BSG Live-Blog 6/13/08 “Revelations”

Guess what happens today? Well, probably a bunch of really important things are happening today like babies being born, people getting murdered, and their murderers getting married, but for the purposes of this entry we shall say that: The mid-season finale of BSG airs this night, and I won’t have to (voluntarily) do this again for seven months!

However, do not worry. I already have a very exciting project planned that will fill the Friday time slot and ensure that everyone has something interesting to read, since for some reason beyond my control I have a readership. I will now announce that project, so you can send me angry e-mails if I “pussy out.”

For the past couple of months I’ve been working on an adventure book, which will consist of 21 chapters. It takes place in the real world, with real people, and there’s no magic so no one freak out. It does however deal with the idea of people being “heroes” even if they don’t have powers. I have extensively plotted and outlined the whole book, and already have four of the chapters written. I’ve been cranking out chapters at a rate of about one a half a week in between writing other entries, so everything is looking good. God damn are my fingers tired.

I wanted to create a buffer so I would have time to do exhaustive edits of chapters in between posting. I’ve written fiction before for my own private enjoyment, and quite long fiction at that, but this will have a more campy exciting vibe to it that everyone should be able to enjoy. Why am I not submitting this to a publisher or an agent? The reason is very simple: I have incredibly low self-esteem. So you will get to enjoy a free book.

Also, Violent Acres yelled at me for a really long time the other day, so I should have a new piece going up on her site in a few days. Unless she got mad at me and changed her mind. She’s very tempestuous. If she reads this for example, I have no doubt I will be scolded for it.

Now prepare to have BSG sneak up on you like a John Hodgman joke, take you by complete surprise, and leave you in a state of shocked wonder that anything could be so subtle.

PRE-SHOW SPOILER:

I have actually already watched tonight’s episode twice, while it was streaming on scifi.com.

I will now tell you what the ending is not.

The ending of the mid-season finale does not (I repeat: does NOT) involve Captain Adama barging into my room whilst I am live-blogging BSG, asking me what the “frak” is going on with Earth, why the “frak” have I been writing about his life, and just why the “frakking frak” have I been misspelling the names of so many characters? Nor does Captain Adama admonish me for being a loser who live-blogs Battlestar Galactica.

While I understand that this was unlikely, I am still disappointed.

8:00PM Mountain Time~

Some part of me hopes that there was an entire fake episode broadcast on scifi.com today, and that this episode will be totally different. Not because tonight’s episode is bad, but just because I enjoy the occasional mind fuck.

We’re recapping all the episodes, and I’m looking back at all those live-blogs with a bitter sweet smile. Did you know I once thought that live-blogging would be the ultimate no effort cop out entry? Oh Lord, how wrong I was. I’m going to enjoy this vacation.

Recap of the no Roslyn kiss episode from last week. Why can’t they make the mouth magic happen? My heart is broken over this.

Time 8:02PM~

Kara and Apollo are flirting somewhat. Kara is remarkably uncrazy, and she’s going to talk about how parents have to die for children to reach their potential. It’s so much easier to just know what’s going to happen and structure my jokes around that.

See? Bam. She just said it. I didn’t have to do that on the fly.

Okay, D’Anna just announced that their are only four Cylons in the Colonial Fleet. Which substantiates my idea that the last Cylon has to be someone we’ve never met before who lives on Earth.

Time 8:03PM~

The Centurions just pulled guns on the humans. Remember when the hybrid looked over at them and said “Won’t be long before they turn on us?” I do. I think that’s going to be a major problem in the second half of this season, and will ultimately drive the humans and cylons together.

Time 8:04PM~

Roslyn told Adama to blow the ship to hell if the Cylons get ahold of the Colonial Four. Gaeta is being all pissy about having one leg and having to reach for objects on the ground. He should take Tigh’s eye-patch and get a parrot. There are two archetypes which become exponentially more awesome in space. That is a space pirate, and a space cowboy. BSG could use several of these.

Time 8:05PM~

D’Anna is getting off a raptor with Adama and all of the Colonial Four Cylons are there waiting to be outed like Lance Bass with a tabloid. In the interest of full disclosure: Lucy Lawless got me through puberty.

