I woke up yesterday feeling like someone had been banging two iron skillets together inside my head for several hours. I’m not really prone to headaches, and I don’t drink, so I was at something of a loss to explain this.
After a few minutes I realized that I was physically unable to stand up, eat, or drink. I also had a fever, and felt like I wanted to throw up. That’s when I finally said “Oh… I’m sick!” after which I promptly went back to bed.
I estimate I slept somewhere in the neighborhood of eighteen hours yesterday, although I can’t really remember waking up people told me I did. I have no recollection of it, but I apparently left comments on several blogs and figured out how to reset my twitter updates. I had changed the password, which caused some technical hiccups, but apparently my subconscious self is a freaking genius and set that aright.
I’m still feeling relatively crappy, but at least I can type now and remember what I write. Anyhow, now that I have regained the power of memorable communication, how shall I use it? Let’s go ahead and talk about centaur sexuality.
In the past couple of days, I posted the following question on twitter:
bcwoods “Are centaurs ever cross gendered? (ie woman body on top with giant horse penis on bottom)”
Which got the following responses:
DJWebcomicGeek “That’s a disturbing thing to think about. I would have to say possibly. Like hermaphrodites. This requires further investigation.”
sedated2000 “have you ever seen a male centaur’s genitals to begin with?”
DonitaH “Sexiness.”
AnnieVigilante “I can only hope.”
My guess on this issue would be that all genetic variation is possible, and in a centaur population of significant size, you would see cross-gendered centaurs. However, the interesting question is this: where do centaurs get pregnant? Do female centaurs carry the baby in their human womb or their horse womb?
My guess on that: It would have to be the horse womb unless centaurs had a really crazy birth canal. Which makes you wonder if female centaurs have even retained their human wombs.
I also asked the following question:
bcwoods “Would centaurs even be turned on by breasts? It seems they would be too far away during copulation to care.”
davidcgarcia “Yes. Yes they would.”
kittenbottom “Maybe they still play with them while making out?”
Emperor_Gum :assuming that humans are more sexual animals that horses, I believe they would. Huh, and centuar sex is my first update in 9 days.”
sedated2000 “You’ve really been thinking hard about this centaur issue, huh? Centaurs would probably not care too much. None wear shirts.”
Descartes1 “I think it’s the other end of a centaur that would get the most attention”
DjWebcomicGeek “I doubt they would find them too sexy. I don’t recall seeing many covered centaur women so it’s like they’re desensitized to boobs.”
My thoughts on this are that centaurs would be very European about breasts. As DJ so kindly pointed out, I’ve never seen a centaur wearing a shirt, so right there that takes away the whole taboo aspect of breasts. Then there is the fact that a centaur cannot physically fondle a female centaur’s breasts during copulation because they are simply too far apart.
Which leads to yet another question: Do centaurs finger bang? Aside from the obvious “Is the hand even big enough to stimulate a female centaur?” There’s also the issue that in horses that particular canal also has a lot of other things coming in and out of it that would present some unavoidable hygiene issues.
The question I now leave you with is this:
“Do Centaurs masturbate?”
My guess is yes, even though they obviously cannot do this in the traditional human fashion because of distance issues. Given their near human sexuality however, it is likely that they would find some way to masturbate without using their hands by constructing some kind of masturbation device.
It depends on if they have the need to masturbate or not and if they did HOW they masturbated could be learned from observing their lower half’s full body cousin, the horse. Though now that I think about it that is flawed because you have the human mind interfering with it. If they do masturbate, which I’m not sure they do, I believe it is with a large cut down tree that has rotted until it isn’t hard. They then use their upper human half to create a hold in it just big enough for their penis to fit in and they hump a way.
