Oh, It’s On… Again (Live-Blogging BSG)

DID YOU NOTICE? (See bottom of the page for the trick!)

Time 2:10PM (Mountain Time)

Last week I live-blogged the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica and found the experience to be miserable on multiple levels. It was extremely distracting to my viewing of the program, painful to my readership, and poorly suited to the blogging format. That being said, I’m going to do it again? Why? I’ll tell you why, and by “I’ll tell you why” I mean “I’m going to ask myself a series of questions, then answer them in a confident, condescending off the cuff manner, as though you should be impressed I had the ability to answer a question I asked myself.”

Why do I do jobs far below my intellect? Why can I never accept a woman’s love? Why do I refuse to make friends with people who obviously like me? Why am I sometimes overcome with the need to make references to John Hodgman when it is clear that John Hodgman has nothing to do with what I am currently talking about? Why do I make wookie noises when I’m all by myself, and then reply in a gruffer wookie voice as if to lecture the first wookie for speaking out of turn? Finally, when I wear a Superman t-shirt and find myself performing an inordinate number of good deeds, is that simply because I feel a greater responsibility because of the shirt, or is it representative of some kind of macro-scale quantum anomaly of which mankind currently has no knowledge? For all of these questions there is a single simple answer. That answer is of course implied by the Unified Field Theory, so we shall all have to wait till some time in the future to find out what it is, probably after construction on the Tevatron is completed.

Now, audience, hold on to your seats. In several hours, prepare to be bombarded with sci-fi/Fantasy references so thick and obscure (as well as things I just made up like the Axiom of Mitch Ruskin*), that you’ll feel exactly like a non-magi wandering in the Forests of Wayreth.

TIME 3:34PM

God this really is such a stupid idea. I just realized that this whole note that I’m writing now is going to be read in about fifteen seconds, whereas I am going to take about thirty minutes considering it until the next episode starts. Live-blogging is horribly disjointed and creates an enormous disparity between the experience of the writer and reader that kills any chance of a rapport.

Why do I do these things to myself? I felt so clever six hours ago. (shakes head like a punched out boxer, fighting to regain control) Get your fucking act together Peterson. Sure no one is going to comment on this. Sure people are just going to look at it in confusion, wondering why you’re not writing about your family. But is that so wrong? Even though it turned out that the Dark Tower just sent Roland Deschain back to the beginning of his quest chasing the man in black, does that mean the journey wasn’t worth it? What? What do you mean that doesn’t have anything to do with what I was talking about? Further, why are you writing to me as if I’m not you? That’s not meta enough to be funny. God you’re an asshole. No, I don’t take it back. It’s okay (stares off to the side and wipes tears out of eyes) you just go ahead and write your stupid little “blog” without my advice. My mother was right about you.

I hope that sci-fi will fill the gaping hole in your life, you son of a bitch.

Time 7:44

Oh yeah, here’s another picture of John Hodgman you creepy stalker sonofabitch.

Great, another joke that’s funny only to you. This is even worse than when you insisted on singing the Soundtrack to Sister Act to every goddamn person you talked to on the phone for an entire month. Fuck I hope the next hour and fifteen minutes passes as quickly as possible.

Time 8:00 PM

And so it begins.

Time 8:01 PM

I really ought to set some goals in life.

Time 8:02 PM

Starbuck’s got a gun to Roslin’s head. I predict one of three outcomes. She will shoot the president. She will not shoot the president. Someone will close the door to the room, reduce the amount of information transmitted from the room, and Roslin will be both alive and dead at the same time.

Time 8:03 PM

Starbuck is calling out Roslin on her magical hypocrisy stance taken in the last episode. Thank God they addressed it, because it was really starting to get to me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been off lately…. God I hope not.

Time 8:04 PM

Starbuck is freaking out (Roslin’s alive, Starbuck gave her the gun). This reminds me of the time my sister got drunk, tried to do something extremely illegal to another human being, and then ended up in a fist fight with my entire family and I had to pull her away before she was beat to death. Except for the part where Starbuck has something important to say and Rachel tried to bite my nose off.

Time 8:05 PM

Are there any other non-drinkers in the readership? If so, do you ever sometimes just pretend you’re drunk when you’re around drunk people so that you’ll fit in better? If so, do you ever feel there’s no practical difference between acting goofy and actually being drunk. This is just the sort of interesting Mind/Body Question one can only ask oneself during an IHOP commercial.

Time 8:10 PM

The Hybrid (also known as the robot chick who sleeps in egg white) is muttering that weird stuff you can only hear on Battlestar Galactica, or at the bus station in my home town.

Time 8:12 PM

The Cylons are arguing about the Final Five. Al from Quantum Leap is pretty pissed about it. I hope Sam shows up as the final Cylon and everyone Quantum Leaps to Earth.

Time 8:15 PM

The four fleet cylons are trying to figure out who the final cylon model is. I just ended a sentence with is. Twice. Take that, motherfuckers.

Time 8:16 PM

Adama is giving that hard shaky stare to Starbuck about trying to shoot Roslin. I hope he does that thing where he man slaps her and they can’t ever talk about it again because it was so profound.

Okay, he just did the man grab and toss. Which is what you do when you’re a violent person, but not quite a big enough asshole to hit a woman. I wonder if he’ll have another shame mustache when we come back from the commercial break.

