Awhile ago, I was thinking that you could get away with just about anything if you said it in the right way. Of course, this inevitably led me to consider just how far this principle could be stretched. For example, if you proposed anal sex to someone in the manner of an eighteenth century English aristocrat, would you seem charming?
Dirty Talk: Hey baby, how about some anal?
Fancy Talk: Madame, it cannot be helped but that when one gazes upon the divine spheres of your posterior, that one is filled with the same thoughts that damned the city of Lot. That these spheres be not used for the end to which providence has so meticulously designed them is abhorrent to the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God. Madame, I propose we rectify this contradiction at once!
Dirty Talk: Come on honey, let’s have a threesome!
Fancy Talk: When endeavoring to put name to that emotion which binds our union we must surely discover and settle upon no lesser word than that of “agape.” For only that ancient word of the wise Greeks, for a love which transcends flesh can put name to that heavenly venture for which mere English will not suffice. Let us then make not a beast with two backs, as was put forth so crassly by Mr. Shakespeare, but let us instead venture to create a new beast of several backs whose polygonal shape shall have but one male side. I beg you, my love, as no such venture should ever besmirch the celestial perfection of our bond.
Dirty Talk: Listen whore, I was talking to some of my friends and we all want to jack off on your face. I think it’s called Bukkake.
Fancy Talk: That the seed of man is alive and the source of all life has been known since Van Leeuwenhoek first crafted a glass clever enough to observe its mysterious motions. Permit me darling, and all men within the sound of my voice, to shower you with this seed that such animistic forces as it contains may adorn your bodice like the finest jewels!
FOCUS: Please feel free to leave your own Fancy Talk/Dirty Talk translations in the comments.
Mind if I use these?
FANCY TALK: Good wench, I have come to know your whole body: its customs, flesh and soul. Every ince of your body is know to me, yet in heart I must know you more. My love for you excedes the limits of your person, but I must know more, and does not the harbringer of your earthly beauty not also possess that true essense of you, as well? To know your fruit as much as my love demands, I must know the tree from which it sprang. And perhance its other overripe fruit.
DIRTY TALK: I want your mother and your sister, in that order.
While that is fucking hilarious, I see a problem. The fancy talk definitely sounds nice, but if the girl you’re talking to is too stupid to know what you’re saying then you’ll either have to tell her a little plainer or you’ll have to convince her to do something even though she doesn’t know what it is. And if the girl you’re talking to is intelligent, she’ll understand the idea behind the fancy talk and act accordingly based on her own personal feelings about whatever it is you’re asking her to do. Then again, asking in the fancy talk might win you a couple points for style and if she was teetering on the edge between yes and no, she might fall toward yes based on the fact that you could compose the question in that way.
@Eric
No, please do. Just make sure you share your stories.
@Emperor Gum
Everyone post more like this please. That was hilarious.
@banshee
The point of the game isn’t that this would actually work, it’s just that’s it’s funny. Like, could you imagine Benjamin Franklin asking for a blow job? That’s the point of the exercise, not actually getting a woman to consent to anal.
Or at least that’s the point of it in my mind
Everyone post one. It’ll be hilarious! Or post a dirty talk and have someone translate it. I have to go off and write other stuff today, so I can’t be around.
FANCY TALK: The problem, my sweet, with the dance of the angels of which we nightly partake is, upon its finale, when the horns stop trumpeting and I gaze upon your flushed face, the end is so tragic, so wan, that I want to scream a thousand curses upon Eros, the heartless swine by whom this moment must end. I shall from now on try valiantly, my angel, to suspend the moment of perfection in which I find you, shrouded in a cloak of erotic majesty, stalled in a second of ripe beauty that comes close to matching the luminosity of your own visage.
DIRTY TALK: Yeah…I’m not waiting for you to climax anymore…
FANCY TALK: O how doth thy tongue dance most marvelously, my most skill’d bedfellow! But hark! The sweet sussuration of another from mine bedside table cries out for attention! Lo, this one is not of flesh, but of artifice, my love. This splendid masterpiece of engineering shall sing wonderfully in the symphony that is our lovemaking!
DIRTY TALK: Okay, you’re done down there. Get my vibrator.
