A few updates.
1. I am still the most efficient person at my job ever.
2. I am tired and brain-fried as hell because of this.
3. I am writing a story where someone uses a banana as a bookmark, because I did this the other day and it seemed like a good idea for those books that just won’t stay flat when you open them. It will also be about murder and acrobatic shadows. I hope.
Did I mention I have really great stuff now? Really. I do. Great stuff. I just wish I had time to enjoy it. Luckily, I have scheduled time for this at the end of March, where I will no doubt EXPLODE with creative energy.
Now, for a very important vote. I had a beard once. In high school. It was a shitty beard. A very shitty beard, and it made me look like a discontent Russian poet who hated society. Should I regrow this beard over my break? Vote yes or no.
Remember: my beard is in your hands.
Here are some photographs to help you decide what you could be gaining/losing in a blogger/emotional cripple.
Comrade BC Woods, Age 19
Serial Killery Pedophiley Looking BC Woods, Age 24
I will photograph my beard should you choose to vote it into existence. I’m hoping this time around it will make me look like a hale sea captain full of vim and vigor.
Where do you work? I am in the dark here. And the dark sucks hippo balls.
Don’t do it! Say no to the beard!
The beard is made of awesome. Admittedly, I like Russian literature/poetry.
Go for the beard. It adds character.
I vote beard as long as you don’t also make the move to shitty hipster glasses.
I vote beard simply because it would look awesome. I also vote you purchase a peg leg.
Go with the beard. If it doesn’t work out, shave it into racing stripes!
A peg leg? We can vote for surgery? All those stories I voted for when I could have picked chosen a hook…
I vote for the beard!
Beard.
Team Beard!
Beard, due to the fact it makes you look larger and thus discourages predation against you.
Beard, but also the caveat that it should be a full blown ZZ Top style beard.
Here is the guideline.
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1802219
Eh, actually you look more like a pedophile WITH the beard at 19 than without it at 24. I love beards, but I think you’re one of those people who probably looks better without it. Also, there’s a decent chance if you work in an office that they might make you shave it if it doesn’t look “professional” enough.
When approached with the question “should I grow a beard” my answer is almost always yes. As someone with a beard I can attest to their greatness, do it.
@Clayton
In a secret floating laboratory where I work with human/bear hybrids to track the unhappiness of the world.
@Ashlyn
What if I went for a full yeard?
@di’Taykan
I’m going to go for what I call “The Half Rothfuss” or “The Full Sea Captain” also equivalent to the “3/4 Galifanakis.”
@Icyclectic
I also need a cool super long scar on my face like the evil guy from Avatar.
@PikaPikaChik
Don’t worry, I only like old man glasses.
@DJ
So long as I don’t have to wear said peg leg, that is fine. I WAS thinking more along the lines of thick blue wool coat with brass buttons, a captain hat, and a stout cane.
@Red
I can’t even pull off sunglasses let alone racing stripes for a beard.
@EmperorGum
Have you ever seen a movie or something from the 70′s and you see a kid with a prosthetic… and it’s a hook hand. And I’m like “Really? That’s the best we could do 40 years ago? They just strapped a giant fucking hook to some kids arm?”
@Rachel
I think the beards have it at this point.
@Eileen
I’ll make sure to take a picture of it in all its beardy glory.
@Andrea
That’s a great team to be a part of.
@Clayton
That is a very wise observation. It’s why I walk up with my arms over my head banging two sticks together.
@Tech Support
What if I just oiled it and put in one of those biblical golden beard substrate things?
@meggiemarin
Very helpful.
@Impassioned
Why thank you. It is good to see, however, that you will agree that I look like a pedophile at both ages.
@matt
Do you feel as a bearded American that you are better at panning for gold and navigating by the stars than unbearded Americans?
