FAQ

Who are you exactly?

My name is Andrew Peterson, and I write stories… and sometimes I scribble down my crappy ideas when I am feeling lazy. Some would argue that my stories are also crap.

Why do you write under the name BC Woods?

You know how some celebrities love to make announcements about how they want to change their names? Well, I made up BC Woods a long time ago on a lark, became somewhat popular under the name, and felt like it would be a douche move to change it back.

Not to say that I’m not a douchebag. I mean I have a twitter account* and a blog for crying out loud. I practically have “douche” written on my forehead in warm douche water.** I guess to be honest, it’s because I’ve never really cared what I’m called. When I was in high school I had a teacher call me “Bill” for six months and never said a peep.

Similarly, my father is under the impression my name is “Fuck Head,” which also does not bother me.

*And I just linked to it there. That’s like, double douche.

**This means that while I don’t literally have “Douche” visibly written on my head, I give off a certain slight odor that makes people’s douche sense tingle. Also, I’m very sweaty. I’m not what you would call an athlete.

***This isn’t actually annotated anywhere above, I just thought I would add it because I want you to understand what a douche someone has to be when they dedicate themselves this much to meta-humor.

What do you write?

I’m most popular for writing stories about my family, and about how much I hate my sister. Who is, let’s be honest, one of the most evil human beings on this planet. You can find all my family stories here.

However, I also want to write fiction. The gross kind that always makes college professors roll their eyes and moan about how the only fiction worth writing is the kind where a lonely man sits around in a parlor drinking cognac while contemplating the inevitability of death. You know the kind of fiction I’m talking about: the kind with lasers and aliens, and people squinting really hard with their faces turned at an angle to signal that they’re using “mind powers.”

Yeah, that kind of fiction. I have some of it on my site, but I will let you navigate to it on your own.

So how come you’re not published?

Three reasons.

1. Laziness

2. Lack of skill

3. I want to write the kinds of books I want to write

While I do know that if I write something people will show up wanting to read it, I am under no delusions that I am a great writer. If anything, I’m a decent writer going on my way to being good. I have read published books where I look up, bewildered, and say “Who put words all over this toilet paper? I’m a thousand times better than this!” however I don’t think that’s a declaration of skill so much as it is a commentary on the fact that I am sometimes an asshole.

As for the laziness part, it goes back to me knowing people will show up to read what I write. I’m not exactly an internet traffic king, but several thousand different people show up every month to look at what I’ve written. I do not know these people, and have no reason to believe they are people who want to do me a favor, so it’s kind of a difficult hurdle for me to jump when I write a story to say “Hey! I should submit this to a magazine, wait months for a response, and on the off-chance or a positive response get virtually no money for my story so almost no one can read it!”

Instead, I just say “Or… I could just put it up on my website right now, not get paid anyway, and know that a couple thousand people who want to read it, will read it.”

Don’t get me wrong, I do want to be published. I’m just not trying super hard to get there as of this moment. I need to make something I’m personally satisfied with, and I have not done that yet. Yes, I know there’s not some magical “level of authorship” but I’m going to have to trust my judgment on this one. Plus, I don’t have a book to sell. I might as well keep building up an audience in the mean time.

Will you read something I wrote?

*Sigh*

I used to do this, seeing as how it felt kind of weird to say no seeing as how I’m not a pro. I was, generally speaking, very pleased with the level of work people e-mailed to me, and it was nice to be able to give people feedback. I know feedback is nice. Why not give it to someone else?

Time.

Although I love penis jokes, poop jokes, and have the mentality of a seven year old boy I am remarkably busy. I would even go so far as to say that I am “balls busy.”

I have a full time job, two children I have to take care of,* and two adults to take care of.** Oh yeah, and this. I have to write stuff for this. I mean, I don’t HAVE to write stuff for this, but I WANT to write stuff for this because if I don’t gas my crazy a little bit at a time I’m going to start throwing peanut butter at rocks because they’re telling lies about me.

I’m sure whatever you have written is good, and I fully support you getting people to give you feedback, I just personally no longer have time. Maybe one day when I am not so busy we can all be creative best friends, wear scarves and pretentious hats, and talk about “society” by a river somewhere.

*These are not actually my children, they’re my little brother and sister.

**As the two adults have access to credit cards and motorized vehicles, they are remarkably more difficult to watch over than the children.

Do you accept donations?

I did, for about five minutes, and it was awesome.

I stopped for a couple of reasons. I wanted to offer you something tangible even if it was just a token when you were kind enough to send me money, and I wasn’t prepared to do so at that point.

Secondly, it’s very difficult for me to maintain a separate expense account. The “adults” I live with somehow “magically” find a way to have a financial emergency whenever I say… get a bonus at work… or get extra-holiday pay… or you know do anything where it seems for one second like we might be able to get an inch ahead. Since I have yet to fully wrest away control of the finances, this emergency usually jeopardizes the house.

Normally, I would just say “Hey adults! Go fuck yourselves!” However, these adults happen to need my income to keep the house they’re living in, and as that house also contains my little brother and sister, I have to limit myself to prevent such emergency wasteful spending.

I know some of you are going to say “But BC! What about Republican/Conservative Platitude!”

To which I will respond: “Sometimes there’s a big pile of shit in your life. Sometimes it isn’t even your shit, and maybe you didn’t have anything to do with the person who put the shit there… but the only way to get rid of that shit is to grab a spoon and start eating. The shit isn’t going anywhere, so what are you waiting for?”