@BC
My comment was mainly in answer to that ^
damnit… it didn’t quote like I wanted it to… um, this is supposed to be in that last comment
“For example, if you proposed anal sex to someone in the manner of an eighteenth century English aristocrat, would you seem charming?”
Don’t we already do this everytime we talk?
I think this started when we started talking about Cyrano de Bergerac
Nice reference to that up top
Fancy Talk: Behold! Your posterior is a vision of whiteness, so firm, so fully packed. By chance would your flesh have the manner of redness, I accept as true the manner to achieve this is a whipping from my manly hand. Perchance then your maidenhead awaits!
Dirty Talk: I want to spank your big round ass, then fuck the holy shit out of you.
@ShawShaw
“Susseration” is a marvelous word that one doesn’t see too often. Thanks.
Completely off topic but do you know anything about codes BC? Like…encryption codes?
@Maria
Now that was fancy and so, so true.
@ShawShaw
Your brilliance is like the chariot of Helios driving brightly across the comments section.
@banshee
You are correct, and I am a wrong, as ever. I guess I just forgot I wrote that since it was mostly crap to get to my stupid idea. My apologies.
@Emmaliah
The cost of any conversation with me is that I will eventually go off on a strange strange tangent from which no meaning can be salvaged.
@tom
Maidenhead is totally underused.
@60613
She’s brilliant, ain’t she?
@DJ
Just the basic theory. Any reason why?
@BC
Well I had an idea for a story that involved them and I was thinking you would be a good person to write it.
You guys are totally ruining the concept of dirty talk for me. I at 42 am perhaps the oldest person who reads BC. I just don’t know how to put “Tie me up, whip me, and then gag me on your cock until I almost pass out” (see what happens after you’ve been screwing the same dude for 20 years – you go to dark places). But first, make sure the door is locked in case the kids try to come in.” into anything so pretty. I lack the creativity of youth.
I guess I could talk about metaphysical bondage….
@DJ
I’ll make you a deal: you write the story and I’ll look over it for you when you’re done. How does that sound?
@Sue
Dirty Talk: “Tie me up, whip me, and then gag me on your cock until I almost pass out”
Fancy Talk: Sir, the heights of the passion which I bear for you rears itself as a demon of that pagan idol Eros. I beg of you, save me from such Satanism. Bind me as you would bind this creature and subject me to the same such treatment as such a beast would receive. Should it scream for more, you have only to gag it with such manly virtue as is at the pleasure of your sex.
@SueNYC
FANCY TALK: Oh my insatiable incubus. Oh my object of desire and everlasting fire of my heart. Do bind me to our altar of passion with exsquisitely-crafted ribbons of hide from the most feral beast. Verily, I wish thee to grace upon my teathered and love-flushed loins the song of pure lust and joy eternal which only a cat-o-nine can sing. Forsooth, in the throes of such sweet flagellation, I shall beg of thee to have thy thick and virile instrument of ultimate pleasure greet my lustful larynx to render me incapable of uttering a sound while on the verge of relinquishing consciousness. But, hold! The progeny of our pairings past perchance may be stirring! Do lock tight the ingress of this place; this Valhalla of voloptuousness.
DIRTY TALK: Tie me up, whip me, and then gag me on your cock until I almost pass out. But first, make sure the door is locked in case the kids try to come in.
@BC
Oh I am so not good enough for that. It would be incredibly hard to write because of what I want the last sentence/paragraph/chapter to be.
Shaw Shaw wins
Shaw Shaw included the kid element. Some kid is always banging on the door and one must get the restraints off before they use a butter knife to pick the cheap bedroom lock. Of course, I am a prim housewife and all of this (whippings, bondage, deep throating) is hypothetical in conjecture. Remember people, missionary is the only way to go.
@ShawShaw
Valhall of Voluptuousness is my new favorite phrase.
@DJ
The only way to get better is to try. Go for it, sir!
@Sue
Of course. You probably have the hair bun and librarian glasses too. We all know from Late Night Cinemax that that never goes anywhere dirty.
@BC
If I knew anything at all about codes I would. But the most sophisticated code I use is 1=A,2=B and that type. The basic idea for the story is a crime/spy story but the last page/chapter/paragraph or whatever is written in a code and you have to decipher it by using the code that is in the rest of the story.
