BSG Semi-Live Blog 5/23/08

I will be live-blogging the second broadcast of BSG tonight (therefore, not live-blogging at all actually) because I am attending my little brother’s birthday party and have to chaperon about six eight year olds. I will also be going with them to see the new Indiana Jones movie. So just a warning, I will probably make angry references to it if it is as bad as people claim, and there will be spoilers. There will be Indiana Jones spoilers. Although it should be obvious that in a live-blog about BSG there will be Indiana Jones spoilers.

Also, just a couple of facts for your edification:

1. I blew up (using my own lungs in the course of two hours) about sixty party balloons which are all in my brother’s room. I have an enormous head-ache.

2. One of the balloons has a “$” on it and the words “Happy Birthday Buddy Love Andrew.” Inside this balloon is $40.

3. I put two tiny chickens into the oven about two hours ago, after I smeared them with garlic butter (which I made, and to which I also added a dash or two of peppercorn). The house now smells like a garlic asshole so all the doors are opened.

4. The home-made mashed potatoes I prepared are incredible.

And on a final note, I cannot believe you people still read these god damn things. I have tried everything within my power to make them obtuse, incomprehensible, and un-enjoyable yet still… people read… still… no complaints. To think that a few short months ago I thought “Let’s do this hilarious joke that no one but me will laugh at!” But I’m not laughing now. I haven’t enjoyed an episode of BSG since I started this.

So… without anymore bitching, prepare to be immersed as fully in the universe of Kobol, Caprica, and the Cylons as an internet user in Tad William’s epic “Otherland” series! Also, brushing up on your Indiana Jones wouldn’t hurt much either.

Time 10:05PM Mountain Time

Or prepare not to be immersed… because either Battlestar Galactica was not on tonight or the second broadcast was not run. How horribly horribly embarrassing (and relieving).

Indiana Jones is underwhelming on multiple levels. The first level in which it was horrible was that the theater was more stuffed than a woman in a gang bang film. Then I had to keep worrying about where all the kids were. The whole way in, I was turning around in circles counting “one two three four five six!”

Once inside the kids demanded we sit down in the very front of the theater so my head was at a ninety degree angle to my body during the whole showing. Also, the trouble maker of the group kept repeating lines out loud and I kept having to tell him to be quiet. Even not being able to watch the movie didn’t stop me from punching a bees nest worth of holes into the plot.

Time 10:05am

Okay, there was no Battlestar Galactica last night so I’ll just give a spoiler rich review of Indiana Jones.

We open up with Indiana Jones being held captive by a bunch of Soviet spies who want him to search the same warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant is held for a mysterious artifact. The lead Soviet, dressed all in gray, is apparently psychic but is unable to read the taciturn mind of Dr. Jones. Also, she is unable to pick up on the divine emanations of the Ark of the Covenant that sits just a few feet away. Also, she is unable to even use common sense to tell that Indiana might try to escape. My guess is that she isn’t psychic at all. Anyhow it turns out that the Commies are looking for the corpse of the alien that crashed at Roswell. Of course, when you think Indiana Jones you think aliens. That just goes hand in hand.

We see the Ark of the Covenant once, for no reason, and then we never think of it again except to wonder why they showed it in the first place.

Indiana manages to escape (on some weird subterranean rocket that has no reason to exist. Literally, there’s just a rocket ship chair under this warehouse for no reason) and ends up at an atomic test site just moment before a bomb goes off. He survives this explosion by hiding inside a lead lined refrigerator. Yes. Indiana Jones was close to ground zero of a nuclear detonation and survives by hiding in a refrigerator.

Not only this, the refrigerator is thrown miles from the blast site, striking the ground repeatedly before finally coming to rest. Magically, the door of the refrigerator never swings open and spills Indiana out, nor do the repeated collisions break any of his bones. So, once Indiana opens up the door of the refrigerator that a nuclear bomb couldn’t shake loose he strikes a gopher (don’t worry we get many meaningless reaction shots from the gopher) and goes to talk to the FBI.

The FBI debriefs him and calls him a commie, again for no real reason. If you’re looking to have the paranormal and supernatural done in an intelligent way go watch the first three films. Also, if you want plot that actually holds up don’t see this movie. Indiana then gets fired from his job (because he’s a commie) and is about to leave for Europe when Shea Lebouf shows up on a motorcycle and convinces him that an old friend is in danger.

Indiana then has lunch with Lebouf who tells him about dropping out of college and all sorts of marvelous things. Lebouf then hands Indiana a letter filled with these cheesy riddles written in Mayan that will help them find a Crystal Skull. It turns out this Crystal Skull is the key to the magical city of El Dorado (except called something more obscure to insult your intelligence that much more). Some Soviets have been tailing Indy and he and Labouf have to incite a fight so they can sneak away and escape on Labouf’s motorcycle.

After a ridiculous jaunt through a college campus where they evade the Soviets, Indy and Labouf go back to Indy’s library. Indy then gives him this long, horribly overwrought speech about crop circles and such that sounds like it was ripped out of the literature of a new age cult. This plot is so thin you couldn’t hold a light breeze with it.

Indy and Labouf then decide they have to go search for their friend Oxley where the riddle tells them to go. They find out he was being held in a prison after losing his mind, and then they find even more clues from scratches he made in the walls of his cell. The stone walls of his cell. The hard stone walls of his cell where he made deep etches. Apparently in South American prisons they give lunatics chisels and sledge hammers. Indy does the whole “find a new perspective” trick and finds directions to a cemetery where the skull is hidden.