I’ve seen videos of horses screwing bales of hay, so I’d assume the same method would apply to centaurs as far as masturbation. (the internet is a very dark and dangerous place …)
On with centaur hermaphroditism … Assuming it’s a chimera then yes … Though reproduction would depend on which cell population has made up the sex organs, it’s also unlikely that they’d have centaur offspring but instead either a horse or a human …
If you remember that episode of Dirty Jobs they have a thing that looks like a Pommel horse that they use to collect semen from horses. I’m sure it could be used for lonely Friday nights too.
Seriously, What?… is all i have to say about your latest post.
@DJ
According to the internets stallions jack off by getting an erection and then jumping up and down so it slaps their stomach. No word on how mares do it yet.
@Nym
Well for the sake of this we’re assuming that centaurs are their own species, not literally half human half horse except in a phylogenic aspect.
Did I use phylogenic appropriately? I can’t tell, because I just took a bunch of cough syrup and I feel like I’m floating.
@Eric
Yes, but again, what about the FEMALE centaurs?
@Eli
Hey, I’m barely a human being right now. I’d like to see what you come up with when you’re this sick.
I bet it’s nothing as profound as how a mythological creature would pleasure itself.
*bows head*
Nevermind.
You’re right.
I should be ashamed of myself.
I’m sure they could fashion a long stick with a curve in it for the task. Centaurs were suppose to be good archers so they’ll be good with wood work.
And on that note… That Iran stuff sure is crazy huh?
I agree with Eric. I think that even if they wearnt good with working wood(harharhar) then they could find a tree limb or something that they could bone.
I’ve seen images of female Centaurs wearing bra-vest things, so this would lead me to believe that breasts are a subject of sexual interest in Centaur society. Having said this, I’m basing this on Xena: Warrior Princess, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen an episode where they ripped off Groundhog Day.
In regards female masturabation, it would all depend on how flexible the human half was.
Absolutely horse womb…can you picture a human woman carrying a *colt*?
Yes Rosie, I can picture that and the fact that I can picture that worries me. But in a good way.
And I think we have to step back and look at centaurs as their own separate species like BC said. So I would say they have neither a horse womb nor a human womb but instead a centaur womb which would be designed for pushing out baby centaurs.
One question I have is can donkeys get centaurs pregnant to breed a new type of a centaur?
BC, I remember being sick once in college. I had drank too much cough syrup (heavily laden with dextromethorphan) and achieved that floatly mental state. Since I had an exam the next day and was wide awake from the cough syrup I decided to eat some diphenhydramine to help me sleep. For the love of all that is holy do not mix the two!!!!
For whatever reason I felt that since diphenhydramine was only an antihistamine it would be okay to take more than the recommended dose to accelerate the sleep process. Needless to say I did not fall asleep until a few hours before the exam, due to being up all night talking to shadowmen.
Didn’t read other comments. But you sick sick people in more than one sense. There are no female centaurs. And I don’t even want to know what is meant by “more European about breasts”. Sheez.
I think that female centaurs would only wear a covering over their breasts in the presence of humans. Seems like they would respect our culture, but then back in the wild they would be topless. I bet it’s a real turn on for male centaurs to see a clothed female, since it’s not that common.
On another note, I wonder how lesbianism would fit in the centaur world. Or maybe females just masturbate each other as a general friendly kindness.
I never really thought I’d be pondering these types of things. It’s such a weird subject.
Here is a question would they have horse breasts or people breasts or both? Which one would produce milk for their young?
@Eric
Yeah, that’s some pretty crazy stuff going on in that country.
Also, don’t you think a masturbation stick would chaffe?
@DJ
But the chaffing issue still remains.
@Emperor Gum
Even if the female centaur was completely flexible there’s no way they’d be able to reach that far back.
@Rosie
Absolutely not. It’s sick enough watching a horse give birth to a horse.
@DJ
Maybe some kind of donkeytaur, but certainly not just a regular donkey as that would be bestiality.
@Nym
That sounds so unfortunately like what I experienced last night, except I only took regular cough syrup… for kids. This is why I don’t like to take medicine: it affects me way too powerfully.
@Kibrika
Oh come on, Kibrika centaurs are people too!
