BSG Live-Blog 6/6/08 “The Hub”

Well folks, here we are again… again. Another Sci-Fi Friday, another BSG Live-Blog. Only this time, we’re going to power through! You and me together! No weird existential thoughts, no questioning the meaning of life, no excuses! And… and … ah fuck it! Let’s just get this over with and do a decent job of analyzing the episode.

In other news, I’ve been working on several projects as of late that you should see coming out over the next few weeks. In the event that I prove to be a complete pussy who is incapable of finishing tasks on self-given deadlines you will not see them nor will I ever give you an update on their status, or in fact mention what they are until they are completed. In which case you will have to wait and create wild theories as to what they could possibly be. Then you will have to be sorely disappointed when I do announce them and they turn out to be completely underwhelming.

Also, since people are asking me real questions that I have to do a modicum of research for, the Voice of Inexperience will be bi-weekly. Also also (not a grammar mistake), I got up at the crack of fuck this morning to stop a fight over the use of the Nintendo gaming system, so I am somewhat groggy. You will however be happy to know that I used Solomon like bargaining skills to reach an outcome that was favorable to all parties involved.

In any case, prepare to be jettisoned into fantastical future dimensions where you can float in space like a Cylon in need of a good airlock! That’s right, I said it. The only good Cylon is a dead Cylon.

PRE-SHOW DEEP THOUGHT:

If John Hodgman was a Detective and Rob Riggle was his direct superior, they would never slam one another up against lockers for getting too close to a case. Rather, they would sit down across from one another at opposing sides of a desk and discuss their problems like rational human beings with great respect for one another, and never lose objectivity.

It is of course also obvious that if John Hodgman were a detective he would wear the same tweed outfit he wears currently, with a pistol holster on under his jacket and small single shot revolver around his ankle that he would use only in times of great duress. It also goes without saying that the nickel-plated cannon he wears in his under arm holster would be named “Mjolnir.” It is also obvious, that John Hodgman’s nickname on the street would be “La Mosca” and that criminals would tremble at the sound of his name.

Time 8:00PM~

Every time I have to sit with my lap top on my actual lap for more than two hours I can feel a deep hard throbbing in my testicles. I just want you to know this, because in the event that I get testicular cancer, I am blaming the BSG live-blog.

Recaps, let’s get the final five a la the resurrection hub, Roslin and Baltar jumping away. Fun times, looking at the debris of the Hub battle. Adama sitting all alone in his little Raptor.

Time 8:01PM~

We’re on the Base Star again, right before it jumped. Roslin is having the Hybrid brought on-line. Baltar got a hair cut. I hadn’t realized that till just now he’s looking very dapper.

Okay, vision time. They jumped and Roslin is on board Galactica talking to Elosha (BSG’s version of a high class Mistress Cleo). But it only lasted a brief while, and then we came out of the vision. Okay, jumped again.

Elosha and Roslin are walking around an empty Galactica, marveling at the quiet, and now beholding a future version of Roslin dying on her bed.

Cut to the opener we have 39,673 survivors, and still no Ranchero music.

Time 8:04PM~

Commercial.

In the universe where John Hodgman is a detective, Jonathan Coulton is his wise-cracking rookie partner who secretly aspires to musical stardom. Hodgman’s taciturn frown when Coulton talks during stake-outs inspire Coulton to tease the too professional Hodgman. Hodgman then let’s Coulton no that being a detective isn’t a job, it’s a way of life. That he has to learn to see what other people can’t see, that he has to understand his own biases, and give his whole life over to observation.

After giving this speech Coulton then points at something over Hodgman’s shoulder that is important to the case, allowing the audience a chance to laugh at the irony.

Time 8:08PM~

The Base Star continues to jump. The Hybrid is rambling. Baltar thinks the Hybrid wants to fuck him. The Base Star jumped away because the Six named Natalie has been killed. The Hybrid can’t be unplugged now because she’s wired herself into life support. Baltar is trying to soothe the Hybrid with cunnilingus.

Back on vision Galactica. Lee, Starbuck, and Elosha are watching Roslin die. Elosha is guilt tripping Roslin about being President and being distant from other people. I’m sorry vision Elosha, Roslin has a job to do and you can go fuck yourself.