Time 8:06PM~

D’Anna wants the Final Four Colonial Cylons, and then skip away to Earth without the humans. Tori is about to jump on the raptor with D’Anna under the excuse of helping Roslyn with her cancer. God she is such a horrible bitchy Cylon. I hope she gets killed off before the end of this season. She killed Callie. Poor farmer faced Callie who looked like an amazing first grade teacher, who was only mildly racist. You broke my heart Tori!

Time 8:08PM~

Lee is letting everyone know that they need to blow the Base Star to hell if they lose the Final Four Cylons. Tigh is having identity issues. Wait until he tattles on himself. It is so amazing.

Time 8:09PM~

Commercial.

Where did we leave off with the John Hodgman detective story? I don’t remember.

Anyhow, John Hodgman is talking heatedly with a mob lord who abducted he and partner Jonathan Coulton off the street, demanding to know where the little girl is being held. The mob boss says “Some things… no man should no.”

John Hodgman then sees a goon encroaching on him by glimpsing a reflection in a cup of coffee. In ninja fashion, John Hodgman propels himself into a handstand, grabs the goon by the neck using only his ankles and snaps his neck.

Then Detective Hodgman pulls out Mjolnir and puts it to the side of the mob lords face, and shouts “Where is she? This ends now!”

Then he strikes a match on his own cheek, lights a cigarette, and growls.

The rookie Jonathan Coulton is deeply impressed.

Now, you tell me, does that read like it was written in two minutes? Because it totally was.

Time 8:13PM~

Athena and company are laying out a rescue plan to save the humans held hostage on the Base Star. It’s all pretty hopeless unless the Final Four give themselves up. I wonder if they will. D’Anna introduces Tori as one of the Final Five. I can’t wait to find out how the whole split was orchestrated. My guess is that some of the Cylons followed the coherent Hybrid faction (the guy who was in Razor) and the divine plan of that faction which has yet to be revealed, and the others were just atheist assholes like Cavil.

Baltar just thanked Roslyn for not murdering him. Roslyn is about to find out that Tori is a cylon, although Tori will be kind enough to give Roslyn her medication. She’s not even kind enough to be a complete hatable bitch. She has to be just nice enough to lead you on with false hope.

Time 8:16PM~

Tori is taunting Roslyn about having no idea about her Cylonhood. Roslyn is pleading with Tori to argue on behalf of humans with the Base Star Cylons. Tori said she’s done taking orders from Roslyn. What a nasty evil bitch.

D’Anna just shoved someone out an airlock. I would put up a struggle so I could at least be shot in the face. Getting shoved out an air lock is just rude.

Time 8:17PM~

Lee has just given Adma the go ahead for the rescue mission, which is essentially an order to end humanity. Tigh is giving a very intense look. Wait for it folks. It’s going to be amazing.

The Fleet Four are hearing a signal from Earth, and are about to go ape shit trying to figure out what it is. Now Tigh, Anders, and Tyrol are all hanging around Kara’s miracle viper trying to locate the signal.

Tyrol has become an amazing curmudgeon character, although all the actors are amazing, he stands out. In fact, I think he would make an excellent space pirate.

Time 8:20PM~

It’s going down folks! We’re about to hear the Cylon confession.

Tigh is going to do that thing where he very subtly moves his cheeks with emotion. I love it when he does that shit. I’ve never seen a man convey so much emotion with just the upper sixth of his cheek muscles.

Tigh is reminding Adama of the music he heard back at the Nebula. He confessed to being “switched on.” Adama just took off his glasses, and is doing that grating voice thing he does so well. Now they’re pointing out all the stuff about how Tigh can’t possibly be a Cylon because he’s aged. Okay, Tigh’s dead wife was a model six. I’m almost sure of it.

Adama is going through all the fan theories about why Tigh can’t be a Cylon, and now Tigh is debunking all of those as well. Tigh has a crazy-eyed liberated look, and now Adama is doing the cheek twinge. Fuck I need to learn that cheek twinge.

Time 8:24PM~

Commercial.

The mob boss begins crying, telling Hodgman that the kidnapper has also taken his daughter and that if he says what he knows he’ll send her fingers back one at a time. Hodgman relents, snorts in disgust and walks out the door. Coulton follows like a lap dog nipping at his heels.