Weren’t you moved by the centaur rights rallies in the 60′s, where Centaur MLK gave his most famous speech and said “I have a dream that one day my children will be judged not by the hooves on their feet but by the degree to which their human minds can overcome their feral horse instincts.”
Also, where does it say that all centaurs are male?
And I meant to say that Europeans aren’t as turned on by breasts as we are… at least from what I understand of European culture in general.
@Jessica
Well I’m glad to get you to think of it. Centaurs are one of mythologies most unfortunate creations as they have no ability to touch almost half of their body.
@Eric
They’d have to be horse breasts, as disturbing as it is to imagine a young centaur sucking on a horse breast, it would be unwieldy to pick up an entire young centaur and hold it to ones breast.
What if they cut a hole into a log, covered the sides with resin and then covered the resin with a cloth. Then they could pound away at it.
And would it be bestiality for a centaur to bang a donkey?
They could sand down the wood and maybe put some kind of finish on it to make it smooth.
@DJ and Jessica
Unless they’ve got some kind of latex at their disposal I’m really not seeing either of those two ideas working.
I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT! They are natural hunters so they probably hunt sheep. They could easily make their own sheep skin condom of sorts to put inside the whole in the wood.
I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT! They are natural hunters so they probably hunt sheep. They could easily make their own sheep skin condom of sorts to put inside the hole in the wood.
They would use a bronze or stone head which historically have both been used as dildos. No reson it souldn’t work for them.
You know, I’ve been thinking about this (weeps in a corner), and I think Centaurs could have sex lying down, like two L shapes. I don’t believe horses don’t sleep on their sides because they couldn’t get up, but I reckon a Centaur could do it. Maybe if they pushed their human halfs up, they could look at each other, a little more personal perhaps. Hm, I see this is the great question of our time.
From wiki.
Dildos in one form or another have been present in society throughout history. Artifacts from the Upper Paleolithic which have previously been described as batons were most likely used for sexual purposes.[7] However, there appears to be hesitation on the part of archaeologists to label these items as sex toys: as one archaeologist put it, “Looking at the size, shape, and—some cases—explicit symbolism of the ice age batons, it seems disingenuous to avoid the most obvious and straightforward interpretation. But it has been avoided.”
The world’s oldest known dildo is a siltstone 20-centimeter phallus from the Upper Palaeolithic period 30,000 years ago that was found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm Germany.[8]Findings of the archaeologists show that ancient Egyptians used dildos 2,500 years ago[citation needed]. Also these sex toys were used by ancient Greeks. A vase with a woman using a dildo depicted on it was found. This vase was made in the fifth century B.C.[citation needed] Another ancient Greek vase of about the 6th century B.C. depicts a scene in which a woman bends over to perform oral sex on a man, while another man is about to thrust a dildo into her anus.[9]
The first dildos were made of stone, tar, wood and other materials that could be shaped as penises and that were firm enough to be used as penetrative sex toys. Chinese women in the 15th century used dildos made of lacquered wood with textured surfaces. With the invention of modern materials, there appeared the possibility of making dildos of different shapes, sizes, colors and textures.[10] There have been many references to dildos in the historical and ethnographic literature. Haberlandt,[11] for example, illustrates single and double-ended wooden dildos from late 19th century Zanzibar.
In 1966, Ted Marche pioneered the manufacturing and distributing of rubber dildos and other sex toys.[12]
Wow. I did not know all that.
And now I do.
Oh Eric, you scholar!
That sort of ties in with a notion I had regarding the most recently discovered – and possibly oldest – paleolithic Venus. Seems to me that the figures are probably just prehistoric porn.
@DJ
That’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard all day!
@Eric
That’s the SECOND most sensible thing I’ve heard all day!
@Emperor_Gum
Yeah, I was thinking about that two. Centaur sex must be very impersonal seeing as how it is physically impossible for them to look at each other while they do it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Centaur males had trouble looking at female Centaurs as anything other than ass.
