Quotes and Advice

Every now and then I get a letter not from a distraught 35 year old woman who has spent six hours reading all of my entries and now wants to be my mother, but from a 14 year old boy in an abusive home who wants to know how to turn out normal. I’ve compiled the following list of advice and inspirational quotes I’ve received in my life to help guide such readers on their way. May these inspiring words help you as well as they have helped me.

“Don’t be such a fucking pussy.” ~Dad

“You look like a pedophile.” ~Mom

*wookie noise* ~Even More Socially Awkward Brother

“You’re fat, ugly, and no one will ever love you. Oh, and I’ve always hated you.” ~Rachel

“Don’t you never fuckin’ write about me, you little prick.” ~Dutch

“What do… what do gay people do?” ~Grandma

“When in doubt, do as the Romans do.” ~Dad

“I love all music for a reason not many are aware of. There are only so many music notes and the different types of music is based on how fast/slow the notes are played and whether or not there are lyrics involved. All music is beautiful to me in some way!” ~My father’s Girlfriend, from her myspace

“Don’t be a dumbass.” ~Grandpa

“Fucking Christ, I hate black vampires.” ~Myself in a Dream, whereupon I was called racist, even after explaining that while I had no problems with black people and vampires as separate entities, the combination was what irked me.

“I just want you to know I find it an inspiration that you haven’t killed yourself yet.” ~Anonymous

“God damn it! This goat’s uterus controls my fucking life!” ~Myself to myself when I was sitting outside for the second straight day waiting for our pygmy goat to have its second kid

“Andrew… As terrible as this may sound, in my entire 12 “fucking” years of “education”, I have always somehow some way, slithered my way out of reading a book! can you believe that, 1st through Senior year of High School I never read a book… How sad is that for me and our education of good Ole Grays Harbor? The reason I bring all this up is on a serious note and complement. For to past 2+ hours, I have been reading every single one of your Blogs on myspace, and short stories on the DaddyDontHitMe.com… NO JOKE ANDREW!!!!!! For the FIRST time in my life! I actually wanted to read!?! This has never happened to me before. I honestly really enjoy reading your stories of hatred towards things about growing up, I honestly couldnt get myself to stop reading. My platoon was outside BBQ’ing, playin football, drinking, and having a blast. Where was I when all of this was taking place? I was on my couch on the internet reading all your stories because I simply couldnt stop myslef. I hate reading probably just as much as you hate your sister. But now you have shown me a whole new side of reading. Now my question is this, are there any books out there in the world, that are remotely close to the type of negative hateful/HELARIOUS!!! writting that you do? If so, I need to know because if their is something else out there, then I will make a promise to you that I have never made tp anyone in my life before. I will buy a book and actually read it! For the first time in my life I will actually read a book! The only catch is, it has to be writting like the type of stuff you do, because your writting seriously put my into tears at time due to how HELARIOUS the story got at times. Please keep up the good work, I have NO reason to lie and suck up to you, this is just a message from an extremely satisfied customer from your writting. Also just becuase not once have I ever wanted to read in my life!!!!”

~A myspace message from my friend DJ, and probably the most touching “complement” I’ve ever received

“Dude, don’t fucking look at my mom like that!” ~Friend with Hot Mom

“Don’t fucking read the safety protocol, dick smoker. There ain’t nothing you can learn by reading.” ~ My boss on the Oil Rig when I was attempting to find out if a certain chemical was cancerous or not

“Hey Shrek! Where’s Donkey?!” ~Various people on the Oil Rig

“Holy fuck! You’re still a virgin?!? Okay, well I’ll give you some advice: go nail a fat chick. They’ll pretty much let you do anything because they’re so grateful for cock.” ~A guy I worked with in the saw-mill who had no teeth

“I spent the first fifty years of my life being straight. Only makes sense that I spend the last fifty fucking dudes.” ~A guy who worked in the saw-mill

“Andrew, let me tell you this. The absolute worst thing any man can do is get married. Marriage is the worst thing on Earth.” ~Various guys at the saw-mill

“If there’s grass on the field play ball. If not, just turn her over and play around in the mud.” ~One of my Cousins

“Dude, she’s your cousin? Who fucking cares, you should try to hit that shit! I know I would.” ~Everyone I ate lunch with in high school

“Dude she’s your step-sister? Did you ever hit that shit?” ~A bunch of guys who worked in a jail

“I’ll tell you what to do. Next time he steps out of line, you put your knee in his balls and hit him over the head with a two by four.” ~My Grandfather

“You’re the worst grandson in the history of the world! I hate you! I fucking hate you!” ~My Crazy Grandma

“I don’t get it. What came first? Knights or cowboys?” ~Mom

“I just want you to know, I love you and that you’re my favorite.” ~Mom whispering loudly into older sister’s ear.

“You know what? Fuck Bryan!” ~My drunk father

“Jesus Christ, Andrew. You look like a god damn polar bear trying to ride a tricycle.” ~My Grandfather watching me ride a bike

“Andrew, listen, I know you like to derail class discussions, but it’s not really appropriate for us to be talking about how small your genitals are when we’re in group.” ~English teacher to myself and class

“I cannot even fucking fathom what goes on in your head. In fact, fuck that. I don’t even want to think about thinking about it.” ~A friend who I was explaining my family to

“Doesn’t it ever bother you that you’re fat and you’ve never had a girlfriend?” ~Mom in tones of mock compassion

“Andrew… why does Karen have such a long butt crack?” ~Little Brother, mystified when he sees me changing my sister’s diaper.

“Andrew, listen, I’m starting to lose my patience. The class question was on euthanasia. This is not an open forum for you to talk about how you want to have all the powers of the Phoenix from X-Men and Superman combined.” ~English teacher to myself and class

“I think you may be the first person in the history of the world to publicly strip and do Calculus at the same time.” ~Cheerleader at “Mr. Irresistible” where I won best talent

“Andrew! Come over here! Let’s play marbles!” ~When I accidentally got transfered into the remedial class in the first grade for three days, and one of the kids wanted to play marbles with his glass eye

“Dude, you know what’s fucked up? When the best thing a woman could do in her whole life is abort her child.” ~IamRob describes Rachel

“Don’t be so fucking retarded! Like Josh (Rachel’s husband) is just going to go digging around the refrigerator looking for food to eat.” ~Rachel yelling at me for not taking Josh out to eat because there was food in the house he could have eaten

“Oh my God, Andrew. You’re life is such a joke. Every time I think my life is going bad, I’m just going to think of you and be grateful.” ~Aunt Rita, who oddly enough was being very nice in her own way.

“Andrew, there’s a fucking difference between being mean and being cruel. Don’t be mean.” ~Dad

“What’s capitalism?” ~My Brother Bryan (Age 19)

“Who’s the Elephant Man?” ~My Brother Bryan (Age 19)

“You really need some counseling and I am not the only person that feels this way. You really do Andrew. You can add this to your quotes of the day and laugh about it, but it isnt funny. Your life is what you make it, bottom line. I never said you were fat and undateable…and your exaggerations make EVERYONE in your family look bad…except poor old you.” ~My mother, in an e-mail, after having spent several hours sending me unflattering pictures of myself.

“Because I’d fucking kill someone three days out of the week, and the other four I’d fucking kill myself!” ~My dad on why he can’t own a gun.

“That elephant isn’t smart! They just paid him to paint that picture!” My mom after seeing a video of an elephant painting another elephant with its trunk. Apparently it was bribed into appearing intelligent in her view. I thought that was pretty awesome.