“What’s our next move, Hodgman?”

“Our next move? We don’t have a next move. You’re going to go back to the base. Forget about this. This goes all the way to the top.”

“What are you going to do?”

Hodgman does some cool gun thing that involves loading a bullet, before hissing “What needs doing.”

He leaves a frightened Coulton standing on the sidewalk as he steals a car from a cab driver and takes off toward down town.

Time 8:26PM~

Adama just screamed. God that man really knows how to lose his shit. I would love to lose my shit like that. Tigh just looks liberated as he’s being led to the air lock. Adama punched a mirror and downed a manly amount of alcohol. He’s weeping like a baby in Lee’s arms. Lee is consoling him, telling him that no could have known. Fucking Lord I love you Edward James Olmos! In the same way that Gene Kelly was the only man who could dance and make me think he could beat the shit out of me, you’re the only man who can cry and make me feel in awe of your manliness at the same time.

Adama is crying that he can’t kill Tigh. Lee kissed Adama’s forehead. I LOVE YOU BSG! So fucking good. I don’t even care about how badly this lap top is frying my nuts. I need to Adama cry. I have a lot of pent up emotion.

Time 8:29PM~

Lee is doing the hard-ass thing in the airlock, telling D’Anna not to frak with him because he has Tigh by the balls. D’Anna looks very unhappy. Lee just asked Tigh for the others.

Time 8:30PM~

Anders, Tyrol, and Kara are all walking around the miracle ship, talking to her about trust. The Space Marines just came in to take Tyrol and Anders into custody for being Cylons. Kara’s mind has been totally frakked. She wants to know if it’s true. No one begrudgingly confesses that something is true like an actor on Battlestar Galactica. Anders tells Kara to find the secret of the Viper. Kara is pretty freaked out.

Time 8:32PM~

Anders and Tyrol have joined Tigh in the airlock. Lee is dialing the Base Ship again, as Kara gets into the cock pit of the miracle viper. Roslyn and Baltar are getting a talk from Leobon about how D’Anna is going nuts. Baltar has agreed to try to talk sense to her.

Lee has thrown his cards on the table that he has three of the Fleet Four. Tori is advising D’Anna to press Lee. What a fucking bitch. I’m sorry, she may be a nice lady in real life, but she plays an absolute bitch on this show.

Time 8:34PM~

Kara has turned on her instruments and seems to be picking up a slight signal on her viper’s instruments. Baltar has just used the phrase “A tinker’s damn” which is pretty awesome when you say it aloud. Base Ship nukes just went hot.

Lee is putting Tigh in the tube all by himself, Tyrol is giving some really awesome man looks. He’s about to do a man nod to Tigh as the hatch closes on the air lock.

Yup. He just man nodded. Christ that was good.

Time 8:36PM~

Baltar is talking D’Anna out of firing. Lee has just asked for the key to kill Tigh. Kara is running toward him to tell him about the signal. Why can’t I have an urgent message to deliver? I would be shouting and knocking people the fuck over. I would be awesome at that job.

Tigh is ordering Lee to send him into a vacuum while using cheek lingo. How can one man be such a good actor?

Time 8:37PM~

Commercial.

Hodgman arrives at city hall and shoots the receptionist after a long battle in which he has to use his gun to deflect multiple sword attacks. He finally gets her after he shoots her sword in half.

He takes the elevator to the top story, and people cower in their offices as though death is striding down the hallway with his sickle. Hodgman kicks over a door marked “Mayor” and sees a man with two small girls on either side of him playing Cat’s cradle.

“Ah hello, Detective Hodgman. I’ve been expecting you.”

The mayor puts a knife to the throats of one of the little girl. “You’ll never kill them. You need their stem cells to cure your cancer. They’re no good to you dead.”

“I have other children. I have spread my seed wide in this city.”

“Wide enough that my bullet won’t smear your brains all over the walls?”

“That didn’t really make any sense.”

“I know, but I’m under serious time constraints to come up with this, so fuck off and give me the girl!”

Time 8:41PM~

The signal in the ship is an emergency colonial locater signal. Starbuck is laying out all the facts for Lee. I can’t wait to see members of the third faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar.