BC – ever do a story about a mathematician. My husband always said he never became one because he couldn’t spend decades of his life on one problem. Being of an obsessive nature, the thought terrified him. I have a picture of an obsessed mathematician who destroys everything he loves to solve an equation (something like Fermat’s last theorem).
@DJ
Just wiki it, or go to youtube and search “Terrance Tao Encryption” he did a really nice accessible speech on it that I would recommend.
@Sue
My understanding is that Andrew Wiles more or less locked himself in the attic and only spoke about the problem to his daughter until the problem was solved. Also, he used one of my favorite conjectures (not because I understand the math of it mind you, just the name) The Taniyama Shimura Conjecture.
Wasn’t there a movie with Gwenneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins that had that plot?
BC – you are psychic. Yes, I do keep my hair in a bun and I wear librarian glasses – hell I used to teach military history in college.
Well, as much as I enjoy this, I have to clean the kitchen and cook something edible for dinner. My poor Sephardic husband deserved better than a whiny WASP bitch who only knows how to serve Ritz crackers with crab dip and Scotch. Hell, he won’t even eat the damn crab dip and i drink the Scotch. Isn’t marriage grand…..
@SueNYC
You young pup! I got about 10 years on you!
(I claim title of Supreme Geezer…unless there’s someone else out there?)
There comes a time in a marriage where one considers ‘good sex’ the absolutely silent kind that doesn’t wake the children.
It’s kind of creepy.
MILF FIGHT!!!
Forget fancy talk used for sex- fancy talk is best used to insult someone! Classic example:
Fancy Talk: Your simian countenance reflects a heritage rich in species diversity!
Translation: You are one ugly mother fucker!
Unfortunately I cant take credit for that one – Bill Watterson really was a genius.
@merryjessica
See, I like balls and grit in my insults like “The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”
My money is on Sue. Pull her hair!
But Eileen could have more experience in MILF fighting. But don’t count me out. I fight dirty and have developed a high tolerance for pain.
I would pay to see this fight…but I only Bison dollars.
@Eric
Don’t count out Eileen! This could be close.
@Sue
There’s only one rule: Two MILFs enter, one MILF leaves. Just remember though, Eileen is from Canada where there is slightly less gravity than the rest of the world (this is actually true) so she’s evolved to be very limber.
@DJ
What is a Bison Dollar?
@BC
*I only have Bison dollars*
And you don’t know what a BISON dollar is? Have you never watched the Street Fighter movie? Poor sheltered person. That is the most awesomely craptastic video game based movie EVER.
This morning, after my pure 8 minutes of heaven, finished up quickly as the patter of little feet came down the hall (see how kids suck), we were surfing on or iphones in bed. As usual, I came across Obama’s stimulus plan. And how, certain people were going to have a higher tax rate in 2010 to pay for all of this. My husband shrugged, those tax plans are only really going to affect people in the Midwest and in the Southern states. The Northeast and the West Coasters in those salary ranges are already taxed at those rates (translation – Obama had those voters wrapped up and his tax plan has no affect on their income at all so he could sound all socialist and caring for the poor middle class) in order to pay for our more liberal agendas. He had little sympathy for the smuck in Alabama making over 250K a year, his/her low taxes contributed to the illiterate teenage baby-making states that they inhabit.
“O.K. then, smarty pants. How do you feel about the delusional idiots in this country who bought houses that were 8X their salary. Obama wants you to bail them out. On top of that, that pre-approved fixed rate mortgage you had in your hand last year (but did not use because we thought the houses were very over priced) now requires a perfect FICO score, the sacrifice of one of our children, and selling your soul to Satan in order to get approved again – because of idiots who can’t multiply.
“Now, you are on to something that I can have fun with.”
