BSG Live-Blogging

When I view my web statistics I am always somewhat taken aback by the views my BSG Live Blogs receive, so much so that my mouth twists in disgust. Despite all my intuitions to the contrary, despite all my hopes for mankind, and despite all my attempts at obfuscation… people actually seem to be reading them. I know. If you have to sit down a minute, please do. Needless to say, it shocked the hell out of me.

While on one hand, I am happy for myself as a writer, I find I am ultimately disappointed for humanity as a whole. Yet despite the feeling that I am pushing a sort of potent narcotic on a particular kind of person (i.e. nerd) with no natural resistance, I am going to continue the tradition this week. I know… I know… but there’s nothing to be done. (raises shaky hand to face, wipes eyes, and sniffs, puffing out chest in a declaration that no matter how hard things get I will continue onward).

Also, I promise to keep John Hodgman references to a minimum, except for this reference referencing the fact that I will try not to reference him anymore. Although, I cannot promise this will be the case.

All will be revealed after the jump.

PRE-SHOW DEEP THOUGHT:

If two model sixes have sex with one another does that count as incest? My feeling is no, but that it does count as Twincest. Twincest occurs when two identical female twins with similar hair cuts have sex with each other. This exact pairing causes them to effectively cancel each other out, negating the sin.

8:00PM Mountain Time

All right, here we go again, and this time I’m not caffeinated, so hopefully I don’t completely snap again. And so it begins.

Time 8:01PM

Kara, Helo, Athena, and Anders are all onboard the Demtrius waste ship looking for a way to Earth. Now, contrary to what you would imagine, wouldn’t a waste recycling ship be extremely critical to the fleet? I mean, there fleet’s about 30,000 people? Let’s say they have a BM twice a day, each weight half a pound each. That’s 30,000lbs of poo produced by the fleet every day. Now, considering that I bet there aren’t other sewage recycling ships in the fleet. Where’s all that poo going?

Time 8:03PM

Oh, they said they had been gone for 50 some odd days. That’s 1.5 million poo pounds if Im not mistaken.

Baltar is counselling a woman who lost her family on Picons. She’s found a way to tie in the Cylon attack to the “Corporations” who built them. Really? Are we still doing that hackneyed “Corporation” thing in the future? But I guess it’s the future and the past at the same time, so maybe eventually people will evolve who can see nuance.

Baltar is still on the Lord of Kobols do not exist rant. He’s part Jesus part Richard Dawkins. He has the dickish attitude of Dawkins with the surrealism of Christ, and has neither of their good qualities.

Time 8:06PM

Tyrol is jump roping and has shaved his head. He’s wearing a shirt so I cannot begin to speculate as to whether or not he has a swastika tattoo now.

Time 8:07PM

We’re back with Kara and everyone on Poo Force 1. Maybe everyone has been ordered to hold it until they get back? I don’t know, all I know is that 1.5 million pounds of poo isn’t going to process itself… well actually yes it would… but probably not in space where there is no eco-system to absorb it.

Time 8:08PM

How many function critical people did Adama send out on this mission? Gaeta too? That’s easily half the people who know how to do shit. It should be called the “inglorious yet extremely critical” mission.

Time 8:10PM

Leobon is floating around in what looks like an old style raider. I have no idea how this fits in, but it evokes thoughts of the Razor film.

And STILL with the pseudo celtic intro music? I demand equal representation for each different culture on Earth. I demand gangster rap next week.

Time 8:11PM

Commercial. I’m so tired of ED commercials. There’s a cure for ED already. It’s called the fucking internet. Log on, and you can see ANYTHING you want. That’s why God created Germans and Japanese people.

Time 8:13PM

Commercial. I feel compelled to tell you that the Mantis Lawn Trimmer is now available at Factory Directory Prices.

Time 8:14PM

Leobon is now on the poo shit. Athena is wondering what his true motives are. Maybe he’s backed up? I bet those old style raiders weren’t built for skin jobs. He must’ve been holding a turtle head for weeks.

