The Voice of Inexperience: Romance Edition

If the concept of sex inhabited a human form, this is what it would look like.

“Dear BC Woods,

I have read all the stories on your site, and have come to the obvious conclusion that you are adept in the study of feminine wiles. Surely you can help me learn to pick up on girls.

Sincerely,

A. Lias”

Dear A. Lias,

You have come to the right place. While it may be true, that I myself am agoraphobic, reclusive, and anti-social… and while it may also be true that I have never had a girlfriend, a friend, or a long term acquaintance… and although I may also have no future prospects of acquiring any of the three aforementioned relationships, I have studied the theory of such interactions for many years. I am more than happy to share my findings with you. The following is a list of 8 rules to use when trying to pick up your romantic and social game.

1. Suddenly start keeping an external monologue

During my junior year of college, I took a girl I worked with in a lab out to dinner at a campus Chinese restaurant. If you, like me, become nervous in large groups of people do what I do: start keeping an external monologue.

Me: “I’m bored.”

Her: “Oh really why is that?”

Me: “Crap, she’s talking to me. Now I’m nervous. I better do something funny. Not that I feel obligated to of course, it’s just that when I feel awkward I find that humor sets me into a category into which nervous energy is acceptable. Probably not the best of defensive mechanisms, but there it is.”

Her: “Huh?”

Me: “Got it! I’ll steal extra fortune cookies.”

Service Person: “You can take as many cookies as you’d like, sir. They’re complimentary with the meal.”

Me: “Ugh… Okay, but I’m going to need you to look suspicious while I stumble against the cookie box and come back two handfuls of cookies. I feel like stealing something that’s free.”

Service Person: “I’m sorry sir?”

Me: “Just trust me, this joke is very meta. You’ll be proud to have been part of it.”

Service Person: “Okay sir.”

Her: “Andrew, maybe we should just go sit down.”

Me: “I can’t stop now. I have too much invested in this. By the way, my pin number is 3240.”

Her: “Why would you tell me that?”

Me: “I don’t know. It just occurred to me.”

Her: “Do babble like this a lot?”

Me: “Kind of… did you know I had a viking helmet when I was a little boy?”

Her: “… no?”

While keeping uncomfortable eye contact with the Service Person, trip in a well rehearsed fashion against the fortune cookie bin, cough loudly, extract your fortune cookie filled fists, stuff them in your pockets, and look off to the side, again coughing loudly. Then whistle as you turn to walk away.

Me: “Yeah. I bought it in Las Vegas. Never did figure out what happened to it. (whisper) Okay, I’ve got the cookies let’s go.”

Her: “What about the Viking Helmet?”

Me: “It had two horns… which is silly I guess because Viking helmets didn’t even have horns in real life. Just contributing to historical inaccuracy really. Okay, stop talking. I’m hungry.”

2. Always tip 15%

Make sure after the meal you check your receipt, and give the woman 15% of the total as a token of your appreciation for having a meal with you.

If she refuses to take the money, give her a thug style handshake, and put the money in her palm like you’re tipping a valet.

If she again refuses, citing that while the joke is very funny, but that she can’t possibly accept your money….

3. Wookie Noise is a Must!

If the lady of your affections continues to insist, that while your particular way of doing things is very charming, hilarious, albeit unnerving, that she really CANNOT take $3.54 from you just emit a loud blast of wookie noise into the surrounding crowd.

If she asks you what you are doing, let her know that you will keep doing it, and that the people will continue to stare at you until she takes the money.

If she compliments you on how real the wookie sounds are, you should accept this with as much grace as you can muster instead of informing her that wookies aren’t actually real so no one has any idea what they sound like.

4. Make sure to show her your Fantasy/Dragon Pictures

Like all men, I have a large collection of Dragon Pictures I have drawn over various stages of my life. Also of course, I have the requisite number of sketches of characters from the Fantasy novel I’ve been writing since the age of seven.