“I have no problem paying taxes to help those that cannot add. It is not really their fault – blame the American educational system. But on the other hand, are they not also responsible for other people’s delusions and whims. These poor homeowners, we were told, were giving up the rentals they could afford because it was their dream to own a home. What if it was an individual’s dream is climb Mt. Everest, to go charge thousands of dollars on a high class hooker, spend the summer in villas on the Almafi coast, or for some poor soul – buy Caprica’s dress so he can wank off on it or put high priced escort into it and screw her brains out (I added that one). Said person then ran up a large credit card debt in order to finance their dream. Since the economy was rocking, he/she truly believed that he would find employment at a higher salary in order to pay this debt off – but for now, the dream needed to be fulfilled. The homeowners, were under the false impressions that the values of the houses they bought were going to continually go up and up, so they used them like a cash machine. Now, their homes are worth less than they bought them for – and unlike our Japanese counterparts would probably refuse to sign a 100 year mortgage which their children will personally inherit. The only difference between or fantastical homeowner and our adventurous explorer is that one is burdened with secured debt and the other has unsecured debt. Both will have a crappy credit rating when they either foreclose or go into bankruptcy. Should not the homeowner (who wants to be bailed out by the hedonist) also pay taxes to bail out the hedonist? why , pray tell, is one delusional position any more worthier than the other? And does our government have the moral right (versus necessary evil) to reward one person’s crappy decision making over another. Is the homeowner (who used their house like a god damn ATM machine so junior could be on the travel hockey team) any worthier than the banker (who was paid millions in bonus) for their crappy decision making.
So my question of the day is why does the government have the moral right to reward the first person’s delusion (owning a home they could never afford) more worthier than the other person’s – accomplishing a dream that they also could also not afford?
@Susan
Umm… I’m more of a natural sciences person, but basically what I’ve been able to read into the situation: we’re all screwed. And we’ll all be screwed until there’s another boom industry in this country, and if that doesn’t happen before the dollar tanks we’re all fucked and its Apocalypse time. In which case feel free to send me a picture of your jugs.
We are so, so screwed. My husband – who actually has a degree in economics – shoved down his pants – tries to keep explaining how world markets ad large money transfers works. He draws me flow charts, he sits the kids down and teaches them how to do P/E ratios, and he tries to explain why the quants formulas worked (but because they were mathematicians they really didn’t calculate the unknown of total economic collapse or other catastrophes). He tried to explain it to me like a 5 year old – using Wimbeldon players. Basically, we are looking at 10% unemployment this year and maybe another 5-10%% before we hit the trough. On the bright side, in 27 years Americans will need to replace their cars. Our country is insolvent.
He actually got a bank to agree to re-finance a large building today. He was jumping up and down for joy. He billed 8 hours yesterday. Someone lent someone money. It has been a month since he was able to convince anybody to do that. This was a man, a few years ago, who would run around NYC with briefcases full of of millions of dollars in unsecured transferrable bonds (think of them as cash if stolen) handcuffed to his wrist (and you thought lawyer’s lead boring lives)- having horrid nightmares that he would be whacked along the way. One day, I will tell you about his favorite clients – all ex-Mossad agents. They send us really nice gifts. Now, it’s hard to come up with a couple of million transferred by wire.
On the positive side, they fired his secretary (a hot Asian) and replaced her with a middle aged grandmother who he must now share with many others. The Gods are merciful at times.
But I still think the question bears repeating – why is one person’s delusion any more worthier than another’s?
So does he think next year will be the rock bottom before we start to inch back up? I figure it might be another two years before we stabilize and then we can start inching back up. Don’t we need to have some banks collapse before we can really bottom out and stop the cancer from spreading?
And no one’s delusions are more worthy than someone else’s except that in real life some poeple’s delusions turn a profit and some don’t. I guess that’s the only standard you can apply.
Corporate law firms are about six months behind Wall Street, so he will definitely know when the pick up is really occurring. He thinks in April we will start to see some major bankruptcies after the quarterly reports (which will be filed by March 31). He sees all other business movings as flat. He hopes to see the Vulture Funds rear their ugly heads in January. Muck like Hera’s kidnapping, they are the beginning of the end. If they show up in 2010, you are looking at a 2 year recovery. If they don’t – kiss our collective asses goodbye for at least 10 years.
What is scary is how many good ideas and technologies that may die off if we don’t get our proverbial asses in gear. For instance, my daughter wants to buy a stock called Accuray. (Yes, my sick 9 year old reads the investment boards daily and is actually turning a profit with her meager allowance). It is basically the coolest gamma knife ever developed and it is selling well below its IPO price. Not only does it allow men avoid impotence after prostrate surgery (my father-in-law would have appreciated that) , it is great at removing brain and lung tumors. Doctors love it. Patients love it. Tech people love it – but because hospitals can’t afford it right now it may take a long time to get off the ground.
