Four Star General Updates

Aside from being super busy lately with work and whatnot, I thought I would let you guys know the things I have been thinking about. This is by no means a complete list, but it will give you a rough idea.

Also, stay tuned because I should be doing a very special audio Masterbaterrathon post right around the turn of the year. And yes, it does involve Santa trying to capture me to harvest my superior masturbation genes and sell them to his corporate masters.

PRANKS I HAVE IMAGINED

FIRST PRANK

The other day at work, I came up with, what I feel has the potential to be the best prank call of all time. It requires a bit of work, but I think you’ll agree the pay off is worth every second of preparation.

1.  You have to select a target. Preferably a house wife in her thirties from a middle class family with a strong disposition to believe in the supernatural.

2. You need to perfect a turn-of-the-last-century accent.

3. You need to research a local historical tragedy.

4. While affecting your accent, and while one of your friends crumples paper in the background, call your target and pretend to be someone from the past at the historical tragedy trying to get in touch with the sheriff. Act as though the person on the other end of the line is crazy, make a bunch of authentic old-timey references.

5. Give them a set of facts that slightly contradicts written accounts as to the cause of the old-timey tragedy.

6. When the target keeps insisting you have the wrong number, start screaming about how the old-timey tragedy is happening, and oh God oh God where is the sheriff!?!

7. The target, disturbed, will hang up the phone and come to the inevitable conclusion that ghosts from the past have tried to contact them to set the record straight.

It may be necessary to set a scout at your local library to see if this person tries to access any archival micro-film, and repeat the calls as necessary. You could consume literally months of this person’s life as they try to set the record straight on the old-timey historical tragedy.

SECOND PRANK

In the same vein, I have also thought of another way to get someone to right fictitious wrongs of the past.

1. Get some papers that look like they could be part of a Navy Manual from WWII. Make sure there is only text on one side.

2. On the blank side of said paper, write a long note to a loved one that you will never see me again, as you are lost at sea and barely surviving on some wreckage. Tell your loved one that you never kissed Betty Parker that night at the county fair, and the only reason you ever told her that you did was because you knew in your heart you weren’t ever coming home from this one and you wanted her to move on with no regrets.

3. Find an old lady who is willing to go along with your prank, and address the letter to her with enough information that someone could find her through some relatively simple google searches.

4. Address this letter to the awesome old lady, go to a beach, and drop it there in an old-timey coke bottle.

5. Then, stand back and watch as some young couple sees the bottle, opens it up, and decides that after all this time they have to deliver the message to its intended recipient, the old woman who will tell them she never married because she kept waiting for her love to come back and she could never find another.

This couple will then be forced to love each other much more than they would have otherwise.

CHILDHOOD DREAMS, NAZIS, AND WIZARDS

I’ve been thinking a lot about losing bits of my childhood. One of my childhood dreams was to kill a real live Nazi.

Back in the good old days Nazis were well-educated healthy men in sharp jackets who were so balls evil that you could kill them and never worry about whether or not you’d done the right thing. Now? They’re a bunch of drug-addled guys with bad teeth and worse haircuts who were neglected by their parents and molested by their uncles.

I know a lot of people feel there’s some kind of danger from these “technically people” but every time I see a group of modern Nazis, I can’t help but think I’m seeing the biggest batch of dejected losers in the history of mankind. I could cum a more dangerous and clever adversary than your average modern Nazi.

I used to watch Indiana Jones for hours on end, and just DREAM about all the horrible shit I would do to a Nazi when I was grown into a man. Relating horrible Nazi murder scenarios was one of the few things my father and I could ever relate on. We could go on all day about that kind of shit.

Oh sure, I COULD throw a modern Nazi into an industrial paper shredder, but I don’t think it would be as satisfying. If I got lucky I might be able to find an escaped War Criminal in Brazil, but I think that killing one of those at a hotel breakfast with a melon baller would just feel like killing an old man at a hotel breakfast. I mean, I wouldn’t feel bad about it. After all, the guy was a fucking Nazi… but still. Now that I’m an adult I have to face the truth. I am never going to get to kill a real Nazi and that’s sad.

The best I can hope for is that some incestually spawned skinhead is going to see this and try to start a flame war. And if I kill him I’ll probably be sent to jail and labeled psychotic.

Sigh.

Talk about lowered expectations.

So anyhow, I’ve been thinking about what I could personally do to bring racism back in its glorious old organized and outright evil form.

Now obviously we can’t restart racism based on ethnicity. That’s been tried and done, and I don’t want to put those people through all that shit again.

Which is what made me realize that Wizards haven’t had any horrible shit done to them in a long time. I would like to put fort the following suggestions as things you can personally do to discriminate against Wizards, so that I can murder you later on.

1. “Wizzing the Wizard” This is where you go into a Wizard’s shop/office/house and steal the lid off the tank of his toilet. That’s all there is to it really. Mostly what you’re trying to do here is make the Wizard think about how what seems on the outside to just be a magical pot that makes poop disappear is actually a mechanical device that operates on empirically observable principles. Oh yeah, you fucking Wizards, you know you hate the subtle zing against your belief system.

2. “Science-Shu’ing the Wizard” This is where you break into the Wizard’s shop/office/house and replace all their New Age shit books with technical manuals and books about astronomy. Also when you take their desk toys away and replace them with logic puzzles. If you want to put a copy of Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” on their pillow, so much the better.