@Eileen
Could you imagine living a society that primitive? I don’t know how people could stand it.
What was the most sensible thing?
Why thank ya sir!
I don’t it would be to impersonal. Humans for some reason see face to face sex as personal but for some doggy style is more personal. I think it would be very hard for two centaurs to “get it on” laying down because of the legs. They would just get in the way.
@DJ
But what if they were getting it on underwater? Or in zero G? I bet the legs would be NO issue then! I guess that means logically the next thing to ask would be if centaurs can swim.
@ShawShaw
Well if they get it on underwater then that raises a few questions such as ,as you said, do centaurs swim. And if it was in zero G then that would raise a ton of questions like “What does a centaur rocket look like? Is it fueled by unicorn farts?”
@DJ
Unicorn farts? Rockets? Pah! That’s preposterous. Everyone knows centaurs are afraid of going to outer-space. Therefore, they must instead use a special cenaur airplane that executes parabolic flight paths to create a zero G environment. Naturally, it is fueled by the jizz of Chuck Norris.
@Eric
DJ’s sheepskin comment idea.
@DJ
Centaur or not, there’s just no substitute for face to face contact.
@ShawShaw
That seems like it would lead to a lot of floundering, and probably ultimately culminate in the centaurs drowning. I don’t think they’d be very good natural swimmers because of the way their center of gravity is distributed.
@DJ & ShawShaw
Must you reduce this debate to absurdity?
They can have face to face foreplay but for the sex they have to do it “doggy” style because of their bodies. They may also be able to fondle breast doing it “doggy” style. I think that their hands could reach around and may even use the boobs to hold onto while going at it.
and to answer your second question. I’m sorry.
See, this is why the flexibility of the human form comes into player. What if the mating Centaur’s could rear up, brining their human halfs in parallel with the length of the horse part. Whilst likely unstable, this could certainly work as a misionary style intercourse. Lying down would counteract the instability, hence my earlier suggestion. I imagine Centaurs to be far more passionate lovers than Fauns for example, whom I would consider fickle.
@DJ
Just think about how much distance there is between a horse’s front and its back. There is no way a centaur could reach forward far enough, when it’s human half is that far up in the air during copulation, to grab a female centaur’s breasts.
It just physically cannot do that.
@Emperor Gum
I don’t know if I get what you’re saying. Are you suggesting the female centaur lay down on the ground on her back?
Or the male centaur, not to be sexist.
@BC
It depends on how flexible the waist of a centaur is! If it can bend down far enough then it’s possible. I’m going to try and draw an example!
I think i can imagine what DJ means, when a male horse mounts a female, its neck is able to rest alongside her back, so if a female centaurs human-torse leaned back and the male leaned forward, im sure boobgrappage could be facilitated.
About the masturbation; Do we assume female centaurs have any sort of clitoral nerves in their genitalia area? The vaginal walls themselves are usually said to be numb, to avoid extreme pain during birth. So i think that unless theres some sort of g-spot/clit area involved, sex and masturbation/orgasm migth just be off the table completely for female centaurs.
But then again, parrots have no clitoris/external genitalia in the female i know off, but will gladly rub off on toys and anything they can nail down.
Id guess it comes down to finding out if female horses masturbate, since we know female humans do, but i hesitate to type in “female horse masturbation” in my searchengine..
(yay for first comment i ever make on your lovely blog to be about crossspecies masturbation)
lady centaurs would most likely have to wear some sort of bra, just for support issues. I know depending on cup size, running without support can hurt like a mofo. I’d imagine cantering or galloping would hurt even more.
@DJ
I saw that picture you sent me of the stick figure centaur mounting the female centaur. Your neglected to consider that the body of the centaur (not being flat) would push the human half of the centaur up into the air and slightly backward. The male centaur (assuming he’s somewhere close to the same size as the female centaur) would not be able to cup the female centaur’s breasts. Maybe they could do it if they were much bigger, but I don’t think so. Does anyone want to speculate about centaur dimorphism?
