Sometimes I sit down, sigh for a bit, and wonder “What’s the point?”

So then I buy a giant machete for a woman, and think “Ah, yes. This is the point.”

Here we see Blu in her wedding gown, getting married to her brand new machete.

Here’s Blue getting ready for her machete honeymoon, showing, what I can only describe as an “Awesome” amount of leg.

And finally, here is Blu showing that the wood paneling in her house goes for spans of well over sixteen inches. This makes us wonder “Where are the studs? What supports the wall? I sincerely hope it isn’t load bearing, because I have serious concerns about the craftsmanship!”

You’re my boy Blu!

As you are probably aware, I have changed the theme and layout of the site. I did this because I could, but also because I am re-growing my beard and this makes me magic. The fact that we are probably going to have a large influx of machete pictures also played a part, although I’m not sure which part.

The theme I am using is called “Atahualpa” which sounds like the name of some ancient Aztec city that was built by aliens, begging the question: “If it was built by aliens, is it really fair to say the city is Aztec?”* I like it because it’s a wordpress theme that treats you like an adult. Which is also why I utterly despise it.

Basically, you get to alter everything. Not that I couldn’t theoretically have done that before, but this gives me an interface that tells me which bits of the code does what. I am still in the process of tweaking things, but I think this is generally what the site is going to look like except for the odd deletion, insertion, or color change.

However… I’m not really a layout kind of guy. I’m a content kind of guy. So if you hate something tell me you hate something. If you love something tell me what. And if you want something, let me know.

‘Cuz baby I NEED your lovin… GOT to have ALL your lovin’

Ahem…

I’m more interested in putting words on paper than I am in presentation, so it’s all contingent on you folks. I just like a little change every now and again, and that’s what this is.

Let me know.

*I googled the word, and it is Incan. So I was close enough. “Close enough” meaning I do that dismissive hand-waive thing that modern homo sapiens do when we pretend that the past doesn’t matter.

One day a fair maiden got lost in the forest, and fell asleep under a sprawling elm tree.

But this is not the story of that fair maiden.

Nor is it the story of the magical Tree Spirit that came to life and made awkward, fumbly love to that young maiden while she slept.*

It is not even the story of the woman’s fiancee, who the very next day married her, and took her to bed with no idea she was already pregnant with a fey child.

That fey child lived a very strange and interesting life.

Unfortunately, we will not talk about that child here. Nor the many occasions she saved the world, or how she eventually ascended to godhood and learned the meaning of Life itself.

Instead, here are some pictures of ShawShaw in narrative form.

*It’s not rape because it was a Tree Spirit.

Here, the villainous cat from “Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers” guards a magical machete. His single glowing green eye stares covetously at his enemies, and he thinks dark thoughts about skulls and snakes.

Now ShawShaw transforms into a cat and engages in combat with the evil “Fat Cat” by causing his front leg to bend in with the carpet. Yes, I just threw a shape-shifting power into the middle of this. Fuck you, I worked today.

This causes “Fat Cat” to fall forward, and impale himself on the machete as he gets so confused he forgets to make sure his leg keeps on existing. And yes, I just posited that thinking things makes them so. Fuck you, there are twenty women with a machete who will back me up.

Now ShawShaw, transforms into a sort of were-pixie and indulges in Asian/Pirate/Superhero stereotypes by gloating over her kill.

Here, ShawShaw wears a fuck load of belts and stands in a slightly different position than previous. Proving that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is true, and that it is kind of possible for a cat’s leg not to exist if the cat doesn’t know it’s there… and uh… the rest of the universe doesn’t see it either.

Here, an invisible ghost tries to steal ShawShaw’s helmet and I very seriously consider the repercussions of my chosen machete-giving lifestyle.

Also, ShawShaw’s husband is still not good enough for her. One day, when I am rich, I will kidnap her and embalm her, and put her on display like Evita. Until then, I will sit alone in my room and sigh a lot.

Some women wed their way into the machete army (my brother’s fiancee) others volunteer for the rank and file (the 20′ish women from the contest) and still others find their own machetes and serve the cause in their own way (Eileen).

Few have the guts to take up a machete that doesn’t even exist, photoshop it into their own hand, and get by on chutzpah alone.

For that Sara the Grabber of Attention, I BC Woods, Lord General of the Machete Army, congratulate you.

UPDATE: Sara has a cat that also likes attention

As you all know, I am a genius. And not the regular kind of “I think I’m going to dedicate my life to a particular area of knowledge, and use that for the betterment of mankind” kind of genius or the other kind that starts a sentence with “And.”

Nay!

I am the kind of weird genius who, upon realizing that he has a $300 surplus in his budget says:

You know what? I bet I could buy twenty machetes with that money and send them to twenty of my female readers.

I ask you, has there ever been a more profound idea to come out of a simple act of division?

Using her Asiatic ability to be prepared very, very quickly PRELAPSARIA has already sent her photo-essay documenting her wonderful encounter with her new machete.

Also, if any of you say anything bad about her in the comments, I will descend up on you like the hammer of a vengeful god… in the form of deleting your comment….

I kind of blew my travel budget for in-person vengeance.

But seriously, play nice.

You know who chooses to have beige walls? Geniuses. Geniuses choose beige. It’s a fact. Look at that dog being insecure as fuck next to Prelapsaria’s new machete.

Here we can see that Prelapsaria only uses tables that are one and a half machetes wide.

You know what kind of man takes a machete OUT of South Africa? A great man. Also, I thought they were made in America, and I now feel a little bit weird about this.

True fact: I once bought a sword that said “INDIA” on it in giant letters. Let’s make a new law: People who make swords and knives and shit: STOP PUTTING GIANT FUCKING LABELS ON YOUR OTHERWISE AWESOME PRODUCT.

If you do that, I will agree to not use two colons in sequence.

Women who secretly loved the BSG liveblog have never been so scandalous.

Quentin Tarantino, behold your goddess.

But seriously, the fact that we’re only seeing one side of this machete would indicate to me that the fucking sticker on this blade is of the variety that HAS BEEN WELDED TO THE METAL ITSELF. I hate you sword labeling division! I fucking HATE you!

Jack: Hey Paul! Come check out this indiscreet, easily removed tag I put on our new product?

Paul: OMG! Are you new? A sword label is supposed to photographicallyRUIN half the blade!

Also, attractive girl is attractive.

AND she went to the same school as me, so you know she’s smart.

World, behold your new meme.