If at all possible bring in as many of these kinds of pictures as you possibly can. This will show the lady that you have an appreciation for art. Even better, if you could show her a very elaborate diagram of a sword sheathe, and then tell her the names of all the parts in one of the languages you created she will be doubly impressed.

If she insists that your pictures are awesome, but that she has work to do, quickly turn to a page of writing and begin to explain to her how your alphabet works.

“See, every symbol is actually a common dipthong or vowel, and there are a number of modifiers to add hard consenant sounds, turning the symbol into a syllable. Like see this here? This is ae. But if I add this curly line in the front, and this other line in the back it becomes Vael, the eternal form of ‘I am.’ What? Yeah, there are four tenses. Past, Present, Future, and Eternal. Please try to keep up with me will you? It’s not like I’m trying to explain the prostrate forms of the Shadow Tongue.”

Against her better judgment she will be unable to not like you.

5. Explain that yes, even though you already have an imaginary girlfriend, your relationship is open.

Sure you come from an environment where people scream at one another simply as a matter of course. And sure, when you first moved out on your own you may have found the sudden silence to be unnerving. And SURE you MAY have then gone on to create a series of scathing notes written to you from you Imaginary Girlfriend named Iggy, for the amusement of absolutely no one but yourself, and posted them about your house. But that doesn’t mean you’re INVOLVED. Quite the contrary. All imaginary relationships are completely open, and you could drop Iggy at the drop of a hat if you needed to.

However, make sure not to mention that there is a note directly across from your toilet with a picture of two glowing red eyes which reads:

“If you don’t flush that nasty turd, I will murder you with heat vision.”

If however you do reveal this, make sure the lady knows that it’s only a joke and that you are able to flush quite ably on your own.

6. Use lots of scientific technical jargon and then express anger that she is unable to follow simple mathematical arguments

Let’s face it. You love ferro-fluids. You’re intrigued by the concept of laminar space. Your mind is constantly driven to reach as far back toward the First Cause of All Creation as it can possibly go. Do not ever accept her excuse that she is a “Biologist.” To show you are cultured, explain that all science is part of a single whole concept which seeks to explain the way in which the Universe behaves.

Explain that an equation is nothing short of an irrefutable word of the Creator, sewn into the fabric of nature. And when you show her the derivation of relativity and she is unable to follow that for light traveling the same distance, when one source is attached to an object which has a velocity non zero, that the variable of time must dilate in order for the observed data to make sense, do not give up. Everyone wants to have a rigorous mathematical understanding of relativity. Even though they might not be able to accept that.

7. Begin to randomly list off ideas you have for new technological devices, and sketch diagrams of them for her viewing pleasure.

If she still cannot conceive of relativity begin to sketch out a few ideas you have regarding how ferro-fluids might be used to replace hydraulics.

“Listen, take a columnular volume of a ferro-fluid, suspend it inside an elastic material such that the fibers of the material run parallel to the column of fluid, and then encase that in a solenoid with an alternating current. The fluid expands under the magnetic field, the elastic channels the direction of the motion, and voila, you’ve got pressure. I mean Jesus Christ, that’s basically a hydro-static skeleton right there and we just built it for about five dollars worth of shit.”

8. Sing several of the songs of Gary Puckett while you are working late Data Mining.

While working late at night, loudly blare youtube videos of Gary Puckett singing “Young Girl,” “Lady Willpower,” and “Woman Woman.” Feel free to sing along with these songs at maximum volume. If you have the moves, you should dance to them in your chair.

When the girl laughs uncontrollably, looks at you and realizes that strange as you are, she’s never had such a good time in her life and leans forward to kiss you, do NOT cough, get up, close the window and pretend you were cold.

This is the kind of self-defeatist malarky that has kept you down your entire life.

End Note:

I hope this has helped you understand womankind, and as for the rest of my ACTUAL readers, if YOU have a question about a topic in which I have no expertise or desire to research, please E-MAIL THEM to brandoncwoods@gmail.com

Regards,

BC Woods