I vote for the beard. Just think of all the stories you can write while you’re NOT shaving……
If you really want to look like a pedophile you need one of these beards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15S0g8pG6HU
That’s not what I meant! I don’t think you look like a pedophile without the beard, but you kinda do with it. Um… I’m going to shut up before I dig myself a deeper hole…
@BC Woods
Hey, it worked for Australopithecus and still works for chimps and gorillas
today. Both banging sticks together and having body hair. But don’t pull down your pants and begin chucking feces at an aggressive dog threatening you. Wait, that is genius! Retarded genius.
This may prove useful for beard choice: http://9gag.com/photo/19201_540.jpg.
I think you will find the beard you are capable of growing now will be far less patchy than the one you had at 19. It will also help define your jawline. Team Beard here all the way!
Hmm… if Shaw shaw is right then perhaps the beard isn’t a bad idea. Ok, I think my vote is to try it out and see how it goes, but shave it if you end up looking like a pedophile. *nods* Oh, and post pictures.
@BC Woods
Acceptable but less awesome. Much less awesome.
I’m actually hoping you can manage to get the Commander Riker look. I have yet to see one of those beards on a guy where it didn’t look right.
Just say no to the beard! unless you want to be called Alexander Pushkin…and I will forever refer to this blog as “the blog I read that is written by Alexander Pushkin…I mean BC Woods” and my friends who get it will laugh and my friends who don’t will look at me like I’ve been shooting up heroin…
@Melanie
Just wait till I stop ballscaping. That will save me like a good ten minutes a week.
@Trevor
Do you know if they sell gold miner beards?
@Impassioned
I’m just screwing you… you know screwing with you? Like if you were a kid or something.
@Clayton
But in a fight am I still allowed to smash the jaws of enemies before tearing off their hands and genitals?
@IcyClectic
That will be very helpful indeed, sir.
@ShawShaw
What would you describe as the political relationship between Team Beard and Team Jacob?
Yes, I know what Team Jacob is, I have a little sister after all.
@Impassioned
Yeah, I’ll definitely post it in all of its beardy glory.
@Tech
What if it happens later on by accident if I lose my job and become really really depressed and stop trimming?
@ShawShaw
I’ll get a suit to aid the illusion.
@London
That’s a great Pushkin reference, although I survived the only duel in which I was ever involved.
Also, you have friends who read this blog? Really?
Def yes to the beard. I just finished beards til march with 4 months of no trimming the beard, and I can def say beard is the way to live.
@BC Woods
Then in that case it becomes much more awesome. But only if you’re really really depressed.
Go with the beard. Your current look is altogether too amiable.
I think a beard makes you look more mature … and tougher-looking.
@Indy
I am already starting to feel more comfortable with nautical terms after only four days!
@Tech Support
Don’t worry, if I ever start to despair I’ll make sure my beard is filled with the unpleasant odors of old milk and beer.
@JoJo-JaJumbo
“altogether too amiable”
Would it be unfair of me to ask if you are British?
@BC Woods
I want to your anti-unhappiness trollocs to invade. NOW.
If you ever feel the beard isn’t working, re-up dedication at http://thebeardly.blogspot.com I go there often to remind myself a man doesn’t grow a beard, a beard grows a man.
i outvote everybody, and i say no beard. okay, my ineffectual protest is no to the beard. it’s a writer cliche. a better facial modification would be joker scars, or a mike tyson-esque face tattoo. downplays the pedophile but escalates the serial killer. always a bigger hit with the ladies.
Wow. How inspiring.
@BC Woods
I saw this and thought of you:
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/8893190
@Clayton
Who would win in a fight: a Trolloc or a Care Bear?
@IndyTruks
As a fast-hair grower the beard is going well so far. Perhaps a few spots haven’t filled out as much as they might have, but I see victory on the horizon! Victory over the pink cheeks!
@Andrea
I try.
@Tech
Wow, I haven’t been so honored since I got that e-mail that said “Every time I think about killing myself, I think about you, and I feel better.”
@erin
I can’t believe I skipped you! And it was totally by accident, I swear.
On one hand, you’re just one person, but on the other hand your mom is rooting for us to one day get together and bone, which does give your vote more weight.
