Live-Blogging Sci-Fi Fridays with BC Woods

Imagine my surprise last Saturday, when I opened my myspace inbox and people were wondering why I had not live-blogged Battlestar Galactica. And by people, I mean person, as in one lone individual, speaking on behalf of absolutely no one else, expressing solely her own opinion, representing no social trend of any kind. Well Mrs. Mango-Love, for your benefit and the benefit of “absolutely no one else” I will live-blog all of Sci-Fi Friday, and will do so until the conclusion of BSG!*

I also plan on blogging a lot more often, maybe I’ll start a poor advice column called “The Voice of Inexperience” where I’ll answer your romantic questions, give reviews of books and things I like, stories about my family, top ten pieces and whatever else I can do that doesn’t suck.* So Mrs. Mango-Love (as you are probably the only person still reading this) prepare thyself! For in what follows I will ask great and terrible philosophical questions that have the potential to undo the fabric of your mind.*

When the hour draweth near, click the button, for all that follows shall be hidden from scornful eyes after the jump.*

Doctor Who

I’ve been a fan of Doctor Who since I never found an archive of all the Doctor Who episodes on-line a year and a half ago and never downloaded them, and never watched them, as that would have been extremely illegal. Extremely. So I never did it. Ever. Ever.

Perhaps because I grew up in a redneck unsophisticated environment I have always suffered from Brittanoclassophobia,* and it is this condition that turned me onto British sci-fi. To this day if I can’t hear someone speak with a thick Londoner accent, I sweat profusely, suffer from shaky hands, and have nightmares about being attacked by knights.

Time 7:00PM Mountain Time

This was a pretty dumb idea. What the hell kind of demographic am I trying to reach with this anyway? Anyhow, opening credits are rolling, Tardis is falling through the Time Vortex, awesome “WOO OOH OOH” sound is playing. Yada yada yada.

Time 7:01PM

Dr. Who just used the Sonic Screwdriver to open a door and he’s going to a conference about weight loss. That chick he rescued at the beginning of season 3 is back. Is it wrong I find her so attractive? Yeah, weird, I know. I don’t like super attractive people. There’s a sweet spot people hit where they look real. Ooh, they just used the word lipase.

Time 7:04PM

Looks like we’ve got some evil diet pills… and some shitty bonus pendants when you buy the pills. Bride lady is going to join in on the action too looks like.

Time 7:05PM

Some chick just gave Dr. Who her phone number. Hahaha! How clueless. Doesn’t she know Time Lords have hearts of stone?

Time 7:06PM

Apparently, when you take the diet pills you lose the weight all at once and it escapes your house and bounces away as little fat aliens.

Time 7:07PM

They used the word Parthenogenesis! Wow, someone really brushed up on their bio terms for this episode. I have to say I’m pretty impressed. Ugh, the fat creatures are crawling off a woman’s stomach. UGH! One crawled off her ass. Unnecessary. Extremely unnecessary!

Time 7:09PM

The fat woman just exploded into a bunch of little fat aliens and Donna (the red head) is pretty dumb founded by it. Were to God that it were that easy to lose weight. I need to make a joke pretty soon.

Time 7:12PM

Commercial. Do you ever wonder if there’s a bizzaro version of you somewhere in the world? I figure mine’s a black woman named AD Forest who writes under the name Peter Anderson, has a super functional family, and is best friends with her older brother. Also, she’s a closet drinker, gets laid all the time, hates sci-fi, and has a natural charisma that makes her attractive to people.

Also, is there anything more depressing than a commercial for a community college?

Time 7:14PM

Donna’s mother is yelling at her for not having a real job. SHE’S HUNTING ALIENS YOU OLD HAG! Give her a break. I bet she’ll save London before the day’s done.

Time 7:17PM

I would give just about anything to own a Tardis. Number of doors opened with Sonic Screw Driver: 3

Time 7:18PM

4 Doors opened with Sonic Screw Driver

Time 7:20PM

The girl who tried to give the Doctor her phone number has just been arrested.

Time 7:21PM

Commercial. You know why I’ve been feeling off today? I had coffee for the first time ever. How the fuck do you people drink that swill? I felt like I was sucking on the asshole of someone who had been eating grass mulch, briquettes, and tree bark for the last nine years. It was horrible… but I kept drinking it because it made me feel so alert. It was like my peripheral vision kept expanding and I could notice everything. Now I just feel like hell. I smelled a can of Folgers grounds when I got home from the Starbucks and I wretched. Horrible.

I wonder what would happen if I took aspirin? I’ve never done that either.

Time 7:24PM

Transition shit is happening. You know what would really pick me back up? If the Doctor went on a spiel about how glorious and eternal he is. It always invigorates me when he does that.

