHER! I FUCKING LOVE BSG!

Now six killed the murdering six. Totally worth it. That was awesome. Let’s just hope this trend carries on.

Time 8:28PM

Angry Baltar loving lady is apologizing to Roslin and is giving her a gift of a new handkerchief to tie around her head. Roslin is making a joke about having blue hair. Oh you damned optimist. Now she’s having a quiet moment with the dying woman about coming to terms with her death.

Time 8:29PM

Commercial. You know what I hate? Guys that look like Jesus. Because obviously they’ve seen their own reflections, and they’ve obviously seen pictures of Jesus. Do you honestly expect me to believe you’ve never made the connection. Cut your god damn hair, shave that fucking bear and wear some form fitting fucking clothing.

Listen, I look like Shrek. So you know what I do? I keep my hair longer and I don’t wear vests with plaid pants. It’s that simple. Stop crying out for attention. Assholes.

Time 8:33PM

Leobon, a Six, and Starbuck are all with the Hybrid. The Hybrid is talking a bunch of random shit.

Back in the hospital. I just realized the angry cancer lady is Commander Keira from DS9. She’s telling Roslin about a dream she had about seeing some dead people. Now she’s giving Roslin hope that there’s something after death, and that maybe, just maybe there is a God. Keira is sure there is a God, and Roslin is trying to rationalize it as a dream.

Magical power we can’t understand…. blah blah blah.

Time 8:36PM

Back with the Hybrid who is talking nonsense again. Leobon is telling Kara to simply “absorb” the Hybrid’s words.

Back on Shit Force #1 Helo is pacing back and forth dramatically as poor Gaeta dies. Damn if only it were possible to… I don’t know JUMP TO FUCKING GALACTICA DROP OFF GAETA AND JUMP BACK!

Back to the Base Ship. The Hybrid is about to be disconnected. She’s screaming very loudly. A metal cylon just shot a number three. The Hybrid keeps screaming. She’s now stopped screaming. The Hybrid has told Kara that she is the harbinger of death… and some other stuff I didn’t catch because I am typing all this nonsense.

Time 8:40PM

Keira is arguing with Roslin about whether or not the God of the cylons can be the god of humans too. Now Keira is questioning the Lords of Kobol. Roslin says the Lords of Kobol are metaphors. Keira doesn’t need metaphors she needs answers.

Roslin is talking about how her mother died. Her mother was also a teacher, and now I can’t understand her because her voice has gone all quavery. Also, Roslin changed her mother’s diaper and fears that when she died there were no Elysium fields laid out before her only a black abyss. God, maybe I was psychic with that Dennett reference earlier. Then again, it was probably just coincidence.

More comfort words from Keira… and now Keria is thrashing and having to be stabbed with pain killers, but she refuses to let go of Roslin’s hand. Keira is passed out, Roslin is crying, looking very nun-like, and has just planted one on Keira’s cheek. Wait’ll she beams out and they reveal that the whole BSG saga is happening inside the Star Trek universe.

Time 8:44PM

Commercial. You know how every three or four years they add another blade to your shaving razors? If I made a razor I would blow the lid off this escalation by adding TWO razors at the next leap, thereby under-cutting my competitors who would be one blade deficient.

Time 8:487PM

Back on the base ship. People are debating on whether or not the Sharon can see them. Sharon is asking for Athena’s forgiveness. I think I saw some fingers glow red but I’m not sure. Anders is having a moment with the dying cylon too, and has now done the eye closing thing. Remember folks, it’s your pointer finger and your ring finger. You don’t want to have fingers at weird angles because that ruins the whole solemnity of the moment.

They’re going to unbox Lucy Lawless to find out who the Final Five are. At least that’s what I think is going on.

Time 8:50PM

Roslin is having a vision with Keira on the river she was talking about earlier, and she sees Keira running off to be with her family and such. It’s a very peaceful place, and if Im not mistaken she’s going to feel the presence of a loving God shortly. Also, it looks like she sees her own family on the shore-line including a very old woman. If I die an old man and I have to stay that way, I am going to be fucking pissed.

Roslin is wearing one of those magnetic bracelets you get in the back of magazines about Atlantis. Roslin has woken up and Keira’s dead.

The Demetrius is still waiting for the base-ship to show up and are now prepping for launch.

Helo is saying “come on,” over and over again. We’re running down to the last few seconds… come on Base ship…. come on base ship…. time’s up. No base ship. The board is green, Helo’s pissed. Okay, it took them an extra ten seconds but they got there.

Helo said it was good to hear Athena’s voice which is what you say in the military when you can’t tell someone that you love them. You say “it’s good to hear your voice.”

Time 8:55PM

Roslin has come to talk to Adama about her new found belief in the religion of Baltar. She’s now discussing the supernatural with Adama who has been sensing strange goings on in the fleet as well. Roslin and Adama need to have sex. I know it’s gross. I know I’m weird for saying that, but I need you to understand. I don’t WANT to see it. I NEED to see it.

And now the shows over.

Time 8:56PM

Commercial. We’re just waiting on the scenes from next week now. Another week. Another scrap in the dust. I’m still swinging. I can’t be brought down. Do you hear me? You keep making episodes I’ll keep describing them. Because that’s what I fucking do.

Time 8:58PM

Athena talks to her child who is drawing pictures of the different models. her chidl goes to see the model six, Athena pulls a gun on her, and we are once again promised that all will be revealed.

See you next week folks… maybe I can use this as an excuse to get out of having to be around my sister when she’s giving birth. We can hope.