How’s this: If we ever meet, I will let you shave off my beard if you so desire.
@BC Woods
If I were less lazy I’d make a wallpaper out of it for your desktop.
Remember: “A beard is not a substitute for a jawline no matter how you trim it!”
Anyone?
(grumbles) I’m probably the only Venture Bros. fan in this joint.
But I do vote Beard for president!
8| wow dude, that was news to me.
oh, but i’m always up for playing sweeney todd, so the shaving scenario works. ;D
@BC
um…’scuse, if I may…you seem to have stripped my machinations of all their subtlety and complexity. ‘:[
@BC Woods
Trollocs (nine feet animal-man hybrid, eats and rapes humans and are just all different kinds of amazingly terrifying) are excellent fighters but terrible soldiers, if the Trollocs had some leadership and allies like Darkhounds (giant hell-wolves on cocaine) and the command of some Myrdraal (Scary ass pale dudes with no eyes who can see incredibly well, acidic blood that can eat through steel and can hide and kill things very well), they could defeat the Care Bears and their lovable caring and positive emotions. But the question would be; what role would the Care Bear Cousins play? I think they would betray themselves to the Dark One’s side and become His loyal servants.
@Tech Support
If I were less lazy I would…. eh… fuck it. I’m going to grow my beard some more.
@Jessica
It would have been funnier if my jawline were not already a masculine thing that is wondrous to behold.
@erin
Don’t you ever feel her subtly trying to push us together? Weak, but like gravity, in that she’s doing it all the time. Not “doing it” but you know… the… well… I guess it makes me feel awkward.
Much like having you shave my face would be awkward.
@Eileen
I’m sorry, but it was time she knew the truth.
@Clayton
Never EVER underestimate the power of a Care Bear Countdown. One time Sarte was sitting around thinking about how life is just chemicals wandering around with no purpose and then BAM! Richard Simmons.
I vote beard. And wow, you need a girlfriend.
i can honestly plead ignorance on this one- she musta just been trying to wear YOU down. not surprised though, mummy does like to play matchmaker sometimes.
and as far as awkward goes, you don’t even wanna KNOW. there would be eye contact and everything. and “poker face” by lady gaga playing in the background. or maybe “floyd the barber” by nirvana. definitly candles though.
All this talk of shaving beards reminds me of a riddle:
“Suppose in a town there is a barber who shaves everyone who does not shave themselves. Who shaves the barber?”
+1 beard. +1 love the Russian poet look.
The barber is from out of town?
No, that couldn’t be it.
Just so we’re clear, I’m leaving the answer to BC because he should know it.
@tom
My right hand is more woman than you could possibly imagine.
@erin
How groomed should my hair be ideally? Like “short with a big of shag” or like “racist dad from the 1950′s” short?
@Tech Support
If I am not mistaken, that is very much like the question at the beginning of the movie “Labyrinth” where there is one thingamabob that can tell only the truth and the other that can only lie so you have to make them reference one another.
Except in this case it’s the opposite because if the barber does shave himself then he cannot possibly shave himself, because then he would be one of the people in the town excluded from his services. However if he doesn’t shave himself then he must shave himself in which we then again come to the same problem as before. So instead of using the reference to reach an elimination that gives an output, we get an impossibility.
Thank you David Bowie!
Also, I can’t grow hair on my philtrum. I am going to call it the reverse Hitler.
@Kibrika
Just to let you know I haven’t forgotten you! I plan to get some recording software soon and then we can make a podcast together if you still want.
@Melanie
It’s a self-reference thing. It took me a bit too, but then I was talking about Labyrinth today at work and it came to me.
@Tech
Because I love bad movies? Or just because I know weird things?
You should know that I fervently believe that the longer and wilder your beard grows, the more you will become an invicible fighting machine for the forces of good (affording you powers similar to those of the villian in this ridiculous fight sequence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHLf887xvQs&feature=player_embedded). Of course, he opted for the wil-hair approach with no beard, which obviously gave him the same awesome powers, only to be used for the forces of darkness. And then you have folks like Terry Goodkind (sporting both a pretty magnificent beard and a pretty nasty ponytail), who are greatly to be feared, because you never know at the start of the day whether the beard or the hair is winning the apocalyptic spiritual battle within.