Time 7:25PM

Evil fat pill lady is spawning the little fat aliens for the purpose of world domination. Ooh they’re calling the the fat thingies Adipose another good bio term.

The Doctor just spotted Donna. They’ve have a conversation by mouthing at each other. Which I’m missing because I’m typing this. You owe me one Mango-Love. This activity is destroying my viewing experience.

There! Jesus, I think some really clever British humor was just dropped and I missed it.

Time 7:27PM

Donna is walking up some stairs to meet the Doctor.

Doctor has been met.

He’s wearing the same suit as when they met. Thank God he has a Companion again. He needs someone to lean on. It must be tough being a Time Lord without a Companion. Or an actor pretending to be a Time Lord without an actor pretending to be a Companion.

Time 7:29PM

The evil fat pill lady has a Sonic Screw Driver? This is BULLSHIT! And now the Doctor can’t use his to open up a window. And now I’m horribly pissed. Oh yeah, Donna is dangling by a steel cable from one of those little Window Washer doo dads from the top of a sky scraper.

Time 7:30PM

Okay everyone, relax. The Doctor just used his Screw Driver to knock the evil lady’s Screw Driver out of her hands. Did you hear that? Relax. Let your heart slow down. Donna is being rescued. See? She’s safe, and she’s getting off on the danger just like a proper Companion. Back to normal folks. Nothing to see here.

Time 7:32PM

Evil Lady has been hired by adult Adiposians to grow baby Adiposians. Doctor Who is pissed because “Seeding a Level 5 Planet is against Galactic Law.”

You know what I have to say Evil Lady. You’re a fucking slutty cunt and I hope you get AIDS and choke to death on jism.

Time 7:34PM

Commercial. I have nothing intelligent to say so: ass, asshole, bitch, bastard, cunt, dike, dick, fuck, fuckers, fucker, god damn it, hell, kike, lesbian, muff, n***er, penis, queef, shit, vagina, xxx

I’m out of curses. Nevermind, I feel something building.

FUCK COFEE! IT’S HORRIBLE FUCKING SWILL THAT PLAYS WITH YOUR BRAIN CHEMICALS AND LEAVES YOU A HOLLOW WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING!

Time 7:37PM

Let’s be honest, my higher brain functions are completely gone at this point. Donna, do you hear me you sexy red headed, middle-aged vixen? I would ravage you. Sexually. For hours. And hours. With the abandon of a wild animal.

Oh, and the Doctor is trying to alert the Shadow Proclamation and that kind of shit.

Time 7:39PM

Donna just told the Doctor she wanted to be his new Companion, the Doctor is having commitment issues again, and the evil lady is turning on something that will create thousands of new Adiposians.

Time 7:41PM

Just so we’re clear the fat guys look like little balls of dough. Oh, and someone owes the Pillsbury people some residuals for this. Heck, I’d go through this process to lose some wait. Now the evil lady is turning on some kind of signal that makes everyone spawn Adiposians. Hot Red Head just handed the Doctor something that let him over ride the signal. Oh, and I would still ravish you Donna. Damn if i wouldn’t. God damn right I would. Me and you. About fifteen minutes. No more.

Time 7:43PM

The beginning letter of each sentence of the previous update spells “JOHN HODGMAN.”

Time 7:44PM

Victory is mine.

Time 7:45PM

The adult Adiposians showed up and they’re shooting blue lights down on the infants that make them fly up to the mother ship. The Doctor just realized something we won’t be told until the commercial ends.

Time 7:46PM

Commercial. Do you ever wonder what’s at the end of the Universe? I mean, the Universe exploded out from some singularity, and expanded outward. Before that there wasn’t even space. So what happens when you look past the end of space? What is there? Oblivion? Unbeing?

A lot of people think they can imagine unbeing by thinking of pure white or pure black. But that’s just us representing vacuum isn’t it? Vacuum is still space. Wouldn’t real unbeing look like the clarity of glass as far as the eye can see? Just nothing. Aboslutely nothing, forever and ever.

Also, I don’t think I’m ever going to have coffee again.

Time 7:49PM

The Doctor is going to let the Adiposians go because they’re just children. They really are pretty cute when you look at them. I would like to keep one as a pet. Maybe get a doggy door for it, let it sleep in a little blanket at the end of the bed. I’d pet it and name it Rufus.

Time 7:50PM

The Doctor tried to save the evil lady because the Adult Adiposians were going to kill her to cover up the scam. She refused, and she died. I think she had it coming.

Time 7:51PM

Donna is unpacking a bunch of stuff to go with the Doctor in the Tardis. The Doctor is having second thoughts and explaining how mysterious and horrible it is to be a Time Lord. God I love this shit. I can feel the life force flowing back to me. I’m like a being of pure energy who feeds upon the emotional turmoil of Time Lords.