So yes, I’m sure your platitude has a lot of value and I would love to take time out of my day for you to tell me how you’re morally superior to myself, however I’ve made up my mind about this and how it’s going to impact my life for the next eight or so years.

I don’t mind subsidizing dipshittiness for something I care about. However, I am certainly not going to ask you do to the same.

When the kids are grown up, and I’m living in my crazy cabin in the woods, I will happily accept your donations.

You seem to make fun of yourself a lot, why?

My grandmother told me once that: “When a man is truly master, he need not place himself at the head of the table, for he will be placed there by others.”

I asked her where that was from. She said the Bible. I asked her if she was sure, because I didn’t think it was in the Bible. She said she was sure. We later found a passage that was similar to the one she had recited, but less wise. It was one of those circumstances where someone’s half-memory was better than the actual words being remembered.

The point being, I ramble a lot, have a lot of crazy thoughts, and deserve to be mocked.

Oh, did you think I was going somewhere with that whole Bible thing?

Yeah, that was what we call a red herring.

Does your family hate you/Do you hate your family?

Aside from Rachel, my evil sister, not at all. Well, one of my great aunts is also terribly passive aggressive about the whole thing, but I don’t talk to her anyway.

I know a lot of families get together and eat plain toast around tables with beige table cloths, but that’s not my background. If someone in my family isn’t screaming “Fuck off and die!” at the top of their lungs at every other member of my family, we all get worried and wonder what’s wrong.

I think of my family the same way I think of Glenn Beck. Nice, very sincere, not terribly bright… wait, who gave Glenn Beck a show? What the fuck were they thinking? He’s a moron, that’s why! What? Are you kidding me?! He’s insane! Oh fuck off, Rupert Murdoch, yes we do have a responsibility to judge!

So yeah, I love my mom and dad, I just don’t ask them for a lot of advice… or about anything that has a definite concrete answer that is objectively verifiable… or about their feelings either come to think about it. Maybe they do hate me, in the more than casual way they always have.

That’s a pretty sweet ass banner you have up there, who made it for you?

A reader! Just like you! Well… probably a good bit more talented than you, but still a reader. You get what I mean.

The point being this: if you make me a banner you get the right to tell me what kind of story you want me to write for my next update. The only requirements are that it must be site relevant, and be work safe. Also cool, if that’s possible.

I want to comment on your blogs but am afraid, because I am socially awkward, and also don’t know how to make an avatar.

Wow, way to slip in a declarative sentence in there, you fucking shithead! No, don’t you talk back to me! How fucking dare you try to have a conversation with me, inside of my own FAQ? This is my house, bitch and I’ll thank you to stay out of it… oh what?

Oh, sorry self.

*turns to face the reader

Oh hi! Um… I’m sorry you had to see that. What I was trying to say is this: I’m a pretty open person. I don’t have a lot of hostility unless you’re doing something horrible like actually beating the shit out of a child in front of me, so feel free to comment. I won’t even mind if you want to call me all sorts of horrible names. I certainly won’t jump on you if you tell a joke that falls flat.

Also, if you’d like to make an avatar, just go to gravatar.com and upload one under the e-mail address you use to post here. It’ll show, up shiny and awesome.

How do I get in your link bar?

1. I read your site

2. I like it

I feel like teh internets work best if everyone links to things they like, and because I have a readership I feel I have a moral obligation to share stuff I like with my readers. Also, I am a dick in the sense that I feel all people should like the same things I do.

May I link to you?

Of course not! If you even think about linking your site to mine, I will descend upon you like a thousand snarling hell beasts, snap off whatever genitalia you have with my lobster claws, feed it to Cerberus, and throw your bleeding corpse into the river Styx.

Or you know… go ahead, because it’s much appreciated.

Thank you.

Your penis falls out a lot in your stories, how come?

I walk funny. I don’t really know. All I know is, if my zipper isn’t in tip top shape, my penis will find a way to the outside world.

Andrew/BC Woods! I am a Professional Business Person and want to work with you! How do I contact you?

Firstly, if you worked for my company and caught you reading my site, I would be furious. Secondly, my e-mail address is brandoncwoods@gmail.com

Andrew/BC Woods! I am not a Professional Business Person but love your writing! How do I contact you?

Firstly, do you realize how big the internet is? What the fuck are you doing here? There’s something called TED.com, and you need to go there. After you explore all of that stuff, you may come back, but I hope you don’t. If you love something you have to set it free and that’s how I feel about my readers. Secondly, my e-mail address is brandoncwoods@gmail.com

Thirdly, expect about a month before I get back to you.

Andrew/BC Woods! I am a beautiful/ugly lady who wants to fuck you/cut off your face with a utility knife to show you how much I care! How do I contact you?

I would probably just take a nap. Maybe eat some Tap Ramen, and consider my life choices.

Then of course you make take scandalous photos of yourself and send them to me.*

*Females only please. In the interests of fairness, I will accept photos of some extra-terrestrial genetic males, but only if they actually carry their young in vivo and provide an ovum, despite having a Y chromosome. I am afraid I must refuse all aliens who give birth to their young via eggs. I’m sorry, but lizards creep me out.

I have another FAQ you should answer! Where do I send it?

Leave it here in a comment or e-mail it to me.