The cemetery is guarded by two boys with poison darts who are never explained. It seems that for fun locals in this South American villages just hang around cemeteries shooting people with poison darts. Again, you don’t know because there’s not even a single line of dialogue that explains where they come from. They’re just there.

Then they go find the Crystal Skull (which was apparently taken out of the tomb and put back by Oxley) and then find the Soviets outside who thank Dr. Jones for doing their work for them. You’ll be happy to know that Gray Pant Suit Soviet confesses she had no idea where the skull was hidden but just happened to be at that cemetery at that exact moment. Some plots are like super steel structures woven out of microscopic bits of carbon fibers that can withstand any scrutiny. This is like the lint you clean out of your dryer when you’ve run a small load.

Cut to somewhere else in South America. Oxley is being held prisoner by the Soviets where he just speaks the same jibberish riddles over and over again (not clever at all). They pull out the black haired chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark and threaten Jones to help them find the city of El Dorado by interpreting what Oxley is saying. To do this they force him to stare into the eyes of the Crystal Skull. Remember the episode of South Park where Cartman got psychic powers and just made “zing” noises under his breath? This display of psychic prowess was less impressive than that.

Also, the Soviet has the alien corpse there, which also has a Crystal Skull but one which is apparently never needed… so… let’s think about this. They stole a corpse they didn’t need? Even though she confessed to knowing it would have a Crystal Skull because she had examined two more in the Soviet Union so really she didn’t even need verification? Then why did you want this one? Just for fun? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH?

So, Labouf tries to help everyone escape, which they do for about five minutes until Indiana gets caught in quick sand. While he’s sinking (with the Black Haired chick next to him) he explains very congenially that it’s not technically quick sand. Like a professor who has never been outdoors. They made Indiana Jones sound like a total fucking pussy. I am enraged.

While Labouf is out searching for something to help them escape the quick sand, Black Haired chick drops the bomb shell that Labouf is Indy’s son. Yes because Indiana Jones is now such a pussy that his seed yields effeminate Shai Labouf. Labouf then helps his parents escape by making them grab onto a giant rat snake which yields all sorts of “Oh Indiana Jones is such a pussy” bits of comedy. This movie has bad sitcom moments where the dad (Indy) comes off as a total moron who is only kept alive by the wit of the mother.

Then there is a completely unnecessary thirty minute long chase scene where gravity and several other laws of physics cease to exist any longer. It’s so bad that Indy and company get thrown off three giant man killer water falls and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS. Shai Labouff also literally swings from jungle vines like Tarzan. However, it may be that they were no longer part of the real world at that point because the entire world was CGI. I also forgot to mention this. The warehouse in the beginning? Also CGI. Because apparently IT’S TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE TO HAVE AN ACTUAL OLD FUCKING BUILDING WITH A BUNCH OF GODDAMN WOODEN BOXES IN IT!

The scene is so long and convoluted I can’t explain it. Suffice it to say, they end up in El Dorado, where an entire civilization of angry stone slinging Mayas has managed to survive unnoticed for the last five hundred years. Again, no explanation is apparently needed.

We do find out the Crystal Skull belongs to an alien life form, which they tried to make seem like a total surprise despite having explicitly said “This skull belongs to an alien life form” no less than eight times previously. This script played like someone took a bunch of different first drafts and stapled them together after they just threw pages on the floor and swept them up at random until they had a whole movie.

A bunch of boobie traps later, and the revelation of a spy (which happened earlier within five minutes of the movie and then again later with such a thin explanation I won’t bother giving it). That’s right, the man who double crossed Indy at the beginning of the movie did it again at the end, and Indy had the gall to be surprised.

They give the skull back to the headless alien whereupon the aliens become all powerful and want to do a favor for the humans. So, let’s recap again.

500 years ago a Spanish explorer steals a Crystal Skull from the corpse of an alien which also happens to be alive inexplicably 500 years later. Or it was alive earlier, in which case a primitive Spaniard managed to steal the head of an all powerful alien. How does that work again? Oh yeah, it doesn’t.

Okay, so they give the head back and the aliens are so ungrateful they just have to go back to space immediately (they can’t wait five minutes for Jones and crew to evacuate) and in doing so DESTROY THE ENTIRE COLLECTION OF PRICELESS ARTIFACTS THEY THEMSELVES COLLECTED OVER THE COURSE OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS. There is literally a room full of Roman, Chinese, and other amazing ancient art the aliens collected which they destroy for no reason.

Indy escapes and watches the giant crater where the alien ship used to be and then at the end of the movie he gets married. Then I had to count kids again and left the theater. Just sad and depressing.

I want to say this: the acting was good, the execution by the director was good, and it was as good as it could have been given how bad the script and CGI were. The script was fucking horrible. Horrible horrible horrible. They did as good a job as they could have done given this, but the entire script made NO SENSE at all. Zero sense. Also, for some reason even when it would have been cheaper to use actual props they used CGI. Hollywood has become so lazy we can’t have an old warehouse full of actual empty boxes anymore. We need a cartoon warehouse full of obviously cartoon boxes. Simply horrible.

Do not see this movie if you love Indiana Jones and want to keep him sacred in your memory.