The Doctor turned from sad to happy and said Donna can come with him. Okay, I’ve fed now. I’ feeling substantially more normal.

Donna, we can have dinner first before we carry this thing any further. Shh! Don’t say anything. I saw the way you were looking at me through the television. You can’t hide that kind of fire.

Time 7:54PM

What the Fuck?!? Rose is back? Donna just looked at her and Rose turned toward the screen.

I should feed on something other than the distress of a Time Lord before BSG starts.

Time 7:58PM

Thank God I decided to browse the internet for a two minutes instead of eating. Doctor who wasn’t quite over. Donna is waving good bye to her Grandfather from inside the Tardis (which her Grandfather is observing through his telescope.)

Battlestar Galactica

If you have a complaint, I would just search my myspace friends for Mango-Love and send off an angry, angry e-mail.

Time 8:00PM Mountain Time

Depending on how this whole coffee thing affects me next week, I think I’m only going to be doing BSG live-blogging from now on.

Time 8:02PM

I sense Tyrol is going to grow a shame beard within the next few commercial breaks. If he does grow one, I am of the opinion he will look a good deal like a curmudgeon old sailor, whose face has been worn haggard from years spent at sea.

The sea as we all know, is a harsh harsh mistress.

Also there’s a service going on for Callie. People are saying a bunch of shit that sounds dumb by virtue of the fact that it was written to sound deep. Roslin is going on and on about how she’s going to die. Selfish whore. I think I’ve really turned against her these past few episodes.

Time 8:04PM

Saul is going to go talk to Caprica Six. Her request to see Helo’s child has been denied. Tigh is seeing his wife projected onto Six’s body. Weird music is playing. I predict a profound man slap from Tigh to her before the end of the episode.

Time 8:06PM

Tyrol is having an identity crisis. I think they’re all having an identity crisis. Basically, a circle jerk of identity where it’s very confusing, upsetting, and you leave it not really sure if you’re gay or not… just always wondering… always letting it eat away at the back of your mind…. and…

God damn it I fucking hate coffee.

Time 8:08PM

Commercial. Tigh, Tori, Tyrol. Three of the four known final five cylons all have T names. Coincidence? Probably, but this is a commercial break and I have decided that commercials are the place for wild speculation.

Maybe the space of the universe is laid out kind of like a magnetic field around a point charge, where it all bends back so that if you travel toward Oblivion, you really just loop back around, traveling along the rim of the Universe as you try to exit where space has thus far expanded.

I really should make friends with an astro-physicist so I don’t have to ponder these things alone.

Time 8:12PM

Baltar is laying on a bed in his sex cult. Tori is screwing Baltar pretty regularly now apparently. I don’t like her anymore. I think it’s the coffee. It’s making me feel racist. Did you hear that America? Coffee causes racism!

Time 8:13PM

Someone threw a gas grenade into Baltar’s sex cult. A bunch of guy’s are breaking shit now. Just please god, someone rescue the kid. Please. Remember the kid who is being emotionally traumatized? Someone grab him and run away.

Time 8:15Pm

Baltar hid from the attack like a true man. I bet he gets laid ten times for his bravery.

Time 8:16PM

We have a go for shameful facial hair.

Time 8:17PM

Apparently Tyrol screwed up repairs on Race Track’s ship. She had to crash land it.

Time 8:18PM

Baltar has reported the attack on his sex cult to the authorities. He found a pagan symbol in the hands of one of his older sex cult ladies. I think she’ll be ex-communicated because no one wants to have sex with her.

Time 8:19PM

MacGurski (the lazy mechanic) has just been ordered out of the Raptor that Tyrol broke for trying to help Tyrol. Race Track is okay.

Time 8:20PM

Baltar is giving a speech on religious tolerance. You can practically see all the women sucking his dick. Okay, now he’s defiling a shrine to the Lords of Kobol. I think he’s getting anal now.

Time 8:22PM

Commercial. You know, maybe it’s just because I’ve been typing this whole time but there sure don’t seem to be many commercials on the sci-fi channel and they sure don’t seem to last very long.

What random thought can I have now? Everything coming to the fore seems so… rational and connected to what has come before.

Ooh! Ooh! Mac Ads! John Hodgman is on getting counseled about his inferiorities as a PC. My ass was just saved by that one.

I tell ya Mr. Hodgman, I feel like a real JAFO sometimes when I write these things.

Time 8:25PM

Roslin looks horrible with straight hair. Like an office administrator who’s trying to get “hip” and relate to her employees, who all secretly hate her. Yup. I can hear her employees hollow laughter every time I calculate the curl of her straightened locks.

Time 8:27PM

Roslin just called a spade a spade and referred to Batlar’s “ladies” as weird sex cult people. All right, I forgive you for the hair.