@BC Woods (also regarding your twitter feed – which I am considering getting solely so I can more easily comment on your twitter feed).
I expected you to get it because of Math and not Movies (although it is an acceptable source (mainly because I watch too many movies)) nor because of Programming (although assuming you took any logic courses this should have been brought up).
The riddle is actually an instance of Bertrand Russel’s Paradox concerning Frege’s set theory and how it is inconsistent. The more “mathy” version of the riddle is “Suppose there is a set that contains all sets that do not contain themselves, does this set contain itself?”
So the riddle actually has no answer?
(Yes, I’m blond, why do you ask?)
Technically, the answer is that there is no answer, or rather that the riddle is a paradox (and subsequently can have no answer). Although, strictly speaking it is not (un)decidable whereas the Halting Problem is undecidable.
Here’s a riddle that DOES have an answer:
How are a raven and a desk alike?
They both hated Edgar Allen Poe.
The answer I had in mind was, “Edgar Allen Poe wrote on both.”
He must have had a hard time writing on a raven. Well, a hard time and a bloody hand.
I just shaved after attempting to cultivate some facial hair, as I was starting to get some stares from people like I would pounce on their children and eat them. I feel like a hypocrite. In my defense, my skin was attempting to try and rebel and start becoming oily so I kind of had no options. Also, just to throw it out there as some self-deprecating humor, I am one of those guys who grows not hair, but FUR. Like, if I don’t shave, I may get shot at by big game hunters looking to kill a Bigfoot… for science! I can’t take such a risk.
oh, barber. poor bearded son of a bitch. wait, that would STILL mean he doesn’t shave himself. he can’t even have a face. there IS no barber. 0_o but there has to be…
i hate turning my brain inside out, i’m just gonna focus on hotdogs and getting off from now on. also, BC: a little scruff is fantastic. just make sure it looks like you grew it because you wanted to look good, not because you were too lazy to shave. the jawline is the natural border that separates sexy ruggedness from a schitzotypal aversion to hygeine.
The barber is a woman, y’all.
@erin
The barber is the little death, it is the mind killer.
@Andrea
If the barber were a woman, she’d be called a stylist.
@Andrea
I’m waiting until it’s a bit thicker, but mostly it’s making me feel very unkempt. I’ll let everyone vote on it when its “done” hopefully after my next story update.
@Tech
I have spent too much time nerding out with you in the past few days. I must work!
@Melanie
Don’t be ashamed that you don’t find the answers to things you have to be very technically minded to know.
@Clayton
One day, my friend, your beard will be ready and when you find one another you’ll see that the wait was worth it.
@erin
I will do so. Also, if I trim my beard to your standards can we eat hot dogs together while getting off? Just saying, quid pro quo and such.
@Andrea
There is no barber.
@BC
What is this work thing? There is never too much nerding out to be had.
I vote no beard, but it appears I am too late to save you from the fate of so many who have gone before. Large, intimidating looking men, especially those from Northwest logging towns, should avoid facial hair at all costs. Likewise flannel shirts and caulked boots, unless you are going out to beat the holy hell out of someone at a bar in Oregon while your artsy, wimpy, brother watches, in which case you are stuck in a Ken Keasy novel and it doesn’t matter.
agreed. but only side by side with no touching.
@KevinC
Holy crap, that is how I live every day of my life.
@Tech
Work is what you do when nerding out makes you feel socially cumbersome. Thus, you do work to prove you have a place in society.
@KevinC
I’m actually not intimidating though. I think it’s because I have cartoonish features.
@erin
Done and done. Also, no weird commentary. And soft music in the background to cover any unpleasant noises.
@Clayton
Where abouts are you anyway?
@BC
When I need to prove things I just bust out Induction or Predicate Logic. Always works for me. None of this work stuff you speak of.