Time 8:42PM~

D’Anna is meeting with Lee, so Lee can tell her the location of Earth which is what fate seems to want. The Fleet Four are all in agreement that the signal is the way to Earth. Lee is seeking peace with the Cylons, talking about change. What a secret Arab terrorist Lee has turned out to be. Now he and D’Anna are about to terrorist fist jab and lead humanity into the Apocalypse because Lee is actually the anti-Christ.

Time 8:44PM~

We have a terrorist fist jab. Lee has pointed to Earth on a star map, as Adama looks depressed in a brown robe. His man sadness provides me with endless pleasure. Even Roslyn can’t totally console him. They’re all talking to him like he’s a child. He can only speak in man whispers. Roslyn is building up his confidence again, standing by her man and all that. Why can’t I have a kiss BSG writers? I have sci-fi blue balls waiting to see Adama’s wrinkled old ass pounding into Roslyn.

Time 8:46PM~

Roslyn is telling Lee that he did a “heckuva job” and that the fleet will need him again. Adama has been put on his uniform again, and is speaking in slightly louder man whispers. Adama is all full speed ahead now. In a way I miss his man tears. They were a nutrient I did not know I needed until he gave them to me.

Time 8:47PM~

Hodgman shoots the girl that the mayor is holding through the neck, and innocent little Susie shrieks in horror. Only… strangely there is no blood. Only a shower of sparks and metal. The second girl was a robot!

The mayor stares in confusion. “How… what is going on?”

“You never saw it coming did you? You thought I would have to resolve this situation in a sensible way based on what had been written before. You never imagined I could just totally pull something out of my ass and make the girl you were holding hostage a robot.”

“Are you going to kill me now?”

Hodgman grabs the Mayor by the collar and slams him against a window, throwing cuffs around his wrists.

“God knows I should, but I still have another commercial break to work through, and I need to save something for later. Come on! We’re going down town!”

“But we are down town!”

“Police HQ down town, you smart ass!”

Time 8:50PM~

The fleet is heading toward a yellow star, music is playing that’s very soothing and non-ethnic. Adama is about to let Roslyn order the final jump to Earth. God my heart is breaking. Now Roslyn is crying. Come on, I know I saw this before, but kiss him this time as you jump to Earth. Please do that for me. Please? I’m so alone. It’s all I want in life.

Time 8:52PM~

The fleet just jumped to Earth! Gaeta is confirming their position. Constellations are a match! No one can believe it. The fleet is hovering over Earth. Adama is making an announcement over the Wireless. Even the sex cult people look reasonable and happy. Adama admits that he has had doubts about ever reaching Earth. Just wait until the metal heads turn on you, Adama. Then you’ll have to get your man tears on again.

Everyone is happy. The lazy engineer that pisses Tyrol off all the time has just been kissed. Tyrol is reflecting with his baby. All the pilots are gushing. Helo just kissed his wife.

Time 8:54PM~

Baltar is thanking the Lord. Tight is staring at a bottle of ambrosia. Kara is looking at the wall of dead people. Beautiful music is playing. Does anyone know the name of this song? I want it. Adama and Lee are embracing.

Time 8:55PM~

Ships are heading off to look at the surface. No one is alive on the surface. Adama is picking up Earth that looks like coffee grounds. Earth is looking gray and gloomy. I know, I know, just wait until the God-like people who orchestrated all of this show up. We’ll see some changes. But for right now it looks like the 13th tribe killed themselves off.

My guess is that the God like people who are responsible for Head Six come and change all of this. We’ll see. Also we need a metal head rebellion in here somewhere. Those are my predictions at least.

Time 8:57PM~

Yup, the 13th tribe really killed themselves off pretty well. Doesn’t look like they’re going to show up any time soon, but I wonder if survivors don’t exist somewhere on the planet.

Previews:

Burning bible. Final Revelation has been promised. Someone is the fifth. I’m so excited.

Time 8:58PM~

Commercial

Hodgman throws the Mayor into a jail cell.

“Aren’t you going to kill me?”

“No, I only have a short commercial break and it would take too long to explain. Besides, I’m very hungry, and my nuts are kind of burning.”

“Oh.”

It’s been a great ride folks. I’ll see you all again in seven months!

Come back next Friday for Chapter One of “Gray Bolt Ascending!”