Time 8:29PM

Tigh is talking to Caprica Six again, and having identity issues. Tyrol is apparently refusing to sleep and burying himself in his work. Who is taking care of his kid? Honestly, Cylon or not you have responsibilities. Caprica Six is going on and on about how she’s a person. Tigh keeps seeing his dead wife when he looks at her. Maybe his wife was actually an old model six? I don’t know what this means. If his wife was a cylon did she know it? And didn’t Baltar test her for silica pathways way back in season one?

Time 8:30PM

Oh no. Roslin’s wearing a wig. Now I feel horrible. Maybe by hating her hair I was really hating the fact that she was going to die.

She’s doing a very good job of threatening Baltar with the whole “I’m dying, have no earthly concerns left, so shape the fuck up” spiel. I’ll tell you what, that woman can really threaten to shove someone out an air lock with the best of them.

Time 8:32PM

Adama is doling out the same kind of wise advice he gives in “Stand and Deliver.” Not many people know that in the script notes Olmos’ character in that movie was actually Adama after he arrived on Earth. That’s right. When they get to Earth, Adama ends up teaching Calculus at inner city high schools.

Tyrol is claiming he settled for Callie. He plays a good drunk. Calling her stupid, ugly, saying she smelled like grease and such. Wow, this is some emotionally cutting shit.

Tyrol has been reassigned for being such an asshole about the Adama/Roslin affair.

Time 8:36PM

Commercial. Did you ever notice the people on Stargate Atlantis always have very well gelled hair? Despite the fact that they brought limited supplies with them to Atlantis? Well I smell a conspiracy god damn it.

Time 8:39PM

Lee is being an asshole to Roslin for trying to use crowd control to stop Baltar’s cult from being attacked. I would call Lee a prick but I might find out he has a disease or something later on and I’d feel bad about it later on. There are fictional feelings at stake, and I have to respect that.

You know why I hate Tori right now? Because her skin is the same color of coffee. Evil, foul tasting, mind rending, gag inducing coffee.

Time 8:42PM

I’m really starting to think that Tigh’s wife was an older version of the six model. Tigh’s having a conversation with her right now and she keeps slipping back into his wife’s face.

She is giving him some pretty sound advice on how to deal with his identity crisis. Basically he should go get a sport’s car, die his hair jet black, and nail a 20 year old.

Time 8:44PM

Tigh is having alone time with Caprica. She still looks like his wife. Also, for some reason she is staring into his eye-hole.

Time 8:45PM

Baltar is outside his quarters defending his right to have as many women in his sex cult as he pleases, so he gets punched in the mouth. Not only is he getting anal now. Now he’s getting ass to mouth for that move.

Time 8:47PM

Commercial. Just insert your own non sequitur in here. I’m not your goddamn monkey anymore.

Do you hear me? I’m a free man. A free man!

Time 8:50PM

Caprica 6 was looking right into Tight’s eye-hole and just decided to start punching him in the mouth. I feel the same way every time I see a deaf person. Fucking deaf bastards, just standing there not hearing anything. Like assholes.

Time 8:51PM

Baltar was getting the shit kicked out of him while trying to enter his sex cult shrine. Lee showed up, said have at, gave Baltar some condoms and cigarettes, and now Baltar and Lee are tag teaming all of his cult sluts.

Time 8:52PM

Adama is reading to Roslin from the book he never finished because he loved it too much for it to end. Roslin is giving the whole “I have cancer so just hold me tenderly in the moonlight” face. Which is a face I hope none of you ever have to see.

Adama is going to be such a good Calculus teacher when he gets to Earth.

Time 8:54PM

Caprica Six is making out with Tigh. I hope she fingers his eye hole.

Time 8:55PM

Baltar is giving a speech to his whores about how they all have a unique god spark that lives inside each of them. He is now explaining that to nourish this god spark they must feed it sperm from his penis as often as they possibly can. Otherwise, they will become zombies. True story. Or at least it should be.

Time 8:56PM

Okay, Baltar just told a bunch of women that they are perfect just as they are. I cannot even think of what disgusting sexual act they are now going to perform on him. Does anyone know if there’s a donkey or some kind of mastiff hound anywhere in the fleet?

Shows over. I’m going to eat something. This was a pretty horrible idea. I apologize. I promise I will be better come Monday.

Foot Notes:

*unless I get a girlfriend, steady job, or friend. So basically it’ll be steady until the season finale.

*not much

*If the Highlander chops off his own head does it make a Quickening? Similarly if two Highlanders simultaneously chopped off each others heads would it make a Quickening? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW!

*I stole the use of the word JUMP from Wonkette, because I am a hollow and sad little man who happens to have excellent tastes in political humor.

*Brittanoclasophia (n): The fear that someone with a British accent is more sophisticated than you are, leading you to give extra credence to whatever they say.