Time 8:11PM~

Back on the Base Star, the Hybrid is traveling to the Resurrection Ship. All the humans on the Base Star are remarkably calm considering that they’ve been separated from their entire race.

Helo wants to jump in to the Hub battle cold so the Cylons can’t detect their electronics. It’s a crazy plan according to Helo, but I have a feeling that’s why it’ll work. Athena (correction: not Athena) is giving Helo a massage. Turns out that some model eight downloaded Athena’s memories just to be a whore. Jesus Christ! Can this model PICK A FUCKING SIDE TO BE ON.

Not to confuse people however, this episode kicks ass so far.

Time 8:13PM~

Helo is now talking to Roslin, who is staring off into space. Helo is talking about how risky the mission is, Roslin says they must take the chance. I don’t understand this… can’t Cylons build a new Resurrection Hub? Roslin wants to know who the Final Five are, but keep the Cylons out of the discussion.

Time 8:15PM~

We’re at the Resurrection Hub. Diana has just been woken up by the Cavil group. Diana wants to know what the hell is going on. Cavil has informed her of the Civil War.

Diana just accused 8’s of only being loyal until they see something shiny. I concur.

Time 8:16PM~

Commercial.

One time Detective Hodgman had a bad guy pinned down on a roof, and had a clear opportunity to shoot him dead. Only he decided after much internal conflict that he was too good to do something like that. He half turned his back, but saw the bad guy reaching for a weapon and quick drew “Mjolnir” and shot the bad guy right between the eyes.

Also, I just saw a Mac Ad featuring Hodgman singing a country song. The man is ubiquitous.

Time 8:19PM~

Helo and Athena are debriefing all the pilots on what their jobs are. Cylons and humans are being pissed at each other. Helo’s plan requires humans and cylons to trust one another, and people aren’t going for it. The eight who downloaded Athena is reminding everyone that she downloaded Athena. All of the model Sixes are looking damn good. Cylon hair products are clearly amazing.

Time 8:22PM~

Baltar and Roslin are trying to talk to the Hybrid. Roslin is talking to the Hybrid about her visions and protecting Athena’s child. Baltar is arguing about who can interpret the Hybrid best. Very religious connotations. The Hybrid is jumping again, it knows that Diana has been brought back on-line.

Roslin wants to know why she’s back on vision Galactica. Elosha says the soul and spirit of humanity is going to die if Roslin dies. Adama is reading to Roslin, and I’m a little bit misty. The story was about a Cylon saving a human’s life. Possibly prophetic.

Time 8:25PM~

Baltar is talking to the metallic Cylons about how he’s being oppressed. Seriously, who does he think he’s helping? Does he just enjoy inciting revolt?

Roslin and Helo are talking. Helo doesn’t think it’s right to keep the identities of the Final Five from the Cylons. Roslin is very sick, and wants to keep the location of Earth secret. Roslin says Helo is not married to the production line of model eights. That was some pretty good dialogue.

I’m so happy. BSG is back!

Time 8:27PM~

Commercial.

Every night before he falls asleep, Detective Hodgman stares at a wall in his bedroom covered with newspaper clippings and photographs connected by bits of yarn. If only he can understand the pattern that connects them all together he’ll be able to save the little girl who was kidnapped six weeks ago.

Who is Mr. Balazar? Why is his law firm hiding the identity of the man that kidnapped Little Susie? Who is the man with the fingerless red gloves?

These are the questions Detective Hodgman asks himself before sleep takes him.

Time 8:31PM~

Back at the Hub. Diana appears to be having visions. Cavil wants Diana to end the war, Diana wants to tell him the names of the Final Five but Cavil refuses to ask.

People are calling Cylons frakking bastards and going in for the attack. Diana says the inhibition has been lifted and that she can sense it. Cavil believes that the other Cylons have gone insane. Diana just broke Cavil’s neck. Did you know that I was only ever attracted to Xena and not attracted to Lucy Lawless?

Time 8:33PM~

The FTL Drives have been taken out on the Hub. Baltar is inciting the robot Cylons into rebellion. Why? Why? But it’s okay, because this episode is still good.

Okay, we’re in the Resurrection Hub, Helo’s walking around with an eight. Lucy has a bathrobe on, looking good. Helo has grabbed her and ordered her to run. Pike the kid who we saw dead last week just got killed by trying to jump back to Galactica.