3. “Saying ‘Hey Wizard! Fuck you!’” This prank involves you finding a Wizard and saying “Hey Wizard! Fuck you!”

THE CHILDREN ARE GROWING UP

My little sister has taken to screaming “Oh my God! WHO ARE YOU! Someone HELP me!” When I show up and see her sitting idly on her bed practicing her knitting, I always take a few confused beats before asking:

“Is everything okay?”

To which she responds “Oh, I was just acting.”

It frightens me how good she has become at “acting.”

My little brother on the other hand has entered into a tragic mutual crush with a little Mormon girl who is going to have to move away in February. He was going to take her to see “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel,” but she failed to appear.

My mother gave him the following advice “You should spread some rumors to your friends that you don’t even like her anymore, forcing her to come find you.”

To which my step-father guffawed and supplied “You should just totally ignore her and try to date one of her friends, making her jealous.”

Upon hearing which, I stood up, slammed both of their heads together like a cartoon super hero, and told my little brother “If you want the most miserable marriage on Earth, like your parents have, do exactly what they tell you. Otherwise, be honest with your feelings.”

At which point he blinked at me with his large doe-like eyes and said “But BC! You’ve never had any kind of girlfriend at all!”

To which I replied by looking down at my stomach and sighing.

Both of the kids have been going on these long diatribes about how I’m alone, which is remarkably the only thing in the world that actually makes me feel alone.

A PEDOPHILE LOOKS LIKE ME

I have a lot of feelings about this stunning revelation.

Namely, YUCK!

Also, FUCKING YUCK!

All my thoughts more or less continue from there

I think what bothers me most, besides the strange degree to which this man looks like me, as well as the fact that he tried to have sex with a kid, is the lack of craftsmanship. Oh sure, I would never rape a kid. Or a woman. Or a man for that matter… or really anything unless the fate of the world was at stake,* but you can bet your ass if I WAS going to rape someone I would put some thought into it.

I wouldn’t just show up somewhere looking stoned, holding some McDonalds in my hand, going “Derrrrrr….” I would make decoys and tiger pits, and have a nemesis in the FBI who can’t help but praise my skills as a rapist while trying to hunt me down.

“Don’t bother looking for evidence, I’ve been tracking this guy for going on ten years. He’s the best rapist in this country’s history.”

Who will also puff out his mustache when he hears about the latest ways in which I have elevated the status of rape crimes “You can almost admire the sonofabitch.”

So yes, if you look like me please don’t commit any kind of heinous crimes against people who are not Nazis.

*Please note, as it would jeopardize my status as the world’s greatest masturbator, I would never actually rape anyone.

THOUGHTS ON AVATAR

I loved Avatar. I thought it was fantastic, I think, mostly because I went to the theater and just accepted it for what it was: a really great dessert.

Michael Bay is like cheap cotton candy that you get at the carnival that you buy because you’re too sad to look at anymore mentally handicapped ex-vet carnies, and it’s time to indulge your basest cravings. James Cameron, on the other hand, will give you a Coldstone Ice-Cream Masterpiece covered with bits of graham and cinnamon that appeals to your highest senses of fun.

Oh yes, I am aware the Na’vi were a stand-in for the “Na’tives” and not just because the only difference was an apostrophe, three subtracted letters, and one transposition. I am further aware that it is a bit weird, as Annalee Newitz points out, that the guy who isn’t actually a Na’vi gets to become the most awesome Na’vi ever in the course of the film.*

I just wasn’t bothered by it. Why? Because I didn’t ever get the sense that is what the movie was supposed to be. Saying “Avatar failed to address issues of racial perspective in an intellectually satisfying manner” is to me like saying: “This eggroll is the worst spaghetti I’ve ever had!” or “This desk lamp is a piece of shit commentary on the role of panopticism in American society” or “The yodeling of this corn dog fails utterly to explain the historical impact of Dutch nationalism in the 1600′s.”

Yes, I know you can’t just judge things by what they’re supposed to be and everything has a context. Yes, I know that things are connected. However, as someone who has made the Changed Waters of Life, i.e. the Kwisatz Haderach, and seen the universe in its entirety and as someone who knows exactly how far the Pyramid of Abstraction is to be appropriately taken in all cases, in this specific instance I didn’t think it mattered much. Most of the elements I think people found objectionable seemed to be there just so the audience could get a sense of who the “good guys” were and why the “bad guys” were so bad.

Also, I was pleased with the stellar levels of assholedom achieved by the bad guy in Avatar. If I’m not much mistaken, he was the piece of shit coward with the old timey miner hat in “Tombstone.” All I can say, is that man has got some range in playing villains. He can go all the way from toothless bumpkin, to awesome eye-scar badass able to breathe spite for thirty minute intervals with just a change of wardrobe.

*Although, perhaps because one of my best friends is quadraplegic, I didn’t look at Sam Worthington and think “White man!” I looked at him and thought “Paraplegic!”**

**Also, I am probably alone in thinking that in today’s society the differently abled, are discriminated against much more than people based upon their race. Like, I bet if you gave people a poll on a national level they would much rather be Denzel Washington than Stephen Hawking.