@Sark
Well, I for one am glad for your insight. I don’t know if female horses enjoy sex or if they masturbate.
Bryn? Are you reading this?
Bryn is a horse show lady and knows all about horses. I’ve been waiting for her to show up and set us all to rights.
@Caitlin
That’s a very good observation Caitlin. I wonder if they would genetically have small breasts since large ones would hinder their ability to move quickly.
Hmmmmm…..
And I repeat…. HMMMMM…..
The idea of large breasts would also be a bit odd considering that the breasts are a combination of milkglands and fatty tissue, so unless you are actually going to breastfeed with them, they arent very expressed. (think male breast vs. female).
I dont think ive ever seen a horseudder as expressed as a cow one either, so even if centaurs breastfeed, secondary gender-charateristics like breasts, migth not be very large overall. (also, how the heck does a centaur-foal reach if the boobs on the torso are the feeding ones?)
would a centaur-foal be an up-and-go type of baby, or helpless and slowdeveloping like a human. A hilarious mental image is something thats able to walk like a foal but helpless like a baby up top.
I also seem to recall a series of books that played with the social construct that only female centaurs bred true, males were simply normal stallions.
@BC
Blast! Damn me! Oh well. Still I would think the arms would be sufficient to reach if the centaur leaned forward. How flexible is a centaur?
@ DJ
thats a really good question, i would imagine its either a skeletal structure with a sort of pelvis-shoulderblades integration (which i dont think would be able to flex very far back due to two large flat bones having to run parallel), or a spine-spine connection (which seems more flexible but might not be very strong).
guess the trouble with a centaur is that it can either be mythologically correct, or biologically, but not really both. Kind like of how i imagine a biological mermaid would look like a furless seal and not have anything to do with a fish at all.
@Sark
I figure the horse part of the centaur baby would be immediately able to stand, and that the baby would feed off the horse nipples of the mother.
As to those books you read… wait… the fully sentient female centaurs had to fuck male horses? Is that what I’m reading?
That’s pretty fucked up.
@Dj
I suppose it depends on the centaur, but like I said, unless they have pretty significant sexual dimorphism I don’t think there’s going to be any groping during sex.
@Sark
I love your description of a biological mermaid.
@BC
You know there are now a team of highly trained scientist who are going to try and engineer two centaurs JUST so they can answer all our questions about centaur sexual habits. Or at least there is my head.
@SCIENTIST
Screw research on unimportant things like AIDS and cancer. WORK ON GETTING US REAL CENTAURS! I have questions about masturbation, boobs and just sex in general I need to ask them.
@BC the fully sentient female centaurs kept the male horses as workforce and breed-material and barter, so hmm, im not sure they were the ones left with the short end of the stick.
If you love the description of a biological mermaid, i could probably scan in one of my old drawings and inflict it upon you via mail.
I also recall a graphic novel depicting a centaur society in the ww2 era. The society is a lot like a classical quaker-like society (no need for machinery to arise when you can pull the cart yourself). the main protagonist goes off to join the army, and hilarity ensues. I am wracking my brain to remember the title right now.
Send it along!
A stick and lube for females. I’ve seen a chick use a broom handle so it can be done.
@Ace
They have to be able to reach their vag in the first place though which they can’t without help.
I’ve got it! Assuming the anatomy of a centaur’s lady parts are somewhat similar to a human female’s, all they’d probably have to do is sit on something that’s vibrating. Even with no penetration involved, if they have that little “happy button” human women do, it would be very easy.
I think this entry has the most comments I’ve ever seen on your site. You should find out. Then, possibly reevaluate your life, or the lives of your readers as it may.
Though I did contribute as well. Heh heh.
@Ace
You have? Do tell.
@DJ
Maybe they could stick the broom handle in the crux of a tree?
@ShawShaw
See, this is why we need Bryn to show up. Bryn is a champion horserider lady who reads my site. She could answer all these questions for us.