Time 8:15PM

Leobon is on the whole God has opened you up spiel. He’s talking about Earth. How many times has a prisoner in a movie been dragged away, only to say something jarring that causes the commander to say “stop!” I feel that has happened many many times.

Oh and Kara is having Leobon taken to her quarters. I think she has a thing for Cylons.

Time 8:17PM

Tory is talking to Tyrol in the viper chute where Callie was blown out into space. Tory is sweet talking him trying to turn him into the same kind of nihilistic bitch she is. Now Tory is fielding the “what if she knew?” question. Planting seeds of doubt into Tyrol’s mind. She’s giving him the God spiel. This is worse than when Scientologists recruit people in times of emotional duress. She’s trying to convert him to Baltarism.

Tyrol’s not having it. You want to know why? Because he’s an engineer, and engineer’s know how shit works, and can’t get sucked up into bull crap very easily.

Time 8:20PM

Leobon is helping Kara paint in her quarters. Anders is pissed because Leobon has his hands all over her. Now they’re fighting. Considering they’re both Cylons, and both “into” Kara, it’s like watching two vibrators with A.I. wrestle with each other.

Kara kind of looks like my sister when she’s drunk. “Blah blah blah… I don’t care what you fucking say…. glahgalsdlasdfss… I’ll bite your nose off!”

Time 8:21PM

Anders is kickign the shit out of Leobon, and Leobon is saying “I just want what’s best for her.” Now he’s telling Anders about faith. Now Leobon is telling Anders about his destiny. He’s revealed the rift between cylon models.

Time 8:23PM

Leobon is proposing an alliance with the humans, promising that the hybrid will help Kara find the way to Earth. And for a donation of just $10,000 he can cure your imaginary friend’s cancer. In fact, he can make her real.

Time 8:25PM

Commercial. I’ve officially decided that Iron Man is nothing but a Cylon with a human inside.

I’ve also decided that if an elephant can paint it’s own picture, than killing an elephant ought to be tantamount to murder. Plus they have giant ears. My Grandpa had giant ears, and when i was small I used to flick them and marvel at the nature of cartledge. Ah, Grandpa, such soft ears.

Time 8:27PM

People are beginning to doubt Kara. Athena believes that Kara is out of control. Helo has just spoken the word mutiny, and people are like “That bitch is crazy.” I think Helo secretly realizes she has a point.

Time 8:28PM

Baltar is getting laid again. This has happened in every single episode of BSG thus far this season. At least once. Tory is such a deceptive whore.

Time 8:29PM

Tory is telling Baltar that he can’t get anyone of consequence to join his crusade. Baltar looks a little pissed about it.

His whores are walking down the hallway talking about how great he is, and Tyrol has overheard them. He’s looking for something to believe in, but his engineer side is conflicted. Tigh just showed up as well, and is making fun of all the cult members. He’s pulling Tyrol aside, and telling him to get his shit straight.

Tyrol is accusing him of spending time with the Six. Tigh says he can live with it, because let’s face it, that bitch is hot. Tyrol can’t live with being a cylon.

Time 8:32PM

We’re back on poo ship. Someone is looking at the ship that Leobon arrived in. It was venting gas and it just exploded. My guess is that it creates a critical situation that requires them to seek out cylon aid. The poor girl who was looking at it was just blown off into space.

Time 8:33PM

Commercial. In almost every television show I have ever seen featuring vampires as a recurring element, most of the Vampires look as though they got their start in low budget porn movies. This is especially true of “Kindred: the Embraced.” That show more or less was a very poorly produced porno with no sex scenes. I mean, horrible, horrible acting.

Buffy the Vampire slayer being of course the notable exception. In that show only the stock vampires looked like porn stars.

Time 8:37PM

Baltar is telling people not to clap. Now he’s asking a bunch of questions to no one. And he’s answer them. Wow, bravo. Brilliant. It’s not that I hate when people do that, it’s the air they put on where they look at you with an expression that says “oh yeah, fuck right I know the answer.”