We, as a country, need to start inventing some useful things again.
Have you seen the aptera yet?
http://www.aptera.com
It looks like a car from the future, and from what I’ve seen it looks like it can deliver on its promises. It reminds me of your gamma knife in that I think it’s the wave of the future and that for some reason people don’t want the future to come yet.
I don’t think this crisis is over because I haven’t seen that many “adults” take positions of power yet. We still have a bunch of morons going off at the mouth, and morons in power (to me at least) is the number one sign of a society that hasn’t got its shit together.
It’s like we waited too long to cull the herd and now we have almost no thoroughbreds. We need to slaughter all the useless animals and start over with the few good ones.
Also, I love how relevant this is to dirty talk/fancy talk, but I do not care.
Canadian? Oh yeah my money is so on Sue.
@Eric
Not Canadian! Bisonian!
God…Am I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WATCHED THE ORIGINAL STREET FIGHTER MOVIE??!
Wait nevermind. Dumbass moment. Please ignore last comment made by me…and any in the future…it’s best for you really…it is…<_<
Let’s look at history, how many times have Americaqns tried to invade Canada via New York? I can think of at least three. NYers were always humiliated – as the Canadian winter finished us off. So I beg the question – do we have to fight naked in the snow. Then, I fear Eileen may have the advantage.
I meant Americans before some typo Nazi corrects me.
I would prefer you both be naked, yes. Or wearing bikinis with Ramboesque head bands.
Canada or NY – the location is critical to the winner.
Each time those weren’t Canadians. They were British. And where is the New York additude sue? Fuck that Tory bitch up!
We’ll go with Australia. It’s neutral ground. And you two have to fight in the mud between a circle of chanting Bushmen.
Did you just call me a TORY Eric???!
I’ll have you know that I’ve been a card-carrying member of the Green Party and am of the Left Coast artist type persuasion.
As for a bikini…I’ve had twins people!…pretty scary (hmmm – could give me an advantage)
*nods & ponders*
Twins – that’s nothing. I had three (no multiples, in 26 months) – I think I might be scarier. Let it be known, those special bc pills for nursing moms just exist so your ob can pay for his summer house.
A liberal – now that makes it more interesting – since i’ve been a libertarian all my life (though I did break ranks this election since Ron Paul did not make the primaries). I have a whole shelf dedicated to George Will. Australia it is.
I can’t see the first page of comments. It keeps going to a 404 error page.
Fixed. And I am going to lock myself in a small room for the rest of the day, so ta ta to everyone.
Tory has a different meaning down here in the Real world you syrup drinker. A Tory was someone who was loyal to the King. So after we kicked some red coat ass the Tories ran up North. Where God punished them for their treason by forcing them to play Hockey till the end of time.
Americans don’t realize that we didn’t forgive the losers. They all went to Canada via Nova Scotia. My mom’s backyard is in a small city named New Rochelle, who bought the land for the city from Lord Pelham. He had to leave after the Revolution. Every 4 years the city sends his Canadian descendants a cow as per the sales agreement. I am always amused that they still honor the agreement.
BTW, Eileen how do the Canadians keep your country so clean? You people are amazing. And Tim Horton’s is amazing. I love Canada.
We used to go to the Best Western sex hotel in Kingston. Specially liked the astronaut room. I wonder if it is still there.
I just checked – it’s still there. Canadian rock.
Uh…Canada…
It sounds lovely!
I’m sitting just south of the Alaska panhandle right now and have never been east of Saskachewan – so far I haven’t had the chance to partake of that Ontario/Quebec clean, quaint and tidy experience. Looks very appealing in photos and there is alot of historical Canada that I’d love to see eventually.
BC Woods: I’d think up something ‘saucy’ to relate in old, flowery English but I’m blank…just blank…sorry. : (
I’m sure you will think of something, Eileen. You are a crafty women, and a dirty thought will soon enter your head. I am positive of it. If not: ask Erin. She curses like a sailor.