@Jessica
I think it’s one of the most, but I think the “Dirty Talk/Fancy Talk” one had slightly more.
Also, just so you know we’re on the front page of google now for “How do centaurs have sex.”
You know what would be scary BC?
If you got a huge amount of traffic because of it being on the front page of google for “How do centaurs have sex”, Centaur Masturbation (no quotations!) and whatever other centaur and sex related searches you are under.
Or it could awesome.
Who knows?
And yes they could stick it into the crux of tree but what if they miss? I would imagine it taking very good aiming or its “Oops wrong hole.”
I’m way behind, I know. But about the whole finger-banging thing. Horses these days are almost always artificially inseminated (only small horse farms and those who can’t afford artificial insemination equipment still do it the old fashioned way). Now the actual insemination are almost little tube or sticks… like giant pixie sticks actually, filled with collected sperm from any said stallion.
And based off of the receiving mare’s complete and utter annoyance of those being inserted… they would, most definitely, feel a finger. We actually drug with the equine equivalent of valium before due to their reactions.
SO! Yes, finger banging is definitely still feasible.
Also, centaur babies wouldn’t be in the human womb- if the human torso has no human sexual parts- it wouldn’t have a womb.
@DJ
Well… I’ve noticed about ten hits from unique centaur sex related searches… so…. yeah. There’s that. I guess.
@Bryn
Yes, but do mares jack off like stallions? And can you describe stallions doing the old trick for us?
If your fan base wasn’t strange enough (*cough* me *cough*) it will get stranger hahaha.
I’d like to see comments from people who find your site by looking up how centaurs have sex.
Seriously, don’t be shy!
@DJ & Jessica
I don’t know that I want those people staying.
I can’t believe you people, we are on the internet here, and the number one demand for the internet is more horse cock.
If one is capable of achieving the mythical horsefuck, one never needs to masturbate. You would be so in demand for porn you would be lucky to save up enough equine goo to fill a thimble.
Also, Bryn has ruined Pixie Sticks for me forever. Henceforth I will be certain they are filled with sugared pixie spooge.
@Morgan
I know there’s a paucity of horse cock in porn these days, but should we really outsource to centaurs? I hear horrible things about how violent they are.
And yes, Bryn could have chosen a better comparison. Instead, she has destroyed my beloved pixie sticks.
I still love pixie sticks. Nothing can ruin them for me all thanks to The Breakfast Club.
A female centaur is called a Kentauride. I think it’s deeply sexist that you don’t call them by their true name, BC. It is THEIR word, and they don’t need to man it up with you calling them centaurs. It sets them back centuries.
@DJ
Were their pixie sticks in the Breakfast Club?
@IamRob
I cannot believe you actually went out and did research on this.
@BC
YES!
During lunch that is how “The Basketcase” made her sandwich. You take a premade sandwich. Take off the meat and throw it (get extra points if it lands on something and sticks) then you pour the pixie sticks on the bread MAKING SURE TO PUT THEM IN YOUR COKE WHEN YOU’RE DONE and then you take about two handfuls of Cap’n Crunch cereal and put it on the bread and smoosh it together.
I love that movie.
http://s51.photobucket.com/albums/f374/Deemanboy24/?action=view¤t=ProperlyPlacedCentaur.png
Here we have an example of where the centaur dick should be. In this area it could still mate with female horses and wouldn’t have to jump on her back. It is not very WORK SAFE.
“Were there pixie sticks in The Breakfast Club?”
I am shocked BC, just shocked. The cereal and sugar sandwich sparked a lunch revolution at my school. You need to see about your library’s movie section and go borrow the movie.
*shaking my head in shame*
@DJ
I am disturbed both by that picture and your eating of pixie sticks.
@Jessica
I do not want to see someone do that with a pixie stick. That seriously makes me want to hurl.
Although I have a feeling if I saw it at twelve it would have seemed delicious.
That makes me extremely happy though I’ve never had a pixie stick/cereal sandwich.