Tyrol is being seduced by Baltar. Baltar claims Callie would have been a part of his sex cult, and probably given him head to, but Tyrol is dead set against it. Tyrol says there are some sins that God cannot forgive. Baltar is offering Tyrol his hand, I see a vision coming up.

Waiting…

Waiting…

YES! CHOKE HOLD! THANK YOU BSG WRITERS!

I totally did not see that coming. But now that it happened, it was very appropriate.

Time 8:40PM

Tyrol has a pistol and is contemplating suicide, but now he’s looking at a picture of sweet farm-girl looking Callie on the floor and he just can’t do it. God that choke hold was awesome.

Time 8:41PM

Kara is now beating the shit out of Leobon. She’s accusing Leobon of setting her up. She can’t quite bring herself to kill him though, because she’s found Jesus Christ.

Time 8:42PM

Kara wants to know what happened to her the two months she was missing. Leobon says he sees an Angel blazing with the light of God when he looks at her. He and Baltar must be reading the same books on seduction, because that sound awfully familiar to last week’s “You’re all perfect in the eyes of God.”

Time 8:43PM

Kara is trying to hold a wake for Sgt. Matthias who got blown off into space. Now she’s railing that the Universe is empty, because Sgt. Matthias’ death was all about her. She now acknowledges that it has been a difficult mission… hold on… schizo pause. Gaeta says they’re ready to go back to the fleet. Kara now wants to go the cylon base ship, and the crew is not happy about it.

Time 8:45PM

Mutiny is breaking out. Helo just beat the shit out of some guy who tried to pull a gun on him. Out of all the people on BSG I would want to fight Helo least. That man looks like a whip made out of muscle. Just goes in for the wham, and dances out of the way of your KABOOM.

Time 8:46PM

Commercial. Ricky Gervais apparently has a big movie premiering in the U.S. with Louis CK in it. I demand Karl Pilkington be given a cameo. Do you hear me Gervais? I said it.

And sure, I may just be a jobless, unattractive, 23 year old live-blogging BSG, instead of going out on a Friday night to bone the crap out of hot chicks, but I think my opinion counts for something. Why? Because I’m a nerd. And I have tastes damn it.

Time 8:49

We’re back on Galactica, and Tyrol is looking at a picture of Callie. Baltar is going to Tyrol’s room to preach the gospel. If there is another choke-hold, I’m going to jump up and shout for joy. Gaius Baltar has a very chokable neck.

Baltar is asking for Tyrol’s forgiveness. He’s realy laying on the Jesus thing awful thick. I wonder how long before his being the lawful president of the colonies comes into play (remember folks, his term is still on-going, and he was found innocent in trial. Zareck never had the authority to turn over control of the government to Roslin).

Baltar is explaining his faith to Tyrol. He’s explaining redemption and forgiveness, and acceptance of his fate. Accepting fate seems to be a big part of this season. Tyrol is just giving him the crazy eyes. Baltar just said he wished he had known “Callie better.” Sicko.

Tyrol has offered Baltar his hand.

Vision?

Vision?

Fuck no vision. My senses are off.

Time 8:53PM

Athena is trying to talk Helo into mutiny. I think Kara’s going to be right, by virtue of the fact in real life there would be absolutely no reason for them to do this. Helo is making a very rational case for returning to Galactica, which Starbuck is not having any of. Kara is explaining that her instincts are what is guiding her.

You know what they really ought to have done? Just plotted a jump to Galactica and never told her. They only had enough Tilium for once jump and I bet Starbuck isn’t too good at math.

Time 8:55PM

Gaeta is now XO, and is also refusing to jump. The entire crew has declared mutiny against Kara. Helo has relieved Kara of command. She’s giving him an evil baleful look. And we end.

I bet something goes wrong with the FTL and they have to go the cylon base ship anyway, and Kara’s faith will be reaffirmed.

PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK

Kara gets to see the hybrid. The hybrid has an orgasm. Anders shoots some bitches. Six hits someone. Kara is the harbinger of death.

I don’t know what any of this all means, but people should marvel at how much god damn text I can produce in an hour. Also, people should buy John Hodgman’s book, which is hysterical.