Girlfriend Application

Author’s Note: I had a lovely little story outlined for today, about how when I was thirteen, I got locked in a bathroom for six hours with no clothes or towels. I ended up doing yard work instead of writing it. Therefore, you may enjoy this bit of comedy I wrote a year ago, and ponder the reasons I am still single. I know, it’s a cop out but please. I get busy sometimes (not in the good way).

1. Using between five or six thousand words complete an essay on one of the following topics.

a. In “MacGyver” Season 1 Episode 1, what do you think of the character of Pete being cast as an Operations Manager of a defunct research laboratory, only to be brought back in subsequent episodes as the Director of the Phoenix Foundation? What are the ramifications of this later in the series? Make sure to comment on what this means to the internal integrity of the MacGyver universe, and what this teaches us to expect about causal relationships in our own daily existence. In your supporting arguments make sure to include at least cursory overtures to the concepts of non-contradiction, linear time, and string theory.

b. If given the choice would you rather be Al or Sam from “Quantum Leap?” What do you think the relationship between Al and Sam says about the subject of mind vs. body? Of Ego vs. Super ego? Inform your choice by drawing upon the works of Freud, related philosophical and psychological topics, and citing supporting examples from the television series.

c. In “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home” Captain Kirk and his crew travel backwards in time in a captured Klingon cruiser to obtain a pair of whales to save their future version of Earth. How did this movie impact the way you felt about the environment? What do you think about the fate of marine life in future society, and how do you feel the needs of humans should be weighed against the needs of animals? Draw supporting elements from the movie and existing scholarly literature to structure your argument.

Suggested titles of this essay would be “Conservation in Science Fiction,” “The Enterprise and the Environment,” or “Space Whales IV: The Need for Whales in Space.”

NOTE: Submissions lacking citations in MLA format will be rejected without further inspection.

2. Are you conversational in zebrafish development? If I ask you to identify the homologue of the dorsal lip of the zebrafish blastopore in a chick embryo, how long would it take you to reply: “Henson’s node?”

While no documentation of this knowledge is required, those passing the first stage of the interview process will be given a short six and a half hour test in Developmental Biology in general and zebrafish development in particular.

Applicants passing this stage of the review process will then be asked to perform a necropsy on an animal of their choice, and elaborate on the embryological origins of each structure therein. No notes may be used in the taking of this test, although pictures of vital staining experiments performed upon similar animals can be used to show the importance of various chemical signaling pathways during development.

3. Have you been trained in “Bladed Combat?” I don’t know why this is important to me, but a guy who was “trained in bladed combat since the age of six” once threatened my life over myspace, and I think I might need someone to protect me from him. Out of boredom, I gave him my name, address, and home phone number to see if he would actually come over. I’m still waiting. In case he ever does show up, I’ll need someone to be there to duel him.

Please include a letter of recommendation from an accredited “sensei” speaking to your expertise in bladed combat in particular, and the excellence of your character in general.

4. Are you aware of the fact that all Polar Bears are left-handed? How do you feel this issue is being ignored by current wildlife charities? Do you think that right-handed Polar Bears are being discriminated against? If Polar Bears could play baseball, do you think this chirality would negatively impact the sport?

While is it of course entirely possible that all the aspects of baseball that are right-hand influenced would be preserved merely switching the locations of first and third base, what are your thoughts outside of this? In fact, how would you motivate the Polar Bears to play the game in general? Your report on this topic should include several annotated diagrams and the signature of at least three accredited zoologists or animal behavior specialists.

5. When shaking someone’s hand have you ever become overwhelmed with the desire to squeeze until they fall to the floor? Do you ever then feel compelled to yell “KNEEL BEFORE ME SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!” If not, why not?

6. Hypothetically, one day the world decides to disarm itself of all nuclear weapons. To do this, all warheads will be launched at the moon in such a fashion as to create craters in the shape of one famous person’s face on the lunar surface. Whose face should be nuclearly etched on the surface of the moon? Support your answer with a photo-shopped picture of what the moon would look like with your choice’s face cratered into it.

NOTE: All choices that are not, me, Milton Friedman, Baron Verulam, Grape Soda, or Jon Stewart will be considered discorrect. The quality of “discorrectness” will be defined at a later date depending on the excellence and originality of your choice. As in the case of grape soda, any object as great or greater will automatically be granted personhood in the eyes of the review panel.

7. What was better in your mind, “Dune” the sci-fi miniseries or “Dune: The Movie” as directed by David Lynch? If you answered the former rather than the latter, why is it that you should not be violently murdered by a roaming gang of Arab speaking Polish Zombies?

NOTE: To those who might protest that “Zombies don’t speak, they only moan,” I feel it unnecessary to explain that there is a difference between a Polish and Arabic moan. If you do not understand this difference you do not deserve to be my girlfriend.

HINT: Arabic Zombie’s sound angry when they moan. Polish Zombies just sound dumb. In fact, it is quite difficult to discern a Polish Zombie from a regular Polish person, which is why for the sake of safety their entire country should be wiped off the face of the Earth in case of a Zombie epidemic. Maybe the Dutch as well. That nonsense they call language could also be undead whispering.

8. What are your feelings on the Axiom of Design as it applies to the set designs on “Stargate: Sg-1.” Do you find the “Imagineering” of alien technology to be somewhat ridiculous in this series?

Why does Daniel Jackson always get to have the mind powers? Seriously, he has Ascended, what? twice now? He’s developed awesome alien powers like five times… isn’t it about time for him to share the mind power wealth? I mean… fuck, it’s getting old.

NOTE: All applicants should compile at least one petition with no less than ten-thousand signatures supporting the renewal of this series.

9. Share a story about how using a Swiss Army knife, your unwillingness to be defeated, and your immediate surroundings, you have overcome adversity. Find a way for appropriate theme music to play while I read your response.

Any music that does not cause me to nod my head in a manner that says “Fuck yeah!” is not considered appropriate theme music. Further, if your musical selection inspires me to do something that I fail at your application will be summarily discarded.

10. Hypothetically, some asshole comes up to you and says “Hey fuck head! Superman isn’t even real! You need to get out of your fucking house more! You’re a loser! You’re just sitting inside that small room all day wasting your life away, fuck you man… you used to have talent!”

Hypothetically… you proceed to become totally pissed off, going so far as to offer pulling out your entire collection of Justice League Unlimited DVD’s to explain exactly why Superman IS so totally cool, you stupid asshole.

The asshole then goes on to point at the hypothetical cardboard cut out of Superman behind you, and makes fun of you for hypothetically owning JLU DVD’s in the first place. To make matters worse, the asshole refuses to acknowledge that “JLU” is a totally acceptable acronym for “Justice League Unlimited.”

Hypothetically, why are you totally in the right? Why is the other person a complete sack of shit?

SUBMISSION PROCESS:

Applications may be submitted by any of the following four methods:

1. Carrier Pigeon

2. Catapult

3. Special consideration will be given to those applications that are attached in letter form to an arrow and shot by a marksman defending a noble people oppressed by a greedy ruler.

4. E-mail