Time 8:35PM~

The Resurrection Hub is getting heavily damaged. Helo is lookign with regret at the thousands of Cylon models that are being destroyed.

Gaius is still working on the robot cylons to get them to rebel. Maybe he’s trying to put himself in a position of power?

Our Base Star keeps getting pounded, a bulk head just blew up near Baltar but Baltar has survived. He’s losing blood, apparently he has sustained some kind of puncture wound. Roslin is carrying him out. Could he actually die? That’s such an exciting idea. Roslin is now tending his wounds.

Time 8:37PM~

Roslin has pulled out some kind of needle and stabbed Baltar with it. She’s fixing the “bit hole in his hide.” Baltar keeps thanking her, and is now flirting with Roslin trying to get some. Baltar knows God, therefore he knows himself, and knows his guilt. I think he’s about to tell Roslin about his guilt. Nope, he’s talking about how God transformed his guilt.

Roslin is pressing him to admit his guilt. Which he just did. He confessed to giving the cylons the access codes. He talks about his guilt and how God embraced him and loved him and rewarded him. Roslin is crying over Baltar. Baltar says he was like the Flood.

Time 8:40PM~

Roslin is shaking with anger as Baltar talks about how God made everyone all perfect and how he is guiltless over killing all of humanity. He has invited Roslin to pray with him. I hope Roslin stabs him in the heart. Nope, I think she’s just going to let him bleed out. Is she having a moral crisis here? She’s ripped off Baltar’s bandage even as he pleads with her not to do it.

God this episode is kicking ass.

Time 8:42PM~

Commercial.

Detective Hodgman has been slammed up against a wall by Captain Riggle. Rookie Coulton is trying to talk both of them down. Because you see, Detective Hodgman can’t be objective anymore. He’s tired of it. He wants to find that weasel and make him fess up no matter that he can’t get a warrant. All he sees when he goes to sleep is that little girl.

Time 8:50PM~

My computer shut down. Explanation to follow.

The President tried to save Baltar, the Hub has been blown up, Elosha guilt tripped Roslin for trying to let Baltar bleed to death.

Diana is speaking with Roslin. Roslin just asked about the Final Five, and how they’re supposed to know the way to Earth. Diana just told Roslin that she’s one of the Final Five. Okay, but now she’s laughing. Diana has refused to give names until she knows she’s safe. She’s mortal now so she has to worry about her safety.

Diana is bitching about how horrible deception is.

Time 8:53PM~

Roslin is smiling over the Hybrid. Elosha is talking to Roslin about how saving Baltar’s life doesn’t save the life of humanity. Roslin considers Galactica to be her home. Roslin thinks there is something there for her. I hope she fucks the shit out of Adama soon. I know that’s gross, but I need to see it.

Time 8:54PM~

Adama is napping in his little ship, the Base Star just jumped back and he’s all happy and excited, only he’s Edward James Olmos so even that looks really sad and makes you want to cry because of how sweet it is. Because he wants her to be alive so bad, and he can’t quite believe it.

Okay, he sees her. And he can’t even smile he’s so happy. We’ve got kiss tension. Adama said “missed you” we’ve got a “me too” and a hug. Please kiss. Please. Do it. Roslin told Adama that she loves him. Make the lip magic happen. Adama said about time. We’ve got a cheek kiss. Come on. STOP HUGGING!

Fuck me running.

Time 8:56PM~

We ended without a kiss.

Anyhow, I put a bunch of legal pads under my lap top because my nuts were throbbing. This blocked the fan and caused my computer to overheat, forcing me to wait a minute for it to cool down so I could reboot. You’ll be happy to know my nuts are throbbing again because I had to get rid of the legal pads.

It’s okay though. We all know I was never going to have children. My only regret is I didn’t get to finish the amazing John Hodgman detective story, but there is always next week.

Previews for next Week

Tigh confesses to being a Cylon. It looks like everyone comes out as being Cylons. I am so happy! It’s like the past three or four episodes were just all the fat in the season being discarded so that everything else could be good again.

I AM SO HAPPY BUT PLEASE CAN ROSLIN AND ADAMA FUCK EACH OTHER’S BRAINS OUT? PLEASE GOD LET THIS HAPPEN!