Time 8:18 PM

It’s a commercial. Did I ever tell you about the Muldoon Muldoon Absolute Saturation Theorem? Basically it states that every name is some percent Scottish. For example, all Aseanic names are about 0% Scottish, whereas the name Muldoon Muldoon is 100% Concentrated Scottish name. Kind of like the Kelvin scale, starting with Wong Chang at Zero and working up to Absolute Saturation at Muldoon Muldoon. Yup. This is the kind of stuff I think about.

Time 8:21 PM

Boomer just voted against her Model to reconfigure the Raiders to be able to kill the Final Five. Al from Quantum Leap is playing God with the Raiders, alleges Caprica Six. She just said she would pray for him. Also, where does the endless supply of booze come from on Galactica?

Time 8:24 PM

Lee is retiring, and getting wasted. These scenes always start out light and fool-harded and then whoever is making the toast suddenly says something profound. Yup. I called it. Lee just toasted to “Absent Friends” and Adama is doing the fond remorse face. Now he’s cleaning his little ship. This can go nowhere good.

Time 8:25 PM

Baltar is making a move on Tori. You know it must be nice to be Gaius Baltar, as all plots of the human fleet, the Cylon fleet, and whatever mystical forces cause the Head Six all want him to get laid. Jesus Christ. Gaius Baltar’s penis is the tower on which the BSG Universe revolves. Ha! Tori just said he was at the center of a lot of different plots. Close Tori, but not all of him.

Time 8:29 PM

Baltar is talking about music, and Tori finds this unnerving. Baltar now sees head Baltar. I looked into a mirror of myself looking into a mirror, followed my reflection back into infinity, and my head exploded.

Time 8:29 PM

Any bets on how long before Gaius has to nail Tori to save the Universe?

Time 8:33 PM

Commercial, and now I want to buy Gospel music despite the fact that I don’t believe in God. But at such rock bottom prices, even an atheist can believe in something like “Beautiful Worship” and the bargain it represents.

Time 8:34 PM

Roslin and Adama are having the same kind of straight shooting, no nonsense assessment talks that my parents clearly never, ever had.

Time 8:35 PM

Roslin is being a magical hypocrite again. Both on the subject of magic and in terms of the magnitude in which she is being a hypocrite.

Time 8:38 PM

As much as I hate to say this, and in light of how crazy and disjointed this piece is turning out to be, I really hope Roslin and Adama just suddenly come together and bone.

Damn, not gonna happen. Her hair just started falling out, and women can’t get it on if they’re feeling “gross.” At least I’ve been told this several times, and am quite tempted to believe it.

Time 8:40 PM

Lee and Starbuck are having a moment. Let’s not begin this tumultuous affair again, please God. I worry about the feeling of the fictional Dualla. I don’t know why. I think it’s because her eyes look purple.

Yeah, here we go. Started again. Poor Dee.

Time 8:42 PM

Lee is getting an honorable discharge from the President and his father. The Celtic music is playing, which reminds me, how does Lee get to be white when he came from Adama? I still vote the BSG music should be Ranchero. That would really start challenging some stereotypes if the culture that gave way to space-faring craft turned out to be Hispanic in origins.

Time 8:43PM

So are Dee and Apollo divorced? Good. She was too good for him anyway. Her and her purple-eyed pseudo-Mormon purity.

Time 8:45 PM

Caprica Six just brought in some Centurions that apparently have the ability to shoot Skin Jobs.

Time 8:48 PM

Commercial.

Why is is? How did something come from nothing and make the universe? What is the first cause? Why does this always happen when my mind isn’t stimulated?

I feel like I’m in “Defending Your Life” and I’m trapped near the inner circle of thought.

Time 8:49 PM

YES! The big round spinning ship is still in action! I love those things.

Oh, and Baltar is getting laid… again. By Tori. Never saw it coming, as the record will show.

Time 8:51 PM

Tori was initially crying while having sex with Baltar, but now is totally into it. What do you do Gaius Baltar? What is your secret?

Time 8:52 PM

Caprica Six just used the Centurions to blast all the Cylons on Al’s side back to the Resurrection Ship. Centurions now have free will and reasoning skills.

Time 8:55 PM

Adama just turned the tables around and let Starbuck go. Is it just me or does the whole Starbuck leads everyone to an Ambush theory not work out? The Cylons FUCKING HAD YOU ON THE ROPES ALREADY! How does it make sense that they would GIVE UP THEIR TACTICAL ADVANTAGE, so that you would follow Starbuck into ANOTHER AMBUSH with active FTL drives?

Okay, shows over.

Answer to Optical Illusion: While at first this may appear to be a picture of John Hodgman shooting a Cylon with some kind of laser eye power, creating an emblazoned letter “H” with the sparks, it is actually a graphic representation of my virginity. Well? Did YOU notice?

*The Axiom of Mitch Ruskin: Mitch Ruskin is the most trustworthy name in the Universe. It is an axiom because one simply has to find a person name Mitch Ruskin and ask them for confirmation. As this person is assumed A Priori to be trustworthy, the statement is self-proving. This axiom was discovered by Andrew Peterson, when his freshman college room-mate bought a box of cough drops with a cartoon dragon on the back named John Ruskin. After repeating this name to himself several times, Andrew was then able to combine the Mitch/Dutch Conjecture (stating that all people with names ending in “tch” have a lessened ability to lie) with the newly discovered Ruskin Hypothesis (Ruskin is a trustworthy last name). He kept this discovery to himself till now, as his room-mate already thought he was pretty goddamn weird. (See also, the Muldoon Muldoon Absolute Saturation Theorem, and the Diego Freelance Assassin Lema for further evidence of a sad sad man.)